It's been really sad, getting on any social media or news site this weekend. Between the terrible death cause by a policeman to the riots that everyone and their dog is condoning, my heart is just sick.
The death is a tragedy. A murder. A terrible act committed. I am so sad that things like that can happen in the world. I understand why people are frustrated, angry, sad, and even scared.
And those emotions are okay.
What I don't understand and cannot justify is the rioting and burning others' property. That is never okay.
One of my favorite parenting books teaches a principle that is very applicable here: ALL feelings are okay. I repeat, ALL feelings are okay. NOT all actions are.
The rioting is sad to see, but the worst part of that for me is how many people feel it's "justified". How else are they supposed to get people's attention? How else can they make a change happen?
Well, I'll tell you, not this way.
This is counterproductive for what they are trying to achieve. They want less force from the police? This is going to cause more? They want better lives for minorities? They are literally looting and burning stores and restaurants that belong to minority members of their community.
And will this get the government's attention? Sure, in a very brute force way until the riots are squashed and then not only is it back to square one, it's back to square -3, because now the government is less likely to be open to listening or change, and also they are showing people that they actually act the way they say people are racist for believing they act.
And while I desperately hope and pray that no one else gets hurt--either during the actual riots or while people are trying to stop the riots--I do think that the government has a right to stop the riots by force.
Because, as that parenting book teaches, It's okay as long as it's not hurting PEOPLE or PROPERTY. Once it starts hurting someone or something, it's not okay anymore. NO MATTER THE REASON.
One person acting badly doesn't justify you to act badly in response.
People are saying things like, well what about the Boston Tea Party? Was that wrong?
Actually, yes. I'm grateful for my country and it's founding, and I know the founding fathers were led by God to give us a place we can worship freely, but there were mistakes made. On both sides. Including our side. And destroying other people's property is never okay.
Destroying people's property is never okay.
They have the right to protest. They have the right to work towards change. I would love to see systemic changes that help with the problems in our country, including that of racism (which is a very broad and generalized term here).
The thing is, most people believe that racism is bad. Most people agree we don't want it in our country. But all people favor those most like themselves--in any way, not just race, though most differences like religion, culture, world views, can be traced back eventually to race. It's built into us and we need to find ways to overcome that, each as an individual. The system we're in can help or hinder that, depending on how it's set up. But that's when it gets tricky, because it's a very complicated issue.
One that I think we need to be talking about.
But rioting and looting and burning cars and buildings? That's not going to help anyone.
Sunday, May 31, 2020
Sunday, May 24, 2020
Personal Boundaries in a Relationship
A topic that interests me is personal boundaries in a relationship. Setting the right boundaries and having them respected can make a big difference in how a person feels about their relationship (with anyone!) and not having those boundaries creates resentment and frustration.
One way to look at boundaries is talked about in Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, where Steven Covey talks about striving for win-win. There are basically four choices: win-win (where both people get what they want), win-lose or lose-win (where one person gives up what they want so the other person can get what they want), and lose-lose (where neither gets what they want).
You should be striving for win-win as often as possible, obviously. This isn't just easy, though. One thing that needs to happen to find win-win is you need to not take a lose. You need to say, this is what I want. You need to communicate, even if the situation is hard. You also have to know what the other person wants, which includes seeking to truly understand them and also respecting their personal boundaries.
This sounds great and all, and I thought it was the best thing ever. I could see moments where I was taking lose-win and it was causing resentment in some of my relationships. It wasn't a huge deal in the moment, but it built up to weaken my relationship with people.
So I'm going to use an example with Ben's brother and his wife. I don't do this to knock them or anything, especially since I don't think they did anything wrong. It was on me to make my needs known or set my boundaries.
There was a period after getting into their house where they were buying a lot of things like furniture off the local yard sale site. They would ask Ben to help and Ben would want to help because of the time he got to spend with Donovan while helping. I had a harder time with it. It was usually last minute (so they could get the item before someone else did) and it was usually at really bad times for me. It would be in the evening, leaving me to care for the kids alone without a car, or right at bedtime, so I'd be putting all three kids down without Ben's help. That's not the worst thing (though it IS hard when you have three kids that are really little), but it was doubly hard for me with my personality because I couldn't plan for it. And it seemed to be happening often.
What I needed to do was talk with them, and Ben, about it. I needed to lay down some ground rules and figure out if there were ways I could be willing to help them without feeling resentful of it. I did figure this out eventually, but it took me a lot of frustration and resentment to figure it out.
