Doggies in Heaven

Last night was a crazy night. Ben's cousins are in town and we had some miscommunication that resulted in me taking the kids home alone and getting them to bed late. I was feeling frustrated and the kids were both tired. By the time I was reading and singing to Ashtyn, my patience was worn and Ashtyn's behavior was showing that she felt it.

We read and were singing. I started singing "Mother, Tell Me a Story." She knows most of the lyrics and started singing along with me, but she was sort of crying while singing. I knew I didn't want to leave her like that, so I stopped singing and, inspired by the song I was singing to her, had her sit up and look at me.

"Ashtyn," I said, "did you know that you used to live in Heaven with Heavenly Father?"

She looked at me and her eyes grew wide. "Uh huh."

"And then he sent you to Mommy and Daddy. We're so lucky, aren't we?"

"Uh huh."

I talked with her some more about heaven and then I said, "And someday we will all get to go back to heaven and live with Heavenly Father again. You and me and Daddy and Parker!"

Her eyes got wide again and she went, "ah!"in an excited way. Then she said, "And the doggy will come!"

I laughed. "Do you think doggies will be there too?"

"Uh huh," she said, still excited. "The doggy will come!"

We sang a couple more songs, both much more relaxed and we were both happy when I put her in her crib. Stopping to talk like that was the best thing for both of us.

I am so grateful for the small moments like these that I have every day with both Ashtyn and Parker. I so blessed.

Mom and Dad, A Team

To put our kids down to bed, I put Ashtyn down at her nap time and Ben puts her down at night while I put Parker down. We started this when I was still feeding Parker to sleep. Now I feed her earlier and do a little routine with her (same as with Ashtyn). 

Last night, I finished with Parker just as Ashtyn was down getting her teeth brushed. I knew Ben was tired, so I offered to do Ashtyn's routine as well. He asked her who she wanted and she laughed, then said "momma" (no surprise there). 

I picked her up and snuggled her on the rocking chair and Ben came over for a little kiss. When he asked for the kiss, though, Ashtyn realized he was leaving and puckered right up. We asked if she wanted us both to stay and she instantly agreed. Ben sat on the floor in front of the chair while I read her books. 

Ashtyn thought this was the funniest thing. She kept looking at him and laughing her head off. This continued as we sang her a few songs. Then I wrapped her up in her blanket and picked her up to give her a kiss. Ben came around the other side and hugged from that way. 

Standing there, loving on our daughter, seeing her face as she looked up at her two parents, the importance of marriage and two parents (a mother AND a father) and family really hit home for me. The Proclamation to the Family has it so right and I've never felt that stronger than now that I'm a parent. 

Kody

I am feeling really sad today.

A few years ago, I was able to go on my stake's trek as an aunt. I was originally supposed to go as a ma, but circumstances changed and they needed me to fill a different role. I was really disappointed by this and hadn't really wanted to actually go any longer. On the bus out, I sat next to one of the kids in my family, Kody. He was seventeen and one of those kids that hadn't wanted to come to trek but was there anyways (because of parents or leaders or whatever). We started talking and during the rest of the trek, I tried to watch out for him. We really seemed to connect.

At the end of trek, he wrote me a note, telling me that he was really glad I'd gone on the trek. He told me he probably would have been a trouble maker and not gotten much out of trek if I hadn't gone. As it was, I'd helped him have a really good experience there. I was so happy.

I sort of tried to stay in touch with him after, but it didn't last long. I only had Facebook as a way of contacting him and most of the time when I'd message him, he wouldn't answer. I did see him a few times and I let him know that I was thinking of him.

Then about a month ago, he messaged me. He was wanting to talk, about the church and different things. He shared some of the hard things he had going on with his life and we would talk on Facebook sometimes. It wasn't very long ago that we talked.

Then today, as I was scrolling through Facebook, I saw that he died. I don't know details, but I have guesses from what I've seen on Facebook. The situation is really sad to me, because when we would talk, it seemed like he was trying really hard to get back on the right track again. I was actually thinking about things from General Conference to talk with him about earlier today. Now, I can't.

It's just so sad. He was so young. I wish I could have done more for him.

I honestly didn't know him for very long or very well. I felt like I knew him well, though; we just sort of clicked in an immediate way. I want to remember him, though. I want to remember how much it meant for us to go through our trek experience together. I want to remember that when he was trying to get his life on a better path, I was one of the people he reached out to. And I want to remember him and do more to reach out to those around me.

