First, I want to say, I read a lot of books this month. This was due to a combination of a lot of the books being shorter (because I'm trying to read all the books I own and some of them are shorter or quicker reads, as in I read it in a day) and also I had sick kids at two different times, which meant a lot of early mornings, late evenings, and looooong afternoons spent in our house, snuggling kids, letting kids sleep on me, which really just meant I had more time to read.
I also wanted to warn you. I loved a lot of the books I read this month and shared quite a few quotes from them, so it's a little bit of a longer post. With that, let's dive right in!
What We Wish We'd Known When We Were Newlyweds by John and Kimberly Bytheway
I know we're not newlyweds anymore, but this book was in my pile of books I own but haven't read yet and I honestly had a ton of fun reading it! It first of all reminded me of the first year that Ben and I were married and it was amazing to me how many of the same lessons Ben and I learned together that the Bytheways did. I also think it's good to continually be reading books on making your marriage better because for the most part, we all know how to make a marriage better. It's the application that's tricky. Being reminded of things that you could be doing better is always good.
One of my favorite parts was when they talked about how most marriage therapists, when a marriage is in trouble, focus on communication skills. However, what we need to focus on to make our marriage better isn't communication skills (we all know how to communicate), but individually being more Christlike. If we can strive to be Christlike even when we're upset, angry, sad, or feeling picked on, then we will treat our spouses better in those moments and have no need for "communication skills". If we can pray for and develop qualities of compassion, patience, understanding, charity, etc. then our marriages can only be strengthened by it.
Peter Pan by J.M. Barrie
When I was younger, I adored the live action Disney Peter Pan movie. I have to say, I loved this book even more than I loved that movie. I cannot wait until my kids are old enough for me to read it aloud and share the world of Neverland with them. I also noticed that Peter Pan, as with all classics it seems, there is so much in it for grown ups as well as for children. If you've never read it, I definitely would recommend it.
Glimpses into the Life and Heart of Marjorie Pay Hinckley by Virginia H. Pierce
This is a book I own that I hadn't read before. It is a collection of writings and talks by Sister Hinckley combined with interviews from others about Marjorie Hinckley as a person. I felt uplifted and inspired to be better as I read the entire book. It is one of my new favorite books and I definitely recommend it. I feel it is one that, when I'm feeling weary or discouraged, I can pull out and read through some of her words and it will lift me through those hard times.
Some quotes:
"How can we know if this gospel is a thing of God if we do not do the works of God?"
President Lee (who Sister Hinckley describes as knowing the scriptures so well "it was difficult to know when the words were his and when he was quoting"): "I don't think I ever consciously memorized a scripture. I guess I have just worked them through so much that they have become a part of me and my vocabulary."
"The fact is, we know when we are doing our best and when we are not. If we are not doing our best, it leaves us with a gnawing hunger and frustration. But when we do our level best, we experience a peace." She then describes reading a talk by Pat Holland right before needing to write a talk of her own. She sat down wanting to write a scholarly talk similar to Sister Holland's but then realized that they are different women and have different talents. It wasn't until she sat down to write her own talk, and not a Pat Holland, talk that she was able to write it. And both talks bring a different kind of benefit to the listener.
"Children rise higher when they are treated with respect. use courteous and respectful language when you talk with one another ... You don't teach a child not to hit by hitting. We cannot expect to be respected if we treat others in a demeaning way."
"My mother taught me some basic philosophies of rearing children. One is that you have to trust children. I tried hard to never say "no" if I could possibly say "yes." I think that worked well because it gave my children the feeling that I trusted them and they were responsible to do the best they could."
"We have a lot to learn about simplifying our lives. We have to decide what is important and then move along at a pace that is comfortable for us. We have to develop the maturity to stop trying to prove anything, to be what we are." She then outlines the responsibilities mothers have to their husbands, their children, and their homes.
"Since college was not an option, I decided, well, if this is my life, I'd better educate myself. And I worked hard at it. I read and read and read ... The Lord gave you a brain. He intended that you use it ... The thing that motivates me is the knowledge that I am a spirit child of God ... Do your best. Learn everything you can. The day may come when you will need it."
President Kimball: "We are not asking for something spectacular, but rather for the women of the Church to find real self-fulfillment in the pursuit of righteousness in worthy endeavors."
Brigham Young: "Daily toil, however humble, is our daily duty and by doing it well we make it a part of our daily worship." I love that quote, I feel especially as a mom of young kids.
"I love the scripture from Doctrine and Covenants 10:4: 'Do not run faster or labor more than you have strength.' Choose carefully each day that which you will do and that which you will not do, and the Lord will bless you to accomplish the important things that have eternal consequences."
"Let us not waste our time saying with bitterness, "Is this what I was born to do?" Let us rather ask ourselves the question that was asked Esther: "Who knoweth whether thou are come to the kingdom for such a time as this?"" I love this because it changes our perspectives. Rather than looking at life as something that should be fair or bring us happiness all the time, it helps us look at life through the lens of what we can do with what we have been given.
I have truly loved reading this book. I never knew Marjorie Hinckley, but her words and the way she lived her life, through this book, have blessed me to become a better person and to try a little harder each day.
Dear Mr. President by Andrea Davis Pinkney
This is a book a dear 90-something woman in our ward gave me after I spent some time reading to her. I never got around to reading until now, because it looked intimidating. It's a fictional letter conversation between Lincoln and a slave girl during the civil war. However, it was an easy read (history meant for a younger audience) and, I thought, very well done.
The Overton Window by Glenn Beck
I got this book from my sister-in-law and it ended up in my pile of books I've never read. This is a political thriller about what happens when government gets too much power, in the name of "protecting" the citizens, and what happens when the populace is too divided and too oblivious (due to things like watching TV and not being involved at all in politics). There were some parts that were harder for me to get through, just due the fact that it was so political, and other parts that I really enjoyed. There were a couple instances of torture that did bother me, but I didn't feel they were poorly done, that sort of thing just bothers me in general. There is a sequel and I may read it sometime in the future.
Honey for a Child's Heart by Gladys M. Hunt
This book was about the benefits of reading out loud as a family and I absolutely loved it! This is one of my favorite topics and I loved the way the author focused on the benefits to children as people, rather than the academic benefits (which is already covered and very well done in The Read Aloud Handbook). She talked about relationships being improved, character growing and developing, and a relationship with God blossoming as parents choose and read good books with their children.
The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch
This was written by a professor who was dying of cancer and gave a "last lecture" at his university. Then he wrote the book expounding on that speech. It was a touching story with some really great inspiration for living a better life sprinkled throughout the book. I enjoyed it, though I didn't absolutely love it.
Look Up, My Soul by Gerald Lund
This is a book that my mother-in-law and sister-in-law gave me for my 21st birthday. I started reading it then, but must have gotten busy with school because I never finished it. Thus, it was in my pile of books to read before I move. I'm so glad it was!
This book is about having hope in God's promises. I have read a lot of Gerald Lund's novels, but this was the first nonfiction of his that I picked up. I loved it! I have felt so much inspiration to be better and the Spirit has been more a part of my life. Every time I go to church or the temple, I'm reminded of things I read in this book. Gerald Lund is so knowledgeable about the gospel and he has a gift of explaining it.
At the expense of making this post too long, I want to share some of my favorite insights and quotes.
"Discouragement, depression, and despair may be common companions of adversity and tribulation, but they are not inherent within the nature of life's challenges."
"Real charity is not something you give away. It is something that you acquire ad make a part of yourself. And when the virtue of charity becomes implanted in your heart, you are never the same again." - Elder Marvin J. Ashton
"Those of us who desire to be more like the Father and the Son may become discouraged as we contemplate all of the commandments, requirements, and expectations. We may feel overwhelmed by how far short we have fallen of the mark. It is enough to cause us to lose heart and give up. But we should never forget that we don't have to do this alone ... we can draw upon the power from on high."
"Not only are we to endure trials and setbacks, but we are to endure them well."
"If we don't have the Spirit, it's not just personal revelation that we lack. Hope, faith, and courage and patience are all gifts of the Spirit."
"Good desires are not enough ... We must apply gospel principles to situations and look for both the positive and negative consequences of our actions. We also need the Spirit to give us the wisdom to see what is right, not just what is desirable." I loved this concept, that not all desires (even good desires) are in line with what God wants. That's why we need to study scriptures (so we know the gospel principles) and listen to the Spirit (so we are in tune with what He wants of us, not just what we want). I really feel this is an important concept to remember as Ben and I go through our life together. We have a lot of good desires, but we need to be willing to change them if God asks something different of us.
Neil A. Maxwell: "What we insistently desire, over time, is what we will eventually become and what we will receive in eternity."
David A. Bednar: "I frankly to not think many of us "get it" concerning this enabling and strengthening aspect of the Atonement, and I wonder if we mistakenly believe we must make the journey from good to better and become a saint all by ourselves through sheer grit, willpower, and discipline."
His daughter Cynthia: "When I'm discouraged and overwhelmed (not to mention grumpy) then I know I have been neglecting my gospel study and prayer."
"If we are going to draw on the deeper power of the scriptures, it will require more than an occasional, casual reading. It will require effort. Patience. Perseverance."
This book is definitely worth the time to read.