Then Christmas came around. One of my absolute favorite traditions is the nativity on Christmas Eve. I love that tradition and I've loved doing it with Ben and his family since we've gotten married. Donovan informed me a little bit before Christmas, very casually, that they wouldn't be doing it with us. I was really sad and honestly mad. Part of the reason I was mad was because of all the resentment that I had built up with taking lose-win too often.
I talked with them about it and they ended up not coming to the nativity. I was able to express my feelings, respect their boundaries, and work through my own feelings.
And that's when Ben and I talked about personal boundaries versus not taking lose-win. It IS important not to take lose-win, but there are times when win-win really isn't possible. When you and the other person want opposite things and you talk it over and still want opposite things, that's when personal boundaries come into place.
Jessica and Donovan got to decide how they wanted to spend their Christmas Eve. That is their right. Even if their choice makes me sad. I'm an adult and I get to work through that sadness, but I need to respect their choice. One way that I handled it was by expressing my feelings without trying to manipulate them into making the choice I wished they had made.
And really, would it be better for me if they were there, but resentful of being there?
Another example happened recently. I have been feeling ready to try for our fourth child. I want to so badly. Ben isn't ready yet. He was open to it, we talked a lot about it, and he wants to wait longer. This is really hard for me. I have a lot of emotions to work through because of it.
But Ben has a right to decide when he wants to have another child. And again, would I really want him to take a lose and be resentful every time I needed his help with this next child? NO! Of course not.
There are times when I want things to be a certain way and there's just no way to make that happen while also respecting others' personal boundaries. I wish this was a concept I had learned earlier, because I can think of multiple times when I coerced my friends into doing something they didn't want to (after they told me straight up they didn't want to), because I didn't respect their personal boundary. I am so grateful I can continue learning and doing better.
One way to look at boundaries is talked about in Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, where Steven Covey talks about striving for win-win. There are basically four choices: win-win (where both people get what they want), win-lose or lose-win (where one person gives up what they want so the other person can get what they want), and lose-lose (where neither gets what they want).
You should be striving for win-win as often as possible, obviously. This isn't just easy, though. One thing that needs to happen to find win-win is you need to not take a lose. You need to say, this is what I want. You need to communicate, even if the situation is hard. You also have to know what the other person wants, which includes seeking to truly understand them and also respecting their personal boundaries.
This sounds great and all, and I thought it was the best thing ever. I could see moments where I was taking lose-win and it was causing resentment in some of my relationships. It wasn't a huge deal in the moment, but it built up to weaken my relationship with people.
So I'm going to use an example with Ben's brother and his wife. I don't do this to knock them or anything, especially since I don't think they did anything wrong. It was on me to make my needs known or set my boundaries.
There was a period after getting into their house where they were buying a lot of things like furniture off the local yard sale site. They would ask Ben to help and Ben would want to help because of the time he got to spend with Donovan while helping. I had a harder time with it. It was usually last minute (so they could get the item before someone else did) and it was usually at really bad times for me. It would be in the evening, leaving me to care for the kids alone without a car, or right at bedtime, so I'd be putting all three kids down without Ben's help. That's not the worst thing (though it IS hard when you have three kids that are really little), but it was doubly hard for me with my personality because I couldn't plan for it. And it seemed to be happening often.
What I needed to do was talk with them, and Ben, about it. I needed to lay down some ground rules and figure out if there were ways I could be willing to help them without feeling resentful of it. I did figure this out eventually, but it took me a lot of frustration and resentment to figure it out.
Then Christmas came around. One of my absolute favorite traditions is the nativity on Christmas Eve. I love that tradition and I've loved doing it with Ben and his family since we've gotten married. Donovan informed me a little bit before Christmas, very casually, that they wouldn't be doing it with us. I was really sad and honestly mad. Part of the reason I was mad was because of all the resentment that I had built up with taking lose-win too often.
I talked with them about it and they ended up not coming to the nativity. I was able to express my feelings, respect their boundaries, and work through my own feelings.
And that's when Ben and I talked about personal boundaries versus not taking lose-win. It IS important not to take lose-win, but there are times when win-win really isn't possible. When you and the other person want opposite things and you talk it over and still want opposite things, that's when personal boundaries come into place.
Jessica and Donovan got to decide how they wanted to spend their Christmas Eve. That is their right. Even if their choice makes me sad. I'm an adult and I get to work through that sadness, but I need to respect their choice. One way that I handled it was by expressing my feelings without trying to manipulate them into making the choice I wished they had made.
And really, would it be better for me if they were there, but resentful of being there?