Because you never know when one of them will be a Kody, needing your help and your love.

Two Under Two is Hard

Yesterday we went back to church for the first time (okay, technically we did that last week, but we went to my mom's ward and when your mom is there to help, everything seems easier). It made me acutely aware that we have two children under two.

Luckily Parker will sleep in her car seat.
And luckily Ashtyn goes to nursery no problem now.
And luckily I had Ben there to help when needed.

But it was ... exhausting.

The rest of the day, Parker struggled with naps and Ashtyn's nap wasn't a spectacularly long one. Ashtyn was abounding with energy, Parker was fussy, and I was worn out. With traveling for a week, a family reunion, and not much sleep, I felt ready for a day off.

Getting Ashtyn ready for bed, I lost my patience. I snapped at her, which she brushed off with a laugh, and passed her off to her dad with some hard feelings. I fed and put Parker down, feeling guilty about Ashtyn. My patience has been too short with her of late.

I put Parker down, cleaned up the house a little, and had just finished making myself some food when Parker started crying. I was so tired and hungry, I just turned the baby monitor off. I planned to check on her, and calm her down, if she was still crying when I finished my food. With the monitor off, though, I couldn't hear her and forgot.

Ben said something about her going back to sleep, that letting her cry a bit had been good. That's when I remembered the monitor was off and found her still crying. She had spit up, soaking her clothes, and worked her way out of her swaddle. Feeling like a terrible parent, I changed her clothes, wrapped her up, calmed her down, and put her back. She went right to sleep, which made me feel even worse, because she probably would have done that earlier if I'd just checked on her.

I went downstairs and Ben gave me a long hug, letting me talk about how hard my day had been. We were able to go up to bed together and whisper until we fell asleep and I felt like a weight was taken off my shoulders. I feel so grateful to have a husband I can count on to help with the kids, support me emotionally, and be my best friend, even on the hardest days. I also feel especially grateful to my own mother, who went through the downs of parenthood without that sort of help there. I don't know how she did it, but I will be eternally grateful to her for pushing through.

Two under two is intense, crazy, busy, fun, exciting, and hard. You have days and nights full of tears (from both the kids and the parents), a house full of diapers and laundry and laughter, and a heart overflowing with love. I will always be grateful for my two under two (though if you ask me that at one this morning when I'm awake with the baby again--or still--I don't know what my answer will be! Just kidding!).

Life with Two

Having two kids is both as hard and as fun as I thought it would be, and then some.

Some days aren't too crazy. Those are usually the days when Parker sleeps well. Parker sometimes is a champion sleeper and other times, I can't get her to stay settled. She's still so young that I'm not too worried about that, but those days sure are harder on all of us. Luckily, they're far and few between so far.

Parker has been a great sleeper at night, overall. She's had a few rougher nights, but nothing like when Ashtyn was a newborn. Of course, she's still very young, so she could still have some rough times in the next few months, but so far we haven't had any of the cry-from-ten-to-one-in-the-morning-nights that Ashtyn gave us the first couple of months.

Ashtyn does still struggle with jealously sometimes, but overall, she does great. She absolutely loves Parker. Ashtyn always wants to hold her, kiss her, pick her up (I don't let her do this, but I have to watch close if they're both out on the ground), and pray for her. She'll come over when Parker is crying and say, "It's okay, sister." When Parker is sleeping, Ashtyn always wants to "get Parker," and if we don't, it often ends in a meltdown on Ashtyn's end.

One of the best parts of having two kids is watching Ashtyn mimic what I do with her toys. She loves to feed, burp, rock, and snuggle her toys and dolls. It makes me happy in a way I've never felt before to watch her be so nurturing.

Having to balance my time between two kids has actually made it easier for me to have more purpose in my time with Ashtyn. When Parker is sleeping in the morning, we spend at least a little time either outside or running errands (one of the perks of your husband working from home is the ability to leave the house while your kids are sleeping). We also have begun doing a little devotional and mini home schooling (although, sometimes this happens while Parker is awake). We focus on letters and counting, but I've also been trying to work on Ashtyn's fine motor skills with drawing/coloring and other craft activities. We also read whatever books Ashtyn wants and sing nursery rhymes. I love this time, because it gives me a chance to really connect with Ashtyn at the start of the day, when I'm the least tired.

