How Many Kids??

How many kids should we have? Are we done? Should we have more? This is something that we, obviously, don't need to worry about yet, but it's also something that I (a planner and major nerd in that department) just can't help thinking about.

I have always wanted more than three kids. Four or five or six. There have even been times when I've seriously thought about having eight. Ben would be fine stopping at three. In fact, he's not sure he wants to try for more. Before we had Rylee, I thought I for sure wanted at least one more. 

Now, I'm not sure. 

Rylee is a beautiful, perfect, easy (for a newborn) baby. She goes to sleep between 8:00 and 8:30 pm, stays asleep until around 4:00 am most nights (last night, it was 7 am), then sleeps again until 8:00 am. Her naps are iffy, but I would rather she sleep at night and fight naps during the day and I can usually get her to take a couple naps easily. When she's awake (and supposed to be awake, not down for a nap) she's such a content baby. And we love her, she's just darling. 

So it's not that she's too hard or having three kids is too hard. I still think the transition to having one has been the hardest for me thus far. There is the fact that labor is hard and I'm not sure I want to do that again, but I would be willing to, I feel like. 

Lately, I've just been thinking about what it would be like to be done. To have the kids we have and not have more. And honestly, I like it. 

We could take all the kids to Disneyland while Ashtyn is still young enough for it to be magical, but Rylee was old enough to get something out of it. I could focus on homeschooling and not push through it while pregnant (with less energy/time) and not juggle homeschool and a newborn. I know exactly how I'd set up their rooms while they were young (they'll probably make changes as they get older) and Ben and I could really start travelling without trying to fit that in between pregnancies and nursing (the main reason we haven't traveled more yet). 

Honestly, a lot of that sounds appealing. Plus the fact that having children is hard and a lot of work. Babies are a lot of work. Pregnancy and labor and lack of sleep after is hard. Maybe we just need a break, since we've had our kids pretty close together so far, but my midwife is retiring at the end of 2020 and I don't know that I want to have babies without her; that would be really hard. 

But then I think, are those good reasons? Do I just want to avoid the work and pain of more children? I hope not. I don't want to stop unless Ben and I and the Lord all know that we're done and our family is complete. 

So, I'm in limbo. I'm not sure what we're going to do or what's in our future and that's an uncomfortable thing for me. 

I guess we'll have to wait and see.