Another example happened recently. I have been feeling ready to try for our fourth child. I want to so badly. Ben isn't ready yet. He was open to it, we talked a lot about it, and he wants to wait longer. This is really hard for me. I have a lot of emotions to work through because of it.
But Ben has a right to decide when he wants to have another child. And again, would I really want him to take a lose and be resentful every time I needed his help with this next child? NO! Of course not.
There are times when I want things to be a certain way and there's just no way to make that happen while also respecting others' personal boundaries. I wish this was a concept I had learned earlier, because I can think of multiple times when I coerced my friends into doing something they didn't want to (after they told me straight up they didn't want to), because I didn't respect their personal boundary. I am so grateful I can continue learning and doing better.
Sunday, May 17, 2020
Systems over Goals
Awhile ago, Ben and I learned about the concept of systems. It's a very powerful idea.
The idea behind it is that motivation is fleeting. When you set a goal, even if you write it down and make it specific and all the things you're supposed to do with goal setting, you can't rely simply on motivation to help you reach it. Motivation doesn't last and there are going to be days when you don't want to work on your goal. That's where systems come in.
Systems make working on your goals automatic, if you set them up that way.
Systems help you to make progress even when you aren't feeling motivated.
Systems give you a way to work on your goals.
Here are examples of some goals Ben and I have and systems we put in place to help us reach them:
Goal: Read to the kids everyday.
We want to instill a love of reading into our kids and the best way to do that is to read to them everyday (besides all the other benefits that reading to them everyday has!). It's actually better to read to your kids for 5 minutes everyday than it is to read to them for 15 minutes three times a week.
System: Read before bedtime
Since Ashtyn was three months old, we have implemented a bedtime routine of reading a book and then singing a song to our kids before bedtime (and nap time). We try to read to our kids more than this. We read for homeschool. We read when they bring us a book and ask. Sometimes at bedtime we read more than one book. But this system ensures that no matter what happens, they get read to. If we are traveling, if we just had a baby, if we are all sick ... no matter how our schedule is messed up, our kids have to go to bed and before bed, we read them a book.
Goal: Daily scripture study as a family
We haven't always been the best at being consistent with this and we tried a few different systems that didn't work (such as reading scriptures before bedtime, which we were too tired to do consistently). Our current system isn't perfect, but it works better than others we've tried.
System: Get out the Come Follow Me manual as soon as dinner is over.
This works well for us because we have really small kids. I have a tendency to want to have things happen perfectly. Sometimes, our kids are engaged during scriptures and it all goes smoothly. Other times, Rylee is crying, Parker wants to play, and Ashtyn isn't interested. At those times, for my sanity and patience, we let it go at simply reading one scripture and being done.
The reason this system does't work perfectly is because there are times our dinner schedule gets put off. We might be trying to leave for Ben's parents' house as soon as dinner is done, or maybe Melissa and her kids are over for dinner (which is always pretty chaotic). There are times, especially during the summer, when we have to squeeze it in at bedtime after all. The system I use for this is having a reminder on my phone. That way, if we don't get cued in at dinner time, we'll be reminded to do it that day still.
Goal: Floss everyday
This is one that Ben and I were never really consistent with until we learned more about habits.
System: Track habit/Floss in the morning
Ben and I both have this habit, but we actually use different methods to keep it. Ben started using an app called Loop Habit Tracker. It reminds him everyday and keeps track of his streak. He flosses as soon as he brushes his teeth at night. Now that he's been doing it for so long, he automatically flosses when he brushes and doesn't even have to think about it.
I use a different system. Because I am a morning person, I get really tired sometimes at night. That means, some nights I have no problem doing things like dishes and flossing. Other nights, it's literally a struggle just to brush my teeth and get pajamas on before climbing into bed. So, I floss in the morning. This is super easy for me, since I brush my teeth then anyway, and I'm never tempted to skip because I feel too tired.
Goal: Keeping the kitchen clean
Ben and I both value a clean, clutter free house. We are higher in orderliness and messes stress us. The kitchen is the hardest room to keep clean because of it's constant use, but we have set up a system together of making it fairly easy to keep up on.
System: Clear out dishwasher in morning, start dishwasher at night
I am the morning person, so I clear out the dishwasher in the morning. I do this at the same time everyday, before I make myself breakfast. This allows for the girls to do their dishes as soon as they are done with breakfast and gives us a place to put the dirty dishes throughout the day.