The Wish by Gail Carson Levine
This was also in my books that I own but hadn't read yet. I believe I bought this book when we were newlyweds on some sort of deal. Gail Carson Levine also wrote Ella Enchanted, which was my favorite book growing up and is still one of my favorite books. This book was good (it was for ages 8-12), but not nearly as good as Ella Enchanted. I enjoyed it nonetheless.
The story is about a girl who, after her two close friends move, is being teased at school. She is unpopular and just wants some friends. She gives up her seat on the bus and the old lady who took her seat gives her one wish: to be the most popular girl at her school. She loves it but realizes that soon school will end and so will her popularity. I loved the themes of this book and the way it promotes inclusion and thinking about others. It also touches on the fact that it's best not to care what other people think, although that can be really hard at times (especially as a preteen and teen). It was very well done for its target age group.
Walk Tall, You're a Daughter of God by Jamie Glenn
My mom gave me this book when I was a teenager and I read some of it, but I didn't remember much of it, so I put it in my pile of books to read before we move (I couldn't remember if I'd actually finished it or not). It's a quick read, but worth it. It was written by the lady who wrote the song. In the book, she expounded on the lyrics of the song. It was well written and the content brought the Spirit.
The Wizard of Oz by L. Frank Baum
This is another book from my childhood that I have no memory of reading. I really enjoyed it, despite it being an easier read. One of the things that I noticed right away were all the differences throughout the book from the movie. For example, in the book, Dorothy's shoes are silver, not red. They don't meet the wicked witch of the West until over halfway through the book (all the challenges they face before that come up naturally). The good witch Dorothy meets with munchkins is not Glinda (she doesn't meet Glinda until almost the end of the book). Those are some of the biggest differences, but there were so many throughout the book. I did think, for the most part, the book was better (isn't it always?).
I did thoroughly enjoy it (it's not my favorite children's classic though). I definitely think that if you want to get into reading classics, but you're intimidated, start with children's classics. They're beautifully written, bring a simplicity back to life, but are easier to understand than some of the adult classics.
Way to Be! by Gordon B. Hinckley
This is Gordon B. Hinckley's book on the 9 B's. I've heard a lot about these (and heard quite a few of the stories in this book before), but hadn't actually read it. I got it at DI not too long ago, to add to my library. I loved it! I love the spirit of optimism and hope that both President Hinckley and his wife share. I definitely want my kids to read it as they grow up to teenagers.
I'll just quickly share the 9 B's here, with an excerpt from the book.
Be Grateful
"Your very attitude toward life can be evidence of whether or not you are truly grateful for life, for the blessings you have, for the comforts and privileges and opportunities you enjoy, for the talents you have been given, for everything.
Be Smart
"Resist thinking that what you do now doesn't matter, because it does ... There are few things more pathetic than those who have lost their curiosity and sense of adventure, and who no longer care to learn ... You don't have to be a genius to do great things. The important work of this world is done, for the most part, by ordinary people who do their work in an extraordinary way."
Be Involved
"When I say Be Involved, I am suggesting that you Be Involved in good works. Or, in other words, be willing to work ... Most of us tend to be inherently lazy. We would rather play than work. We would rather loaf than work. A little play and a little loafing are good from time to time. But ... it is work that gives us the feeling of accomplishment. And it is work that allows us to feel that we are making a difference in the world."
Be Clean
President Hinckley told of the hard work he did as a child, with chores and such, and then said, " ... The result was wonderful. The house was clean, our spirits renewed, and the whole world looked better. Everything does look better when it's clean."
Be True
"Be true to your own convictions. you know what is right, and you know what is wrong. You know when you are doing the proper thing. You know when you are giving strength to the right cause. Be loyal. Be faithful. Be true."
Be Positive
"I would like to suggest that we stop seeking out the storms of life and enjoy the sunlight. I am suggesting that we 'accentuate the positive'. I am asking that we look a little deeper for the good, that we still our voices of insult and sarcasm, that we more generously compliment virtue and hard effort. There is good all around us--if we will only look for it."
Be Still
"There are voices everywhere trying to influence us. We all need time to think. We need to drown out the clamor and noise and simply be quiet. We need time to ponder and meditate and to contemplate the deeper things of life. We need time to read and to immerse ourselves in the thoughts of great minds."
Be Prayerful
"Prayer will change your life. It will bring you peace. It will give you direction and guidance. It will help you feel that you are not alone in this big and sometimes brutal world. The Lord answers our prayers. I know that. I have seen it again and again."
The Abolition of Men by C.S. Lewis
This was a fabulous book, though definitely not an easy read. I had a hard time understanding some of it, but I love C.S. Lewis. "In The Abolition of Man, C.S. Lewis sets out to persuade his audience of the importance and relevance of universal values such as courage and honor in contemporary society." I loved the way he talked about education and the way he discussed progress having a foundation in traditional principles.
Mindset by Carol s. Dweck
This is a book that I've been hearing about on blogs for so long and I loved the idea of the book, so I finally bought it a few months ago. I started it, got about half way through, then started reading through all the books I own and put this book on hold. I finished it this month while sick kids were sleeping on me (it's simply much easier to read on your phone than out of a book in that position). But I loved this book, it has changed the way I see my life, other people, and parenting.
The idea behind this book is that there are two mindsets. The fixed mindset is the belief that talent or intelligence or skill, etc. are fixed. You're either born with it or not. If you have to work for it, it's not worth as much. Practice doesn't improve it. Along those lines. The growth mindset is the opposite. "The growth mindset is based on the belief that your basic qualities are things you can cultivate through your efforts, your strategies, and help from others.
Everyone is a mix of both, but the growth mindset is better for self improvement and healthy relationships, so the more you can view life through that lens, the better (also, just a side thought not discussed in the book, God views all of us through the growth mindset and his entire plan is based off of that). I feel that for me, growing up I had a lot of the fixed mindset in some areas (like art, just for an example) but the growth in others (like in dance). When I got married to Ben, I feel that my growth mindset took a leap forward (Ben is very growth mindset oriented) and reading this book showed me even more ways that I can improve. I loved it and definitely recommend it for anyone.
"I don't divide the world into the weak and the strong, or the successes and the failures ... I divide the world into the learners and the nonlearners." -Benjamin Barber
Letters in the Jade Dragon Box by Gale Sears
I loved this book! It is an LDS historical fiction set in Hong Kong after the death of the communist Chinese chairman Mao Tse-tung. It had beautiful themes of family, love, forgiveness, strength in adversity, and faith. The characters are strong and real, the character development is inspiring, and the history is told in such a way as to be interesting. I'm so glad I read this book!
Believing Christ by Stephen E. Robinson
I believe my mom or brother had this book when I was growing up and I'd heard of this concept before (of moving past simply believing in Christ and actually believing Christ when He says that He can save us), but I'd never read the book. Awhile back, I saw a hard copy of it at DI and bought it, so that's how it ended up in my pile of books that I own but hadn't read yet.
I thought this book was very well done, though the author did repeat a lot (I think using the repetition to bring his point home) and could have probably been shorter. Honestly, I think most nonfiction books could be written to be shorter. Nonetheless, I would definitely recommend it.
"The 'good news' of the gospel is good news to me not because it promises that other people who are better than I am can be saved, but because it promises that I can be saved."
"The most important goal in mortality is becoming one with Christ through the gospel covenant and gaining access through that union to his perfection."
"The Savior in turn agrees to cover our mistakes while we are learning and progressing ... From the moment we enter into the covenant with him, our mistakes are covered ..."
"Above all else, God wants our hearts. Imperfect performance can be corrected, sins can be remitted, mistakes can be erased--but God can do nothing with an unwilling and rebellious heart until it repents. Weakness can be saved; rebellion cannot."
Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm by Kate Douglas Wiggin
Another children's classic I've owned since I was a child but never read until now. I loved it! I wasn't sure at first, because I didn't really like how her mother sent her away to her aunts (I guess I didn't understand that the education there was better until later in the book, then it made more sense to me) and I hated some of the ways and reasons her aunts "disciplined her." I have recently been learning more about the best ways to handle kids acting out and I also have a golden rule with kids (not that I'm perfect with it, but I really try) that if it's not hurting people or property, it's okay. As adults, it's easy for us to worry about everything kids do and not let them be kids. This definitely happens with Rebecca. However, I loved how Rebecca loved to read, that she applied herself to her studies and did so well, and I loved the overall message of hope. It was there even during times when the situations looked hopeless. I also loved the themes of love, goodness, and kindness throughout the book. In my opinion, this is basically an Anne of Green Gables for a younger audience (which, also in my opinion, is a good thing!).
The Constitution A Heavenly Banner by Ezra Taft Benson
This is a really short read, but one that I feel everyone should read. It was very well thought out, very inspiring. In the book, Bensons talks about how and why the constitution is an inspired, God-approved document and how and why we need to uphold it. It really has inspired me to study the constitution more and really understand what is in the constitution.
My favorite part of the book is when Benson talks about government. He says, "The important thing to keep in mind is that the people who have created the government can give to that government only such powers as they themselves, have in the first place. Obviously they cannot give what they do not posses. So the question boils down to this: What powers properly belong to each and every person in the absence of and prior to the establishment of any organized form of government." I love that. It makes it so clear to me why the government shouldn't be involved in things such as healthcare (if there were no government, one person shouldn't force another to get health insurance) and why taxes are unconstitutional (if there were no government, one person wouldn't force another to give, they'd simply ask, make needs known, and trust in human goodness).