The hardest part of the day for me is the early evening, especially if Ben is still working or can't be home. I get tired really early, with the middle of the night wake ups we still experience, and Parker is at her fussiest. This usually means Ashtyn is struggling, too, and it wears on me. I usually start off the day feeling like a super mom and ending the day not wanting to do it all again tomorrow.

It's definitely more exhausting to have a newborn and a toddler. Luckily, Parker sleeps better than Ashtyn did, so I don't feel as tired as I did with Ashtyn. I know it will probably get worse before it gets better, but things seem manageable right now, even if I'm tired.

Life is definitely crazier. It's hard to stay on top of things and, although we are getting back into a routine, our schedule is more hectic and more exhausting with a newborn. This phase is so hard for me. Newborns are so exhausting, as adorable as they are, and it really wears on me. It helps me, this time around, getting through it, because I know it gets easier and goes so quickly. I am doing my best, through the exhaustion and double tantrums, to remind myself of how much I'll miss this all when it's gone.

And you know what? It's working.

Ashtyn and Parker

Having a second baby brings floods of memories back from when Ashtyn was a newborn. In some ways, Parker is so much like Ashtyn (like, how she looks, I can't get over how similar they look). In other ways, though, they're already complete opposites. These are some of the ways that they're different as babies.

Parker hates having her diaper changed. She's getting more used to it, but especially the first week, she would scream until I picked her up after. Ashtyn was the opposite; a lot of times, when Ashtyn was crying, laying her down to change her diaper calmed her right down.

Parker loves being held. She sleeps best when held and can be settled quickly with a few snuggles. Ashtyn didn't mind being held the first few weeks, but she did great on the floor. The older she got, the more she loved being on her back to kick and squirm. She'd cry when you picked her up instead of setting her down.

Parker loves tummy time. I'll set her on her back and she can only handle that for a minute, but flip her over to her tummy and she's happy as can be (for as long as babies are happy in any one position). She loves it so much, she often tries to fall asleep, if I'm not watching her careful enough. Ashtyn did NOT love tummy time. She would often scream as soon as I would flip her over. We got to the point where we could manage a minute or two, but she really hated it until she gained more strength and control over her movements.

Parker rarely cries. This could be because she's still really young. But so far, she's more calm than Ashtyn was at the same age. She'll cry when she wants food or needs sleep, but I don't think she's cried for longer than it takes to change her diaper or latch her on. I remember even less than a week after bringing Ashtyn home walking her around and around the kitchen trying to calm her down. We have yet to have that moment with Parker.

I'm sure as they grow, I'll see even more differences and similarities and I'm really excited for that. It's fun to have more than one kid, even as it's hard. One of the most fun things already is seeing their individuality and how they interact together.

Parker's Birth Story

After Ashtyn was born, I said it was the hardest thing I'd ever done in my life. And it was. It still is. It was not a horror story, but I still came away from it sure that I would never do a natural birth again. It was so hard, but as time passed, the memory became less real and more of a blur.

Fast forward 20 months and here I was again, ready for another natural birth, but this time much more prepared. And this time, the difference was night and day.

My due date was June 3rd. On Tuesday morning (May 31st), I woke up at four am with a few sporadic, pretty intense contractions. It felt very similar to what I woke up to with Ashtyn, so I thought maybe it was labor. 

It wasn't. Turns out it was the baby dropping. Usually, babies come 7 to 10 days after dropping, so I was assuming that would be the timeline for our baby as well. 

That evening, I lost my mucous plug, but I didn't realize it. All I saw was a few drops of red blood, which isn't usually a good sign, and I called my midwife Donna. She had me lay down and take Vitamin K, which seemed to help. 

The next morning, Donna came for a scheduled appointment in the morning. Everything was looking and sounding good. We found the cord hanging high, meaning that the placenta was most likely above the baby as well. Donna scheduled another appointment, fully expecting my baby to come before then. 

She left to her other appointments and we went about our day, Ben working and me doing my normal get-things-done-while-Ashtyn-is-sleeping stuff. Then I noticed the blood was back and that there seemed to be more of it. I took a Vitamin K and laid down, hoping it would stop. 