Ben is the night person, so he loads any dishes that aren't already in the dishwasher and starts it. It can run while we're asleep and is then ready for me to clear it out in the morning. Ben does this at the same time everyday as well, as soon as we are done putting the girls down to bed.
If you're interested in habits and systems, a great book to read is Atomic Habits by James Clear.
Ben and I have found systems to be really helpful as we've worked to make our lives better. We are always looking for more ways to better in all the areas of our lives. It's so nice to have the tools to be way able to do that.
The idea behind it is that motivation is fleeting. When you set a goal, even if you write it down and make it specific and all the things you're supposed to do with goal setting, you can't rely simply on motivation to help you reach it. Motivation doesn't last and there are going to be days when you don't want to work on your goal. That's where systems come in.
Systems make working on your goals automatic, if you set them up that way.
Systems help you to make progress even when you aren't feeling motivated.
Systems give you a way to work on your goals.
Here are examples of some goals Ben and I have and systems we put in place to help us reach them:
Goal: Read to the kids everyday.
We want to instill a love of reading into our kids and the best way to do that is to read to them everyday (besides all the other benefits that reading to them everyday has!). It's actually better to read to your kids for 5 minutes everyday than it is to read to them for 15 minutes three times a week.
System: Read before bedtime
Since Ashtyn was three months old, we have implemented a bedtime routine of reading a book and then singing a song to our kids before bedtime (and nap time). We try to read to our kids more than this. We read for homeschool. We read when they bring us a book and ask. Sometimes at bedtime we read more than one book. But this system ensures that no matter what happens, they get read to. If we are traveling, if we just had a baby, if we are all sick ... no matter how our schedule is messed up, our kids have to go to bed and before bed, we read them a book.
Goal: Daily scripture study as a family
We haven't always been the best at being consistent with this and we tried a few different systems that didn't work (such as reading scriptures before bedtime, which we were too tired to do consistently). Our current system isn't perfect, but it works better than others we've tried.
System: Get out the Come Follow Me manual as soon as dinner is over.
This works well for us because we have really small kids. I have a tendency to want to have things happen perfectly. Sometimes, our kids are engaged during scriptures and it all goes smoothly. Other times, Rylee is crying, Parker wants to play, and Ashtyn isn't interested. At those times, for my sanity and patience, we let it go at simply reading one scripture and being done.
The reason this system does't work perfectly is because there are times our dinner schedule gets put off. We might be trying to leave for Ben's parents' house as soon as dinner is done, or maybe Melissa and her kids are over for dinner (which is always pretty chaotic). There are times, especially during the summer, when we have to squeeze it in at bedtime after all. The system I use for this is having a reminder on my phone. That way, if we don't get cued in at dinner time, we'll be reminded to do it that day still.
Goal: Floss everyday
This is one that Ben and I were never really consistent with until we learned more about habits.
System: Track habit/Floss in the morning
Ben and I both have this habit, but we actually use different methods to keep it. Ben started using an app called Loop Habit Tracker. It reminds him everyday and keeps track of his streak. He flosses as soon as he brushes his teeth at night. Now that he's been doing it for so long, he automatically flosses when he brushes and doesn't even have to think about it.
I use a different system. Because I am a morning person, I get really tired sometimes at night. That means, some nights I have no problem doing things like dishes and flossing. Other nights, it's literally a struggle just to brush my teeth and get pajamas on before climbing into bed. So, I floss in the morning. This is super easy for me, since I brush my teeth then anyway, and I'm never tempted to skip because I feel too tired.
Goal: Keeping the kitchen clean
Ben and I both value a clean, clutter free house. We are higher in orderliness and messes stress us. The kitchen is the hardest room to keep clean because of it's constant use, but we have set up a system together of making it fairly easy to keep up on.
System: Clear out dishwasher in morning, start dishwasher at night
I am the morning person, so I clear out the dishwasher in the morning. I do this at the same time everyday, before I make myself breakfast. This allows for the girls to do their dishes as soon as they are done with breakfast and gives us a place to put the dirty dishes throughout the day.
Ben is the night person, so he loads any dishes that aren't already in the dishwasher and starts it. It can run while we're asleep and is then ready for me to clear it out in the morning. Ben does this at the same time everyday as well, as soon as we are done putting the girls down to bed.
If you're interested in habits and systems, a great book to read is Atomic Habits by James Clear.
Ben and I have found systems to be really helpful as we've worked to make our lives better. We are always looking for more ways to better in all the areas of our lives. It's so nice to have the tools to be way able to do that.