It was a phenomenal read, I can't recommend it enough (it was also, again, a short read and actually not a hard one). Go read it!
Sunday, October 1, 2017
Sunday, September 10, 2017
A Night of Perspective
Our girls have been sick all week and it's been pretty miserable for everyone. The worst, though, was Thursday night. I wanted to share that experience and some of my thoughts with it.
The kids had been sick all day Tuesday, but seemed to be doing a lot better Wednesday. We even went to a family birthday party and they were just fine. Thursday morning, Parker was doing worse, showing signs of a cold. After her nap, she was sounding raspy and like she was having a hard time breathing.
Back story: Parker's two year old cousin has been struggling with asthma for the past year. He's had to be taken in to the emergency room once, the hospital overnight once, has been on oxygen and all sorts of other medication to ensure he can breath, and hasn't had dairy in case a dairy allergy was affecting his lungs. Every time he is sick, his mother has to deal with the stress and worry in case the sickness triggers an asthma attack.
Naturally, after all that with Thomas, I was worried about Parker's breathing. I called my sister-in-law and she brought the finger thing that she uses to test Thomas' oxygen level. She also looked and listened to Parker's breathing. To her, it did look like Parker's breathing was tight, but that it didn't sound like allergy and it wasn't bad. When we tested her oxygen levels, they were perfect.
We put Parker down to bed early. Around nine ish (I think) and we checked her on the monitor that we have. Then we turned the monitor off (expecting the kids to just sleep until morning). Around 9:45, we were going to start getting ready for bed and I felt I needed to check the monitor. I turned it on and Parker was awake, crying and obviously struggling to breath.
I went and got her and we were trying to calm her down, but we couldn't and the more worked up she got, the worse her breathing got. It was so scary. I finally got her to nurse and she calmed down. While I was doing that, Ben had called his parents, who came over. They brought some oils and gave Parker a blessing.
I rocked Parker to sleep while Ben borrowed some onions and a humidifier and got it all set up in Parker's room. Then we put her down and I slept with the monitor on right next to me. Thankfully she slept the rest of the night, though she wasn't doing that much better. Another night helped and Saturday morning she was breathing better, though by this time, Ashtyn had her cough and was doing worse again. This morning, they were both doing better (though not recovered) and of course, Ben and I are feeling sick now.
Even with the long week and the long days of caring for our sick babies, I have kept a spirit of gratitude in my heart. When Parker was having trouble breathing, I caught a glimpse of the scary world of being able to do nothing for your children. I had only moments of the stress, the fear, the anxiety and I felt it all from our home. I didn't have to take her to a hospital or worry afterwards about lingering problems or the problem coming back. It brought to my mind extreme gratitude that our girls having always been healthy. My pregnancies never had complications, their births went smoothly, that they've never needed to be hospitalized or faced a serious illness. It also gave me great respect, empathy, and love for pioneer women who faced these sorts of illnesses with their kids in the wilderness without access to doctors.
I am so thankful for the blessings in my life.
The kids had been sick all day Tuesday, but seemed to be doing a lot better Wednesday. We even went to a family birthday party and they were just fine. Thursday morning, Parker was doing worse, showing signs of a cold. After her nap, she was sounding raspy and like she was having a hard time breathing.
Back story: Parker's two year old cousin has been struggling with asthma for the past year. He's had to be taken in to the emergency room once, the hospital overnight once, has been on oxygen and all sorts of other medication to ensure he can breath, and hasn't had dairy in case a dairy allergy was affecting his lungs. Every time he is sick, his mother has to deal with the stress and worry in case the sickness triggers an asthma attack.
Naturally, after all that with Thomas, I was worried about Parker's breathing. I called my sister-in-law and she brought the finger thing that she uses to test Thomas' oxygen level. She also looked and listened to Parker's breathing. To her, it did look like Parker's breathing was tight, but that it didn't sound like allergy and it wasn't bad. When we tested her oxygen levels, they were perfect.
We put Parker down to bed early. Around nine ish (I think) and we checked her on the monitor that we have. Then we turned the monitor off (expecting the kids to just sleep until morning). Around 9:45, we were going to start getting ready for bed and I felt I needed to check the monitor. I turned it on and Parker was awake, crying and obviously struggling to breath.
I went and got her and we were trying to calm her down, but we couldn't and the more worked up she got, the worse her breathing got. It was so scary. I finally got her to nurse and she calmed down. While I was doing that, Ben had called his parents, who came over. They brought some oils and gave Parker a blessing.
I rocked Parker to sleep while Ben borrowed some onions and a humidifier and got it all set up in Parker's room. Then we put her down and I slept with the monitor on right next to me. Thankfully she slept the rest of the night, though she wasn't doing that much better. Another night helped and Saturday morning she was breathing better, though by this time, Ashtyn had her cough and was doing worse again. This morning, they were both doing better (though not recovered) and of course, Ben and I are feeling sick now.
Even with the long week and the long days of caring for our sick babies, I have kept a spirit of gratitude in my heart. When Parker was having trouble breathing, I caught a glimpse of the scary world of being able to do nothing for your children. I had only moments of the stress, the fear, the anxiety and I felt it all from our home. I didn't have to take her to a hospital or worry afterwards about lingering problems or the problem coming back. It brought to my mind extreme gratitude that our girls having always been healthy. My pregnancies never had complications, their births went smoothly, that they've never needed to be hospitalized or faced a serious illness. It also gave me great respect, empathy, and love for pioneer women who faced these sorts of illnesses with their kids in the wilderness without access to doctors.
I am so thankful for the blessings in my life.
Friday, September 1, 2017
Books I've Read - August 2017
Thicker than Blood by C.J. Darlington
This was a book that I got for free on Kindle. It is a Christian novel about two sisters whose parents died when they were teenagers and they separated. It's a book about making the right choice even when it's hard, forgiveness, and how no one is too far gone from God. I enjoyed it and thought it was well-written.
Clean My Space by Melissa Maker
This is a book I've wanted to buy for a long time. I watch Melissa Maker's YouTube channel and wanted to support what she was doing. She also runs a cleaning company, so the book detailed her systems for cleaning in the quickest and most efficient way. I feel like I know pretty well how to clean already, but I did get some useful tips and reminders. I was also excited to get her homemade cleaner recipes.
The Bracelet by Jennie Hansen
I went through our books and made a giant pile of all the books we own that I haven't read yet. My goal is to read them before we get into our house, but it's a pretty big pile, so we'll see. This book was one that my sister-in-law bought at one time at DI and then got rid of (she got rid of a lot of books since they're downsizing and she let me "shop" through them first).
I enjoyed it. It's basically a Work and the Glory version of Downton Abbey for fourteen year old girls. I really liked the characters and the plot kept me reading. I also liked the messages of hope and forgiveness. There were quite a few times when the author info dumped on the reader and it also was not the most realistic of plots, but I enjoyed it nonetheless. I liked it enough to keep it in our library for when our daughters are in their early teens.
Charlotte's Web by E.B. White
This is a book I've had since I was a really young (it even has my name written on it in wobbly letters). I have no memory of reading it (I may have, or had it read to me), so I put it in the pile of books I hadn't read yet. It was, of course, a really quick and fun read. I love books like this. I loved the simple, slow moving life it depicted and I loved how it spelled out very simply profound truths about life and people. I already knew the plot from the movies, but of course, the book is always better. I also love happy ending books.
The Mortal Instruments (1-3) by Cassandra Clare
I had heard about these books on YouTube ("BookTube") and they came highly recommended. I saw the first three at DI in nearly new condition and had bought them. Thus they ended up in my pile of books that I own but haven't read.
They were fine. I didn't love them, but I think I would have if I'd read them when I was in high school. They felt very Twilight-esque to me. It was set in our world/time, but there were vampires, werewolves, faeries, warlocks, demons, and shadowhunters (humans who had angel blood, tasked with fighting the demons). I liked the romance in it. For the most part, I liked the characters and the character growth. It had a happy ending, which I always like.
Things that bothered me about them: there were parts of the plot (particularly in the third book) that were just annoying; the main bad guy was messed up and when they talked about some of the things he did, it bothered me; as far as I could tell, nobody slept together, but there were some times they were close and it definitely was a theme throughout the book; a child dies, which always bothers me (I almost stopped reading then); and finally, the fact that the premise of the book was about demons versus angels and the way they talked of Heaven bothered me. I haven't ever liked media based on religious things like that.
I am unsure whether I will keep these books or not. There are actually two more books in the series (I'm pretty sure), even though this plot line is basically wrapped up. I might read the next two books (when I'm done with my giant pile, of course) and then decide.
Letters by Marjorie Pay Hinkley
This is a collection of letters that Marjorie Hinkley wrote to different relations throughout her life, compiled by her children she died. It was of course beautiful. I loved seeing how patient she was with the hardships she faced and with how much the church asked of her husband. I also loved seeing the everyday life she described with young kids at an earlier time than I'm living with young kids and found some of her insights very true and relateable.
In my life, it has not only given me a travel bug, but also remotivated me to begin writing letters to my loved ones who don't live close by.
If Life Were Easy, It Wouldn't Be Hard by Sheri Dew
I love Sheri Dew and even though this is an older book, it was fun for me to read it. I found a lot of inspiration and motivation to be better as I read through it. Here are two of my favorite thoughts:
This was a book that I got for free on Kindle. It is a Christian novel about two sisters whose parents died when they were teenagers and they separated. It's a book about making the right choice even when it's hard, forgiveness, and how no one is too far gone from God. I enjoyed it and thought it was well-written.