An hour later, it hadn't, so I called Donna. I was catching her just as she was almost home, but she was very concerned, so she turned around and came back. She was worried that the placenta was actually under the baby and covering the cervix, which would mean an automatic transfer to the hospital for a c-section. That situation is called placenta previa and a c-section is the safest way (and often the only way) to ensure the baby's safe delivery. I was in tears, very stressed and not wanting to be in that situation, but Ben sat with me and we waited for Donna so we could know what the situation actually was and what our options were with it. 

Donna arrived and she did an internal exam to determine whether the placenta was there or not. She reached in and instead of finding the placenta, she found the baby's head! Oh, how happy we all were. Not only did she find the baby's head, but I was dilated to a four. I was in labor and I didn't even know it. I was having Braxton-hicks. They were a little more intense than normal, but they lasted ten seconds or less and came so randomly, I would go two hours without one and then have three in twenty minutes. I'd try timing them, but I was sure it wasn't labor. 

Donna had Ben put on a glove and feel the baby's head. While he was doing that (it probably took about five minutes), I progressed more and was dilated to about a six. I thought about what it took to get dilated to a six with Ashtyn and felt euphoric at the difference. 

Donna had her birth stuff in the trunk and felt I was progressing fast enough that she didn't dare leave. She called her assistants and Ben had a few last minute things to do to get ready for the birth (we needed a few prescriptions for the baby, Donna wanted me to drink soy milk to stimulate some real contractions, and we dropped Ashtyn off with Ben's mom).

While he was gone, Donna had me walk stairs, which very quickly brought on some contractions. This was about 3:45. They were between 20 and 30 seconds long, with 2 to 3 minutes between each one. The contractions were getting stronger, but weren't too bad. I was honestly so happy with how my labor was going so far (especially compared to last time) that the contractions felt like nothing to me. 

Around 4:30, my contractions were starting to get pretty intense. They were longer, more like a minute long, but still 3 to 5 minutes apart. I turned on Hypnobabies and laid on the bed, focusing on relaxing. It took a lot of concentration at this point to stay relaxed during the contractions. It was nice to have the space between them, it gave me a chance to focus. I felt better prepared with Hypnobabies and it really helped to think about what the contractions were doing--moving the baby down and opening my cervix. Concentrating on that really helped me relax my body. 

I lost track of time and let myself forget about the outside world. Donna checked me once more and I was dilated to an eight. The contractions were getting intense by this point, so I was really happy to know I'd already made it into transition (the hardest part of labor, where your body dilates from a 7 to a 10). 

They set up the place where I would do the pushing and moved me there, checking me again. I hadn't progressed tons since the last check, so they broke my water. The contractions were beginning to get closer together and at this point, they didn't go away entirely between each contraction. 

I lay on the end of the bed, holding Ben's hand, with him kneeling over me. While I held his hand and needed that support, I was able to relax enough that I didn't need them to squeeze every time a contraction came. 

I was definitely feeling done with it all and was going to ask Donna to check me again to see how close I was when I suddenly felt the urge to push. I never felt this with Ashtyn's birth; then, the midwives just told me I could push whenever and I was so tired of labor that I just started pushing. It was a weird, strong sensation. 

The pushing part was the only thing about this labor that felt harder than with Ashtyn's birth process. With Ashtyn, I just pushed. It was painful as she crowned, but I just let go. This led to tearing and much harder recovery period. This time around, pushing was so different. 

Donna held her hand at Parker's head, instructing me to push against her if I felt any pain or burning at all. They gave me so much support and Donna let me know what was going on the entire time. A contraction would come and I'd push. If I felt pain or burning, Donna would help me relax (while I squeezed poor Ben's hand harder than anything, because relaxing at this point was so hard). This let the baby's head work it's way out of my body without tearing the skin or damaging anything inside. 

I was getting discouraged, with how hard this part was, so Donna guided my hand down and let me feel the head. She told me I only had one or two contractions left and the baby would be out. The next contraction, the baby made it through. The sensation of the baby coming out (and I remember this with Ashtyn too) is the weirdest and most satisfying sensation I've ever felt in my life. 

We waited to find out the gender and I told Ben before labor began that it was his job to check. He teased me that he was going to tell me the wrong one, but I knew he was joking. As soon as she was out, Ben squeezed my hand gently and told me, "It's a girl," with a big grin on his face. I was so happy. 

It was still not easy, but once again, it was totally worth it. There is something so sweet and precious about newborns. I feel so grateful for my two babies and the joy they bring to our little family.