Sunday, May 3, 2020
Books I Read - April 2020
April wasn't a fantastic reading month for me. I had a harder time finding books I was in the mood for. I did manage to read my minimum goal (10 books) and did have quite a few five star reads though.
1. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone by JK Rowling
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
I've been reading the illustrated edition of this aloud to the kids for awhile now and we finished it in April. I will always love Harry Potter and it was really fun to share it with Ashtyn. She was shocked by that plot twist at the end and wanted to give the book "one hundred stars". On a side note, she has a Goodreads account now where she reviews books after she reads them, you can follow her here if you want.
DNF: Undercover Princess by Connie Glynn
I got about a third of the way through, but was feeling very bored. I looked at reviews to see if it might get better, but from the reviews, I decided to leave it.
2. Creating Character Arcs by KM Weiland
⭐⭐⭐⭐
This was a well done book outlining the three different types of characters arcs and how to execute on them in your book. I found the sections on flat and negative character arcs the most helpful.
3. The Screwtape Letters by CS Lewis ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
I was in a bit of a reading slump, so I decided to turn to my reread for the month. This book is brilliant! It's funny, interesting, and so inspiring.
4. Caroline: Little House Revisited by Sarah Miller ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
This is an historical fiction, looking at the events of Little House on the Prairie from the perspective of Caroline (the mother). This was my favorite read of the month! I loved the way it portrayed motherhood and I was so inspired by the way Caroline faced each new challenge with faith and courage.
DNF: Uncommon Type by Tom Hanks
I got about halfway through this collection of short stories by reading one story a day, but I missed a couple days and had a hard time picking it up again. The stories themselves weren't boring exactly, they just weren't interesting to me either. There was also an excess of swearing and sexual references, which I didn't appreciate.
5. The Fantastic Four by Stan Lee and Jack Kirby ⭐⭐⭐⭐
I've been reading some different comic books this year and really enjoyed this one! It had a light hearted feel that I really appreciated. I loved how off the wall some of the stuff was. There were parts of the plot that felt contrived, but overall, I had a lot of fun reading this.
6. The Stars we Steal by Alexa Donne ⭐⭐⭐
I follow Alexa Donne on YouTube and love her channel. I enjoyed this Persuasion (by Jane Austen) retelling set in space, but did have some problems with it.
The world building was my favorite part. The space aspect was fun and I loved the political intrigue that was weaved throughout the plot.
I had a harder time with our main character. She was a very agreeable personality and often just let people have their way, even if she didn't really want to. That was annoying to read (though well written for a character like that). A lot of the tension in the book came from her lack of communication, which is a trope that I personally don't like.
The other thing that bothered me with the book came from the way it portrayed social injustice. It introduced a big social disparity--one section of society living it up while the other was literally starving to death. Our main character talked a big talk, about how unfair that was and how they needed to change that, but she never actually did anything at all to help anyone besides herself. The end of the book, we find her lounging with her friends in luxury and I had to wonder, what had ever happened to those poor, starving people? It made the whole plot line feel shallow and left me with a sour taste in my mouth in regards to the main character.
7. Hope in the Mail by Wendelin Van Draanen ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
This is the author of Flipped, one of my favorite books. I have read a couple other books by her and loved them as well. This, though, is my new favorite! It was her musings on writing and life, a nonfiction book that made me laugh, left me encouraged as a writer, and wanting to be a better person. Wendelin Van Draanen is a true inspiration to me!
8. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory by Roald Dahl ⭐⭐⭐⭐
This was another read aloud with the kids and they loved it. After each section highlighting what happens to each child, we would watch the Oompa Loompa song from the movie on YouTube, which the kids loved as well. This is a fun, off the wall read, perfect for children and adults alike.
9. An Echo of Things to Come by James Islington ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
This is the second in the Licanius series and I actually liked this one more than the first. I am very invested in the characters and plot and can't wait to finish the series. If you enjoy Brandon Sanderson, this series has a very similar feel (I would say slightly more violent and with slightly less mind blowing endings).
10. The Stolen Kingdom by Bethany Atazadeh ⭐⭐⭐⭐
I also follow Bethany on YouTube and love her channel. This Aladdin retelling with a unique twist on the Jinni magic was a fun read!
I really enjoyed the unique world building and the way that changed the plot. The plot was fast paced and I loved characters and their interactions together. My favorite character was Gideon, the Jinni we meet.
I did feel that there were parts of the plot that came out of nowhere for me, or felt a little awkward. I think they needed more/better foreshadowing. Despite that, I had a lot of fun reading this and can't wait to read the next book!
What did you read in April? What was your favorite read?
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