Clean My Space by Melissa Maker
This is a book I've wanted to buy for a long time. I watch Melissa Maker's YouTube channel and wanted to support what she was doing. She also runs a cleaning company, so the book detailed her systems for cleaning in the quickest and most efficient way. I feel like I know pretty well how to clean already, but I did get some useful tips and reminders. I was also excited to get her homemade cleaner recipes.
I went through our books and made a giant pile of all the books we own that I haven't read yet. My goal is to read them before we get into our house, but it's a pretty big pile, so we'll see. This book was one that my sister-in-law bought at one time at DI and then got rid of (she got rid of a lot of books since they're downsizing and she let me "shop" through them first).
I enjoyed it. It's basically a Work and the Glory version of Downton Abbey for fourteen year old girls. I really liked the characters and the plot kept me reading. I also liked the messages of hope and forgiveness. There were quite a few times when the author info dumped on the reader and it also was not the most realistic of plots, but I enjoyed it nonetheless. I liked it enough to keep it in our library for when our daughters are in their early teens.
Charlotte's Web by E.B. White
This is a book I've had since I was a really young (it even has my name written on it in wobbly letters). I have no memory of reading it (I may have, or had it read to me), so I put it in the pile of books I hadn't read yet. It was, of course, a really quick and fun read. I love books like this. I loved the simple, slow moving life it depicted and I loved how it spelled out very simply profound truths about life and people. I already knew the plot from the movies, but of course, the book is always better. I also love happy ending books.
The Mortal Instruments (1-3) by Cassandra Clare
I had heard about these books on YouTube ("BookTube") and they came highly recommended. I saw the first three at DI in nearly new condition and had bought them. Thus they ended up in my pile of books that I own but haven't read.
They were fine. I didn't love them, but I think I would have if I'd read them when I was in high school. They felt very Twilight-esque to me. It was set in our world/time, but there were vampires, werewolves, faeries, warlocks, demons, and shadowhunters (humans who had angel blood, tasked with fighting the demons). I liked the romance in it. For the most part, I liked the characters and the character growth. It had a happy ending, which I always like.
Things that bothered me about them: there were parts of the plot (particularly in the third book) that were just annoying; the main bad guy was messed up and when they talked about some of the things he did, it bothered me; as far as I could tell, nobody slept together, but there were some times they were close and it definitely was a theme throughout the book; a child dies, which always bothers me (I almost stopped reading then); and finally, the fact that the premise of the book was about demons versus angels and the way they talked of Heaven bothered me. I haven't ever liked media based on religious things like that.
I am unsure whether I will keep these books or not. There are actually two more books in the series (I'm pretty sure), even though this plot line is basically wrapped up. I might read the next two books (when I'm done with my giant pile, of course) and then decide.
Letters by Marjorie Pay Hinkley
This is a collection of letters that Marjorie Hinkley wrote to different relations throughout her life, compiled by her children she died. It was of course beautiful. I loved seeing how patient she was with the hardships she faced and with how much the church asked of her husband. I also loved seeing the everyday life she described with young kids at an earlier time than I'm living with young kids and found some of her insights very true and relateable.
In my life, it has not only given me a travel bug, but also remotivated me to begin writing letters to my loved ones who don't live close by.
If Life Were Easy, It Wouldn't Be Hard by Sheri Dew
I love Sheri Dew and even though this is an older book, it was fun for me to read it. I found a lot of inspiration and motivation to be better as I read through it. Here are two of my favorite thoughts:
Charity is not an emotion or action. It is not something we feel or do. Charity is who the Savior is ... Thus, when we plead for the gift of charity, we aren't asking for lovely feelings toward someone who bugs us or someone who has injured or wounded us. We are actually pleading for very natures to be changed, for our character and disposition to become more and more like the Savior's."
"What could possibly be more important or enduring than bringing a life into the world and then shepherding that life so that he or she can fulfill a God-given, divine potential?"
Sunday, August 6, 2017
A Million Dollars of Debt is Crazy, Right?
I watched a YouTube video that I just can't get over. It was a couple who were more than a million dollars in debt and didn't seem to care. A MILLION is a lot, right?? But they were so chill about it. And of course, they don't recommend you do what they do, but in their situation, for them, it was the best thing, they say. It blows my mind, the excuses and justifications they came up with for what they did.
They had a mortgage over 500,000 (they needed to be in that neighborhood so they're daughter could go to a specific school and there was no way for them to rent in that neighborhood), student loans over 400,000 (they are both lawyers), a 15,000 loan on their 401K so they could have a down payment on their house (because the housing market is so ridiculous, of course, not because they weren't patient), over 20,000 in loans for house repairs (I honestly think the house was the worst decision they could have made), 14,000 for a car loan (because they live in the suburbs, so they needed two cars, they tried using only one but they work in opposite directions with different schedules and they really tried to keep the cost down on the car, but they wanted it to be an investment--they don't know that cars are literally never an investment--because they'll probably send this car with their daughter to college), and top of it all, in the last year, $15,000 of credit card debt crept up on them because they didn't adjust their lifestyle to all the payments they now have, the $20,000 pay cut the wife took (so she could be with a company she liked more) right after they replaced all the windows in their house, and the new baby which costs a lot in childcare.
Now if I sound like I'm judging, it's because I am. Not so much because of how much debt they have, but because of their outlook on the debt. They literally think it's no big deal and they also don't have any plans to pay off their house or their student loans anytime soon (which are what make their debt almost a million dollars to begin with). They also say that they "needed" it all. It drives me crazy, as if going into debt wasn't a choice for them, it was the only option? What a total joke.
I want to take them and shake them and say, "WHAT IN THE WORLD IS WRONG WITH YOU?" Do they honestly not understand the risk, much less the opportunity cost of all the payments they make? Between the two of them, they must be making a lot. Imagine if they had that income but they didn't have any payments. Imagine what they could do, what they could give, how much less stress their lives and marriage would have, if they had no payments.
It's really hard for me to see other people doing finance different than Ben and I, because it's worked so well for us. We found Dave Ramsey July of 2014. I was pregnant with Ashtyn, we were both in school, Ben was moving from an $18,000 a year job to a $40,000 a year job. We had no money, $5,000 in student loans, and weren't budgeting.
When we started budgeting, that was the best thing for our finances. We suddenly were in charge of where our money went, instead of hoping we'd have enough money to make it to the next paycheck. It got us on the same page in our marriage and eliminated the friction over finances.
We went through Dave Ramsey's first three baby steps really quickly. His steps are 1) Get $1,000 in the bank, 2) Pay off all debts except house (we didn't have a house at the time, we only had the $5,000 in student loans), and 3) Build up a three to six month emergency fund. We started in August and by the end of January, we had our debt paid off and our emergency fund in the bank. We started saving for a house, but it was slow going.
We really wanted to buy a house. I was finished with school, we had a baby, I was tired of being in Orem where I was without a car while Ben was at work all day and without family close enough to visit very often. Ben would get home from work or school and work on his business part time and I had a brand new baby. It was lonely, it was hard, it was tiring. But we also knew that the plan we were on was the right path and that it wasn't going to last forever (even if sometimes it felt like it would). So we waited to buy a house and we kept plugging away at our plan.
May of 2015, our landlord's daughter got married and they let us know we would need to move so their daughter could have the apartment. I actually had known we would be moving soon (I didn't know why, I'd just had the impression. This happens to me often. I have a hard time with change, so God helps me prepare for it.) and was really excited for the move. We talked about a lot of different options and looked at a lot of different apartments, but we ultimately decided to take the leap of taking Ben's business full time and move to Vernal where it was cheaper to rent and where we could live with Ben's sister while his business started bringing in more money (at the time his business brought in about $1500 a month).
If we hadn't been out of debt, if we hadn't had so much in savings, we never would've made the leap. It would have been too risky. When we moved, we literally didn't have any payments. We had to buy diapers and food and that was about it. We knew it was the perfect time to try something like this, because we didn't have a house payment because we had waited to buy a house even though we really hadn't wanted to wait.
Now Ben works for himself, which is the best thing ever. I get to stay home with my kids and work on my blog without any pressure to make money off it, both of which I'll forever be grateful for. And we're getting ready to buy our first house. We had a lot of options when we were looking because we've been so patient. We've waited and sacrificed to save for years. Ben's income is pretty high, we have over $100,000 to put as a down payment, and we decided to buy a house in Vernal (where the market is a lot cheaper but where we're still really happy). We are building a house that we know we'll love, in a location we love, and we also know that we'll be able to pay it off incredibly fast.
Our dream is having no payments, including a house payment, so that we can do incredible things with our money, like travel a lot and be outrageously generous.
It's hard, because of how many blessings we've seen following Dave Ramsey's plan, to see people we care about do things differently but I also see them be happy while making some decisions we wouldn't. I'm working on trying to see how their decision are best for their families and not see their decisions as bad decisions simply because it's different than what I would do. It helps to remember that while Ben and I wouldn't do it, the people we love make overall good financial decisions and are responsible with their money.
This video, though, is different to me because it's so extreme. And their view on money drives me crazy. Maybe I'm just crazy. Maybe a million dollars in debt will become the new normal and maybe they actually are happy, with no financial tensions affecting their lives and marriage. Maybe.
