Today, I wanted to share some of the things we've done that I feel have helped strengthen our relationship.
Budget
This is not the first thing most people would think of, when looking at "marriage advice" but it has been huge for us! It has kept us on the same page financially, so we both know exactly what is going on and eliminated any hard feelings or stress we each have about money.
Our system is that I create our budget (on Google Sheets), since I'm the detail oriented nerd and also the one who handles most of the nitty-gritty running of the household stuff. Then on the first of the month, we go over our budget together and talk about any points Ben isn't sure of. We adjust if needed and then I do the finances for Ben's business so we can pay ourselves.
Before we started budgeting each month, I remember there being a strain on us. We weren't making a lot of money and we had heated discussions (we've never yelled at each other, but we do have discussions where feelings are obviously hard) about the undercurrents of our finances. It was hard!
When we started budgeting, it simply put us on the same page BEFORE the money was spent. I remember one Christmas, I wanted to spend quite a bit on a few different things and Ben was feeling stressed about our income. I had put the budget together and sent it up to him to look at. He came down and we talked about the budget. It was an emotionally charged discussion, because the things I wanted seemed really important to me. Once I realized how Ben was feeling, though, we were able to compromise and cut back our Christmas budget to something we were both happy with. That discussion would never have happened if we didn't have the budget. I probably would have just spent the money and then Ben would have been unhappy about it and it would have created tension in our marriage.
I'm so grateful for our budget and the way it has helped us be a team!
Read marriage books together
This is one that has been fun throughout our marriage. We aren't always reading a relationship book, but we're always on the lookout for a good one. Sometimes we revisit our favorites as well.
This has helped us to learn about ourselves (or just think about ourselves so that we can articulate things), learn about each other, and has opened up discussions about our relationship that we might not otherwise have had. It has helped us learn how to show love to each other in better ways, taught us what is really important to each other, and improved the intimate side of our relationship.
Some of our favorite marriage books: For Men Only/For Women Only, The Five Love Languages, Knowing Her Intimately
Make physical intimacy a priority
This one hasn't always been easy! We got pregnant with our first near the end of our first year of marriage and then had three kids in four years. Having young kids is exhausting and busy, which can really make this side of marriage hard. As we've learned and struggled to keep this an important part of our marriage, though, we've been truly blessed for it. I know this is a vitally important part of marriage, that brings us closer not only to each other but also to God.
Learn how we each want love shown to us
One of the things that we've had to do is learn about ourselves and what makes us feel loved. It can be tricky to figure out! We started with the base knowledge we learned from the 5 Love Languages book and then continued to have discussions about what makes us personally feel loved.
For a long time, I thought my top languages were quality time and words of affirmation. I still believe quality time is my number one, but I realized words of affirmation isn't. I thought it was, because I love receiving notes and things like that. Then I realized, my second is actually gifts. I had discarded gifts before because someone buying me something at the store wouldn't really fill my love language. But I realize now, I LOVE gifts that have a lot of thought and meaning behind them. It can be bought from the store as long as I know it's meaningful. This was an important break through for me and how I feel about the way Ben shows me love. Now he has the knowledge he needs to make events (like our anniversary) meaningful for me, which really helps in the way I feel about him and our relationship.
One thing Ben and I have done as well is sit down and talk about what we both feel would help strengthen the romance in our relationship. We're both still working on implementing those on a day to day basis, but the knowledge we now have about each other has already strengthened that side of our relationship.
Talk to each other when we're upset
This is one that has been really hard for us (especially me) to learn. Our first year of marriage was our hardest, because it was the year we had to learn this the most. We're both the type of the people to avoid conflict and just not say anything when we're upset, but then still be upset about it. Because of this, we've had to learn how to talk to each other.
One thing I've learned is to say it right away. The longer I go without saying something, the more I feel I "missed my chance" with it. Then I'm mad, but I don't want to say anything, but every little thing Ben does makes me more mad. If I talk about it right away, it pretty much always ends up being a misunderstanding, which is easy to work through. If it's a difference of opinion, that can be harder, but we still work through it until we both feel understand and have a plan for how to act better the next time that situation comes up.
There are obviously a lot more things we've done and worked through to become close, but those are some of the big things. I am so grateful to have a husband who cares so much about me and about our marriage. We may never have a perfect relationship in this life (because we are imperfect people), but I know that we will both always continue to work on making it better.
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