All I know is what I would do if I woke up in their shoes. First, I would sell the house and rent while I got out of the mess I'd made. I'd pay off the 401K loan immediately. I'd keep $1000 in the bank and then begin the debt snowball. I'd list my debts lowest to highest and begin throwing any equity in the house and any savings (I think they have a bunch of savings) and then pay it off as fast as possible. It would leave probably $500,000 in debt, but because of their savings and how high their incomes are, they could probably pay it off really fast if they got intense. It wouldn't be the most fun few years of their lives, but the payoff would be worth it. Then I'd pile up as much cash for a down payment as I could and then buy a house and pay it off as fast as I could. That's what I would do.
But I'm not them. I can't do that for them and I can't make them follow a plan like that. They obviously don't have the same views on money as I do right now. All I can do is follow my own financial plan in my life and not worry about theirs.
They had a mortgage over 500,000 (they needed to be in that neighborhood so they're daughter could go to a specific school and there was no way for them to rent in that neighborhood), student loans over 400,000 (they are both lawyers), a 15,000 loan on their 401K so they could have a down payment on their house (because the housing market is so ridiculous, of course, not because they weren't patient), over 20,000 in loans for house repairs (I honestly think the house was the worst decision they could have made), 14,000 for a car loan (because they live in the suburbs, so they needed two cars, they tried using only one but they work in opposite directions with different schedules and they really tried to keep the cost down on the car, but they wanted it to be an investment--they don't know that cars are literally never an investment--because they'll probably send this car with their daughter to college), and top of it all, in the last year, $15,000 of credit card debt crept up on them because they didn't adjust their lifestyle to all the payments they now have, the $20,000 pay cut the wife took (so she could be with a company she liked more) right after they replaced all the windows in their house, and the new baby which costs a lot in childcare.
Now if I sound like I'm judging, it's because I am. Not so much because of how much debt they have, but because of their outlook on the debt. They literally think it's no big deal and they also don't have any plans to pay off their house or their student loans anytime soon (which are what make their debt almost a million dollars to begin with). They also say that they "needed" it all. It drives me crazy, as if going into debt wasn't a choice for them, it was the only option? What a total joke.
I want to take them and shake them and say, "WHAT IN THE WORLD IS WRONG WITH YOU?" Do they honestly not understand the risk, much less the opportunity cost of all the payments they make? Between the two of them, they must be making a lot. Imagine if they had that income but they didn't have any payments. Imagine what they could do, what they could give, how much less stress their lives and marriage would have, if they had no payments.
It's really hard for me to see other people doing finance different than Ben and I, because it's worked so well for us. We found Dave Ramsey July of 2014. I was pregnant with Ashtyn, we were both in school, Ben was moving from an $18,000 a year job to a $40,000 a year job. We had no money, $5,000 in student loans, and weren't budgeting.
When we started budgeting, that was the best thing for our finances. We suddenly were in charge of where our money went, instead of hoping we'd have enough money to make it to the next paycheck. It got us on the same page in our marriage and eliminated the friction over finances.
We went through Dave Ramsey's first three baby steps really quickly. His steps are 1) Get $1,000 in the bank, 2) Pay off all debts except house (we didn't have a house at the time, we only had the $5,000 in student loans), and 3) Build up a three to six month emergency fund. We started in August and by the end of January, we had our debt paid off and our emergency fund in the bank. We started saving for a house, but it was slow going.
We really wanted to buy a house. I was finished with school, we had a baby, I was tired of being in Orem where I was without a car while Ben was at work all day and without family close enough to visit very often. Ben would get home from work or school and work on his business part time and I had a brand new baby. It was lonely, it was hard, it was tiring. But we also knew that the plan we were on was the right path and that it wasn't going to last forever (even if sometimes it felt like it would). So we waited to buy a house and we kept plugging away at our plan.
May of 2015, our landlord's daughter got married and they let us know we would need to move so their daughter could have the apartment. I actually had known we would be moving soon (I didn't know why, I'd just had the impression. This happens to me often. I have a hard time with change, so God helps me prepare for it.) and was really excited for the move. We talked about a lot of different options and looked at a lot of different apartments, but we ultimately decided to take the leap of taking Ben's business full time and move to Vernal where it was cheaper to rent and where we could live with Ben's sister while his business started bringing in more money (at the time his business brought in about $1500 a month).
If we hadn't been out of debt, if we hadn't had so much in savings, we never would've made the leap. It would have been too risky. When we moved, we literally didn't have any payments. We had to buy diapers and food and that was about it. We knew it was the perfect time to try something like this, because we didn't have a house payment because we had waited to buy a house even though we really hadn't wanted to wait.
Now Ben works for himself, which is the best thing ever. I get to stay home with my kids and work on my blog without any pressure to make money off it, both of which I'll forever be grateful for. And we're getting ready to buy our first house. We had a lot of options when we were looking because we've been so patient. We've waited and sacrificed to save for years. Ben's income is pretty high, we have over $100,000 to put as a down payment, and we decided to buy a house in Vernal (where the market is a lot cheaper but where we're still really happy). We are building a house that we know we'll love, in a location we love, and we also know that we'll be able to pay it off incredibly fast.
Our dream is having no payments, including a house payment, so that we can do incredible things with our money, like travel a lot and be outrageously generous.
It's hard, because of how many blessings we've seen following Dave Ramsey's plan, to see people we care about do things differently but I also see them be happy while making some decisions we wouldn't. I'm working on trying to see how their decision are best for their families and not see their decisions as bad decisions simply because it's different than what I would do. It helps to remember that while Ben and I wouldn't do it, the people we love make overall good financial decisions and are responsible with their money.
This video, though, is different to me because it's so extreme. And their view on money drives me crazy. Maybe I'm just crazy. Maybe a million dollars in debt will become the new normal and maybe they actually are happy, with no financial tensions affecting their lives and marriage. Maybe.
All I know is what I would do if I woke up in their shoes. First, I would sell the house and rent while I got out of the mess I'd made. I'd pay off the 401K loan immediately. I'd keep $1000 in the bank and then begin the debt snowball. I'd list my debts lowest to highest and begin throwing any equity in the house and any savings (I think they have a bunch of savings) and then pay it off as fast as possible. It would leave probably $500,000 in debt, but because of their savings and how high their incomes are, they could probably pay it off really fast if they got intense. It wouldn't be the most fun few years of their lives, but the payoff would be worth it. Then I'd pile up as much cash for a down payment as I could and then buy a house and pay it off as fast as I could. That's what I would do.
But I'm not them. I can't do that for them and I can't make them follow a plan like that. They obviously don't have the same views on money as I do right now. All I can do is follow my own financial plan in my life and not worry about theirs.
Thursday, August 3, 2017
July 2017 - Books I've Read
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman
This was a book I got for one of my classes back in college (my major was family studies) and I decided to actually read it now that I had some more marriage experience under my belt. It's really a good book.
It begins with the premise that what most marriage therapists teach is wrong (that better communication and learning communication techniques will save your relationship) and that the foundation of all good marriages is a strong friendship. "The key to reviving or divorce-proofing a relationship is not in how you handle disagreements but in how you are with each other when you're not fighting." This is because when the relationship is strong, it takes more to upset you and when you are upset, you are more likely to avoid some of the things he talks about in the book (harsh start ups, the four horsemen, resisting being influenced by each other).
The rest of the book discusses seven principles of healthy marriages and talks a lot about what works in conflicts and what doesn't. One is a soft start up. If the discussion starts with a harsh start up (one spouse attacking the other, etc.), then the disagreement will end on that same note. Women are more likely to use a harsh start up, partly because they are more likely to bring up problems that need resolving. Another is being influenced by your spouse. More often it is the man who has a hard time accepting influence and if the husband doesn't, it's a high probability of divorce unless he changes. The other big thing Gottman discusses is the four horsemen of marriage: criticism (attacking your spouse or their character rather than the situation; i.e. "you're such a slob" rather than "I'm really upset that you left your socks on the floor), contempt (often builds on top of criticism), defensiveness (studies show it rarely works but is often used when criticized by spouse), and then stonewalling (the last step, when one of the spouses is so overwhelmed by the negative feelings in the marriage that they just ignore or leave when problems arise). By the time the marriage makes it to the stonewalling stage, the marriage is generally already over for at least one partner.
For Love of Ivy by Susan Evans McCloud
This is a novel that my mother-in-law lent me (she loves Susan Evans McCloud). It was a wonderfully written novel about a newlywed couple who moved to Payson to begin the city and the hardships they went through. It was so relateable and heart wrenching and had a beautiful happy ending. I loved it.
Lectures on Faith
This book was short, but very dense and a little hard to get through. It was a very interesting read though. A few points that stuck out to me:
"... After any portion of the human family are made acquainted with the important fact that there is a God, who has created and does uphold all things, the extent of their knowledge respecting his character and glory will depend upon their diligence and faithfulness in seeking after him ..."
"A religion that does not require the sacrifice of all things never has power sufficient to produce the faith necessary unto life and salvation ... the faith necessary unto the enjoyment of life and salvation never could be obtained without the sacrifice of all earthly things.
And They Were Not Ashamed by Laura M. Brotherson
This is a book that I have been reading small parts of for a long time (I read it straight through probably two or more years ago now). It's a very thorough, straight forward book about intimacy in marriage from an LDS view and it's very well written, contains a lot of useful information, and has a very positive tone. The last section was especially helpful to me this time around as it covers how to teach your kids about their bodies, how babies are made, and intimacy. We have recently begun the basics (how babies are made, body parts, etc.) with Ashtyn.
The New Health Rules by Frank Lipman and Danielle Claro
This is a book I found at DI that I really liked how it looked and also liked the content. It has rules like, "Fill the kitchen with real food," and "Make water your default beverage." It helped remotivate me to eat healthy and reminded me of the importance of taking small changes that will last as you go through your health journey. I feel that is what Ben and I try to do--since we got married, we've tried to make smaller changes that last and do the most important things (like getting our water in) over some that we feel are harder but not as vital (like buying all organic). But we want to continue to get healthier as we progress through life and continue to make those changes.
Peaceful Parent, Happy Child by Laura Markham
This was a well-written book. It was very focused on attachment parenting, which isn't entirely my parenting style but I still felt there were a lot of ideas.
One of the main ideas is that if a child is misbehaving, it's because they need something emotionally. Focus on connecting with your child. I really liked the focus it had on the child's emotional needs. It's helped me, when Ashtyn or Parker are having a meltdown or being awnry, to look at what they need rather than getting emotional about the issue myself.
I also really liked it's view on punishment. While limits and following through on natural consequences of those limits is vital for a child's healthy development, punishments actually aren't. Things like time out, spanking, and other things meant to punish your child for past actions are actually counterproductive. Because kids act out when they're feeling their worst, trying to make them feel worse actually encourages them to act out more, not less. We've found this true with Ashtyn. We were big on time outs, but they never worked and were just miserable for everyone involved. It works better for us to work with Ashtyn, tell her what behavior we'd like to see, acknowledge behavior that we want to see, and let her know what consequences she might have (for example, if she chooses not to climb into her car seat herself, then she doesn't get to buckle herself in, I do). We haven't used time outs in a long while and I have seen her behavior improve as we've worked in other ways with her. I love it!
How to Save Money at Home: A Room-by-Room Guide to Cut Spending by Kim Parsell
This was a pretty useful book, with a lot of good ideas. I definitely think that if I tried to do what this lady does to save money, I'd run out of emotional steam really fast. I think she goes a little overboard (for example, turning off the water in the shower while lathering your shampoo). I did get some useful tips though and I like the mindset of trying to save money (and limit waste).
The Gift of Failure by Jessica Lahey
This is a parenting book about the benefits of letting your child feel the consequences of mistakes and taking responsibility for themselves. I thought the idea behind it was good, but I also felt a lot of it didn't apply to me because the author focused on school and especially middle school.
I did like the idea of trusting kids to live up to our expectations and that the more we trust them, the more they will feel our confidence in them (helping them become more self sufficient and confident in themselves).
Arcanum Unbounded by Brandon Sanderson
This has been out for a long time and Ben and I were going to listen to it together, but I wanted a fun book to read and gave up on us listening to it together and just bought the eBook. I loved it, of course (and I cannot wait for his next book now!).
The Art of Work by Jeff Goins
This wasn't a bad book, but it honestly a little boring for me. I picked it up because I wanted a break from parenting books, but I ended up reading a different parenting book in the middle and then coming back to it. The main idea was that your work shouldn't just be work, but you should find your calling.
How to Talk so Kids can Learn by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
I absolutely LOVED this book! It was based off the book How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk. It was a teacher/mom who had read the book and then wrote this book. It was full of examples and talked about how to apply it. I noticed that, once again, acknowledging feelings was the most important thing. I want to read the book it was based off of now.
This was a book I got for one of my classes back in college (my major was family studies) and I decided to actually read it now that I had some more marriage experience under my belt. It's really a good book.
It begins with the premise that what most marriage therapists teach is wrong (that better communication and learning communication techniques will save your relationship) and that the foundation of all good marriages is a strong friendship. "The key to reviving or divorce-proofing a relationship is not in how you handle disagreements but in how you are with each other when you're not fighting." This is because when the relationship is strong, it takes more to upset you and when you are upset, you are more likely to avoid some of the things he talks about in the book (harsh start ups, the four horsemen, resisting being influenced by each other).
The rest of the book discusses seven principles of healthy marriages and talks a lot about what works in conflicts and what doesn't. One is a soft start up. If the discussion starts with a harsh start up (one spouse attacking the other, etc.), then the disagreement will end on that same note. Women are more likely to use a harsh start up, partly because they are more likely to bring up problems that need resolving. Another is being influenced by your spouse. More often it is the man who has a hard time accepting influence and if the husband doesn't, it's a high probability of divorce unless he changes. The other big thing Gottman discusses is the four horsemen of marriage: criticism (attacking your spouse or their character rather than the situation; i.e. "you're such a slob" rather than "I'm really upset that you left your socks on the floor), contempt (often builds on top of criticism), defensiveness (studies show it rarely works but is often used when criticized by spouse), and then stonewalling (the last step, when one of the spouses is so overwhelmed by the negative feelings in the marriage that they just ignore or leave when problems arise). By the time the marriage makes it to the stonewalling stage, the marriage is generally already over for at least one partner.
For Love of Ivy by Susan Evans McCloud
This is a novel that my mother-in-law lent me (she loves Susan Evans McCloud). It was a wonderfully written novel about a newlywed couple who moved to Payson to begin the city and the hardships they went through. It was so relateable and heart wrenching and had a beautiful happy ending. I loved it.
Lectures on Faith
This book was short, but very dense and a little hard to get through. It was a very interesting read though. A few points that stuck out to me:
"... After any portion of the human family are made acquainted with the important fact that there is a God, who has created and does uphold all things, the extent of their knowledge respecting his character and glory will depend upon their diligence and faithfulness in seeking after him ..."
"A religion that does not require the sacrifice of all things never has power sufficient to produce the faith necessary unto life and salvation ... the faith necessary unto the enjoyment of life and salvation never could be obtained without the sacrifice of all earthly things.
And They Were Not Ashamed by Laura M. Brotherson
This is a book that I have been reading small parts of for a long time (I read it straight through probably two or more years ago now). It's a very thorough, straight forward book about intimacy in marriage from an LDS view and it's very well written, contains a lot of useful information, and has a very positive tone. The last section was especially helpful to me this time around as it covers how to teach your kids about their bodies, how babies are made, and intimacy. We have recently begun the basics (how babies are made, body parts, etc.) with Ashtyn.
The New Health Rules by Frank Lipman and Danielle Claro
This is a book I found at DI that I really liked how it looked and also liked the content. It has rules like, "Fill the kitchen with real food," and "Make water your default beverage." It helped remotivate me to eat healthy and reminded me of the importance of taking small changes that will last as you go through your health journey. I feel that is what Ben and I try to do--since we got married, we've tried to make smaller changes that last and do the most important things (like getting our water in) over some that we feel are harder but not as vital (like buying all organic). But we want to continue to get healthier as we progress through life and continue to make those changes.
Peaceful Parent, Happy Child by Laura Markham
This was a well-written book. It was very focused on attachment parenting, which isn't entirely my parenting style but I still felt there were a lot of ideas.
One of the main ideas is that if a child is misbehaving, it's because they need something emotionally. Focus on connecting with your child. I really liked the focus it had on the child's emotional needs. It's helped me, when Ashtyn or Parker are having a meltdown or being awnry, to look at what they need rather than getting emotional about the issue myself.
I also really liked it's view on punishment. While limits and following through on natural consequences of those limits is vital for a child's healthy development, punishments actually aren't. Things like time out, spanking, and other things meant to punish your child for past actions are actually counterproductive. Because kids act out when they're feeling their worst, trying to make them feel worse actually encourages them to act out more, not less. We've found this true with Ashtyn. We were big on time outs, but they never worked and were just miserable for everyone involved. It works better for us to work with Ashtyn, tell her what behavior we'd like to see, acknowledge behavior that we want to see, and let her know what consequences she might have (for example, if she chooses not to climb into her car seat herself, then she doesn't get to buckle herself in, I do). We haven't used time outs in a long while and I have seen her behavior improve as we've worked in other ways with her. I love it!
How to Save Money at Home: A Room-by-Room Guide to Cut Spending by Kim Parsell
This was a pretty useful book, with a lot of good ideas. I definitely think that if I tried to do what this lady does to save money, I'd run out of emotional steam really fast. I think she goes a little overboard (for example, turning off the water in the shower while lathering your shampoo). I did get some useful tips though and I like the mindset of trying to save money (and limit waste).
The Gift of Failure by Jessica Lahey
This is a parenting book about the benefits of letting your child feel the consequences of mistakes and taking responsibility for themselves. I thought the idea behind it was good, but I also felt a lot of it didn't apply to me because the author focused on school and especially middle school.
I did like the idea of trusting kids to live up to our expectations and that the more we trust them, the more they will feel our confidence in them (helping them become more self sufficient and confident in themselves).
Arcanum Unbounded by Brandon Sanderson
This has been out for a long time and Ben and I were going to listen to it together, but I wanted a fun book to read and gave up on us listening to it together and just bought the eBook. I loved it, of course (and I cannot wait for his next book now!).
The Art of Work by Jeff Goins
This wasn't a bad book, but it honestly a little boring for me. I picked it up because I wanted a break from parenting books, but I ended up reading a different parenting book in the middle and then coming back to it. The main idea was that your work shouldn't just be work, but you should find your calling.
How to Talk so Kids can Learn by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
I absolutely LOVED this book! It was based off the book How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk. It was a teacher/mom who had read the book and then wrote this book. It was full of examples and talked about how to apply it. I noticed that, once again, acknowledging feelings was the most important thing. I want to read the book it was based off of now.
Wednesday, August 2, 2017
Callings from God
I grew up in the church and I always have had a strong testimony. Church has generally been easy and enjoyable for me to attend and I've always liked my callings. In our new ward (and I've done posts on this in the past), my new calling as the primary teacher for the four year old's became a really hard thing for me.
At first, it wasn't too bad. I was pregnant with Parker and Ashtyn would go to nursery. After Parker was born, the other teacher taught for me for almost two months. Then it became harder for me and I developed a really bad attitude about it. I would say things like, "I don't understand why they call people with kids into primary," and talk all about why I was so picked on to have that calling right now. And, in all honesty, it was hard. It was a lot of work and we were often juggling kids to make sure we could both make it to our callings and I would come home exhausted.
After the women's conference in the spring, I realized that God had given me this calling for a reason and that I needed to change my attitude about it. I began to try doing that, but it was hard. I put more into my calling again, but I still didn't like it. I still struggled with my own feelings of resentment and I still dreaded church.
I began praying for help with it. Shortly after that, I found a book called "It's Okay Not to Share and Other Renegade Rules" by Heather Shumaker and it seriously changed my life. It's my favorite parenting book. It's changed the way I look at how Ashtyn behaves, it changed how I interact with the kids, and has made me more patient overall.
What I didn't expect, however, is how it would change my view of my calling. After I read the book, I went to church to teach (I was a team teacher, so I didn't teach every week). I saw the kids in a new light. I saw their wiggles and normal child behavior in a new light. I tried to incorporate many of the ideas that I'd learned in how I interacted and taught. I was able to talk with the mother of one particularly exuberant child and tell her honestly how much I loved him and how many good qualities he had and even talk with her about what I'd learned in the book. It was a total 360 for me.
The next few weeks, we were traveling and sick and had family things, so I didn't teach and when we got back in town, I was called in to talk with a member of the bishopric member. They released me and gave me a new calling (gospel doctrine teacher).
I know it seems normal and coincidental, but to me, I feel God's hand in this. I know God called me to something that would be really hard for me. But as He worked on me and through me, I felt His love for me and finally for those primary children. I know it is no coincidence that God waited until I was able to find that love for them to release me. And I will forever be grateful for that.
After the women's conference in the spring, I realized that God had given me this calling for a reason and that I needed to change my attitude about it. I began to try doing that, but it was hard. I put more into my calling again, but I still didn't like it. I still struggled with my own feelings of resentment and I still dreaded church.
I began praying for help with it. Shortly after that, I found a book called "It's Okay Not to Share and Other Renegade Rules" by Heather Shumaker and it seriously changed my life. It's my favorite parenting book. It's changed the way I look at how Ashtyn behaves, it changed how I interact with the kids, and has made me more patient overall.
What I didn't expect, however, is how it would change my view of my calling. After I read the book, I went to church to teach (I was a team teacher, so I didn't teach every week). I saw the kids in a new light. I saw their wiggles and normal child behavior in a new light. I tried to incorporate many of the ideas that I'd learned in how I interacted and taught. I was able to talk with the mother of one particularly exuberant child and tell her honestly how much I loved him and how many good qualities he had and even talk with her about what I'd learned in the book. It was a total 360 for me.
The next few weeks, we were traveling and sick and had family things, so I didn't teach and when we got back in town, I was called in to talk with a member of the bishopric member. They released me and gave me a new calling (gospel doctrine teacher).
I know it seems normal and coincidental, but to me, I feel God's hand in this. I know God called me to something that would be really hard for me. But as He worked on me and through me, I felt His love for me and finally for those primary children. I know it is no coincidence that God waited until I was able to find that love for them to release me. And I will forever be grateful for that.
Friday, July 7, 2017
June 2017 - Books I've Read
Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
I really liked the premise of this book--which was the importance of setting healthy boundaries in your life, but I honestly didn't like the actual book. I thought it was too long; they repeated themselves needlessly and added things in that are simply obvious (for example, they spent a few paragraphs in more than one place in the book on how our skin is a boundary, duh). It was also very Christian, and I felt they pushed that too much. Some of the time when they were referencing scriptures, it felt like a stretch, that they just wanted to reference more scriptures and it didn't actually back up or fit with what they were discussing.
That being said, I did think it had some good points and ideas. One idea that I saw throughout was to try to find a win-win solution. If somebody asks you to do something and you don't want to do it but say yes, that's lose-win. If you coerce somebody into doing something they don't want to because you can't take no for an answer, that's win-lose. Win-win is best for everyone, even if it's not always easiest.
Another thing that I have a problem with that I recognized from this book was that you shouldn't say yes now if you won't want to do it later. I do this often, where I say maybe or just don't do something because I didn't want to do it. Instead, I should tell whoever it is right from the get go and be honest about what I am able and want to do. An example is when we first moved into our current ward. There was a lady who wanted me to take a turn to set up a play group with the kids in our ward. Ashtyn wasn't even 18 months yet and I was heavily pregnant with Parker and I didn't want to do it. I came up with some excuses, she found some solutions to them, and I said yes. I still didn't want to do it, so I came up with more excuses, texted her, and told her I couldn't do it. I should have just said no in the first place. It was fine for me to say no and I didn't need an excuse to. However, it wasn't fair for me to say yes and then back out of my commitment.
Secrets of a Homeschool Mom by Jamie C. Martin
This book touched on the idea that we've been taught all our lives that education is complicated. It takes billions of dollars and a variety of experts and still can't be "fixed." But education isn't complicated. The simplest of educational methods are actually what work best for teaching kids--teaching them to think, teaching them to love learning, teaching them to become the kinds of adults that we want them to become. I love that idea.
It's more about the atmosphere you create--one of inspiration-- than the curriculum you're using to teach your children.
I love this quote:
"Few people fit within the confines of one singular type of learning. Through homeschooling, we piece together what we find and love, and create something new. We merge and blend to discover exactly what works for us."
An Unschooling Manifesto by Maria Taviano
I've been looking a lot more into unschooling because I agree with a lot of their ideals. Unschooling focuses on interest led learning, where the child gets to decide what and how they learn. It's very unstructured and believes the best learning happens in real life when the learner is passionate about the subject. I really believe all that as well, but I am not as unstructured as a true unschooler and I also am not going to let all of my children's learning be up to them. There are some things, like choosing readaloud books or initiating projects, that I will be in charge of sometimes. However, I do want to make sure (especially as my children are elementary age) that everything we do is something they are enjoying. That way they will learn to love learning, reading, and books.
This book was basically the journey of one unschooling mom and I really enjoyed it. Her book was well written, she knew what she was talking about, and she was able to articulate the benefits of unschooling very well. Reading it made me want to unschool, until I read their daily schedules :)
Some quotes:
"I don't want us scurrying around like headless chickens, trying to cram everything on earth into one short lifetime. Especially stuff that's not important." I love this because it touches on the idea that we simply cannot do or own or see or experience everything and neither can our children. We need to be intentional about what we put into our lives and the lives of our children.
"You've heard the saying, 'Is this beautiful or useful?' I think it can apply to things we do and learn." I think a lot of expectations for early education is all about what we think kids need to learn, but sometimes that's arbitrary. Besides basic math and reading (the building blocks for life and learning, most of which can be learned through everyday life and reading to your children), do they really need to learn about specific things or memorize facts? If they don't want to learn it now, they won't learn it and if they want/need to learn it later, they can learn it then (and be more motivated to learn it, meaning they'll not only learn it faster and less painfully, but also retain more of what they are learning). That is the number one thing I love about unschooling--the idea that when we are learning things we are passionate about and that relate to our real lives, we really learn them. We don't need to be forced or coerced into it. And if we wait until our children are truly ready to learn something, it will be a fantastic experience for both us and them and leave us both better for it.
Last quote, I promise. "Learn how to learn anything and then no matter what the world is like or what the job force requires a decade from now, you'll be able to adapt and learn it."
Unschooling Rules by Clark Aldrich
This book was highly recommended in the previous book, but I actually didn't like it. The author didn't seem to know what he was talking about and most of the time, didn't back up what he was saying. For instance, there was one part of the book where he said that playing video games gives children the same educational benefits as reading ............... which is not true. It's true that video games can be educational, but they are not the same as reading.
I've found that no matter how much I don't like a book, though, there's still a lot I can get out of it. Here are some of the "rules" he listed that I really connected with.
There are different kinds of learning--learning to know, learning to do (for instance, trade schools), and learning to be (who you are as a person, etc.). All are important at different times in our lives.
"People unschool to learn most of their knowledge during most of their lives" (for instance, if you run into a problem disciplining your child, you'll research about that problem specifically, not study textbooks on general knowledge).
"To learn something new, a student has to do something new and often be somewhere new."
"Unless what you learn is reinforced very soon, you will forget most of it anyway."
"Building is the opposite of consuming." When children are building something, it might look like artwork, writing in a journal, building a fort or dam, or cooking. When they are consuming, they might be reading or watching something. The idea is to let children build more often than they are consuming.
"By design, public schools rely on a motivational and management system in which there must be winners and there must be winners." This is because schools have an atmosphere of comparison, which fights against creating in students an abundance mentality and to look for win-win situations.
They Knew the Prophet by Hyrum L. Andrus and Helen Mae Andrus
This was the book I read before bed this month. It's a compilation of personal accounts from people who knew Joseph Smith and was a very interesting read. I definitely would recommend it.
I felt this quote summed up quite nicely what all the accounts had to say about Joseph Smith: "He boldly and bravely confronted the false traditions, superstitions, religious bigotry, and ignorance of the world--proved himself true to every heaven-revealed principle--true to his brethren and true to God, then sealed his testimony with his blood."
It's Okay NOT to Share by Heather Shumaker
This is my newest favorite parenting book. If you only read one book on parenting, I think this should be it. I LOVED this book.
The book is based off the idea that all children and all parents have rights and all of parenting (rules, discipline, handling conflicts between two kids) uphold those rights. The golden rule is if it's not hurting somebody (which includes feelings) or property, it's okay.
There's way too much in this book to cover it all and explain it right. It's a book you just have to read. It has really changed the way I view parenting though. I'm more patient, I try to give more control and responsibility to Ashtyn (or teach her in a way that will help her take responsibility later). It's changed the way I view my primary class and helped me actually enjoy my calling more. I really love the idea of figuring out all the individual problems that come up through the lens of my children's' rights. I also loved how much practical and specific advice based off those rights there was all throughout the book.
Mockingbird by Kathryn Erskine
This is a book that I've seen on a lot of book lists for elementary school kids, so when I saw it at DI, I bought it and decided to read it. I loved it! It's about an autistic girl whose brother is killed in a school shooting and how she, her father, and her entire community heal from that horrible experience. It's beautifully written, you fall in love with the characters, and you're able to follow the characters' growth and healing journey throughout the book. I literally read it in almost a day, I could hardly put it down to go to bed. Also, every time I saw it on a book list, it reminded me of To Kill a Mockingbird and that book/movie is actually a big part of this book, which I loved, because I LOVE To Kill a Mockingbird!
I really liked the premise of this book--which was the importance of setting healthy boundaries in your life, but I honestly didn't like the actual book. I thought it was too long; they repeated themselves needlessly and added things in that are simply obvious (for example, they spent a few paragraphs in more than one place in the book on how our skin is a boundary, duh). It was also very Christian, and I felt they pushed that too much. Some of the time when they were referencing scriptures, it felt like a stretch, that they just wanted to reference more scriptures and it didn't actually back up or fit with what they were discussing.
That being said, I did think it had some good points and ideas. One idea that I saw throughout was to try to find a win-win solution. If somebody asks you to do something and you don't want to do it but say yes, that's lose-win. If you coerce somebody into doing something they don't want to because you can't take no for an answer, that's win-lose. Win-win is best for everyone, even if it's not always easiest.
Another thing that I have a problem with that I recognized from this book was that you shouldn't say yes now if you won't want to do it later. I do this often, where I say maybe or just don't do something because I didn't want to do it. Instead, I should tell whoever it is right from the get go and be honest about what I am able and want to do. An example is when we first moved into our current ward. There was a lady who wanted me to take a turn to set up a play group with the kids in our ward. Ashtyn wasn't even 18 months yet and I was heavily pregnant with Parker and I didn't want to do it. I came up with some excuses, she found some solutions to them, and I said yes. I still didn't want to do it, so I came up with more excuses, texted her, and told her I couldn't do it. I should have just said no in the first place. It was fine for me to say no and I didn't need an excuse to. However, it wasn't fair for me to say yes and then back out of my commitment.
Secrets of a Homeschool Mom by Jamie C. Martin
This book touched on the idea that we've been taught all our lives that education is complicated. It takes billions of dollars and a variety of experts and still can't be "fixed." But education isn't complicated. The simplest of educational methods are actually what work best for teaching kids--teaching them to think, teaching them to love learning, teaching them to become the kinds of adults that we want them to become. I love that idea.
It's more about the atmosphere you create--one of inspiration-- than the curriculum you're using to teach your children.
I love this quote:
"Few people fit within the confines of one singular type of learning. Through homeschooling, we piece together what we find and love, and create something new. We merge and blend to discover exactly what works for us."
An Unschooling Manifesto by Maria Taviano
I've been looking a lot more into unschooling because I agree with a lot of their ideals. Unschooling focuses on interest led learning, where the child gets to decide what and how they learn. It's very unstructured and believes the best learning happens in real life when the learner is passionate about the subject. I really believe all that as well, but I am not as unstructured as a true unschooler and I also am not going to let all of my children's learning be up to them. There are some things, like choosing readaloud books or initiating projects, that I will be in charge of sometimes. However, I do want to make sure (especially as my children are elementary age) that everything we do is something they are enjoying. That way they will learn to love learning, reading, and books.
This book was basically the journey of one unschooling mom and I really enjoyed it. Her book was well written, she knew what she was talking about, and she was able to articulate the benefits of unschooling very well. Reading it made me want to unschool, until I read their daily schedules :)
Some quotes:
"I don't want us scurrying around like headless chickens, trying to cram everything on earth into one short lifetime. Especially stuff that's not important." I love this because it touches on the idea that we simply cannot do or own or see or experience everything and neither can our children. We need to be intentional about what we put into our lives and the lives of our children.
"You've heard the saying, 'Is this beautiful or useful?' I think it can apply to things we do and learn." I think a lot of expectations for early education is all about what we think kids need to learn, but sometimes that's arbitrary. Besides basic math and reading (the building blocks for life and learning, most of which can be learned through everyday life and reading to your children), do they really need to learn about specific things or memorize facts? If they don't want to learn it now, they won't learn it and if they want/need to learn it later, they can learn it then (and be more motivated to learn it, meaning they'll not only learn it faster and less painfully, but also retain more of what they are learning). That is the number one thing I love about unschooling--the idea that when we are learning things we are passionate about and that relate to our real lives, we really learn them. We don't need to be forced or coerced into it. And if we wait until our children are truly ready to learn something, it will be a fantastic experience for both us and them and leave us both better for it.
Last quote, I promise. "Learn how to learn anything and then no matter what the world is like or what the job force requires a decade from now, you'll be able to adapt and learn it."
Unschooling Rules by Clark Aldrich
This book was highly recommended in the previous book, but I actually didn't like it. The author didn't seem to know what he was talking about and most of the time, didn't back up what he was saying. For instance, there was one part of the book where he said that playing video games gives children the same educational benefits as reading ............... which is not true. It's true that video games can be educational, but they are not the same as reading.
I've found that no matter how much I don't like a book, though, there's still a lot I can get out of it. Here are some of the "rules" he listed that I really connected with.
There are different kinds of learning--learning to know, learning to do (for instance, trade schools), and learning to be (who you are as a person, etc.). All are important at different times in our lives.
"People unschool to learn most of their knowledge during most of their lives" (for instance, if you run into a problem disciplining your child, you'll research about that problem specifically, not study textbooks on general knowledge).
"To learn something new, a student has to do something new and often be somewhere new."
"Unless what you learn is reinforced very soon, you will forget most of it anyway."
"Building is the opposite of consuming." When children are building something, it might look like artwork, writing in a journal, building a fort or dam, or cooking. When they are consuming, they might be reading or watching something. The idea is to let children build more often than they are consuming.
"By design, public schools rely on a motivational and management system in which there must be winners and there must be winners." This is because schools have an atmosphere of comparison, which fights against creating in students an abundance mentality and to look for win-win situations.
They Knew the Prophet by Hyrum L. Andrus and Helen Mae Andrus
This was the book I read before bed this month. It's a compilation of personal accounts from people who knew Joseph Smith and was a very interesting read. I definitely would recommend it.
I felt this quote summed up quite nicely what all the accounts had to say about Joseph Smith: "He boldly and bravely confronted the false traditions, superstitions, religious bigotry, and ignorance of the world--proved himself true to every heaven-revealed principle--true to his brethren and true to God, then sealed his testimony with his blood."
It's Okay NOT to Share by Heather Shumaker
This is my newest favorite parenting book. If you only read one book on parenting, I think this should be it. I LOVED this book.
The book is based off the idea that all children and all parents have rights and all of parenting (rules, discipline, handling conflicts between two kids) uphold those rights. The golden rule is if it's not hurting somebody (which includes feelings) or property, it's okay.
There's way too much in this book to cover it all and explain it right. It's a book you just have to read. It has really changed the way I view parenting though. I'm more patient, I try to give more control and responsibility to Ashtyn (or teach her in a way that will help her take responsibility later). It's changed the way I view my primary class and helped me actually enjoy my calling more. I really love the idea of figuring out all the individual problems that come up through the lens of my children's' rights. I also loved how much practical and specific advice based off those rights there was all throughout the book.
Mockingbird by Kathryn Erskine
This is a book that I've seen on a lot of book lists for elementary school kids, so when I saw it at DI, I bought it and decided to read it. I loved it! It's about an autistic girl whose brother is killed in a school shooting and how she, her father, and her entire community heal from that horrible experience. It's beautifully written, you fall in love with the characters, and you're able to follow the characters' growth and healing journey throughout the book. I literally read it in almost a day, I could hardly put it down to go to bed. Also, every time I saw it on a book list, it reminded me of To Kill a Mockingbird and that book/movie is actually a big part of this book, which I loved, because I LOVE To Kill a Mockingbird!
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