I watched a YouTube video that I just can't get over. It was a couple who were more than a million dollars in debt and didn't seem to care. A MILLION is a lot, right?? But they were so chill about it. And of course, they don't recommend you do what they do, but in their situation, for them, it was the best thing, they say. It blows my mind, the excuses and justifications they came up with for what they did.
They had a mortgage over 500,000 (they needed to be in that neighborhood so they're daughter could go to a specific school and there was no way for them to rent in that neighborhood), student loans over 400,000 (they are both lawyers), a 15,000 loan on their 401K so they could have a down payment on their house (because the housing market is so ridiculous, of course, not because they weren't patient), over 20,000 in loans for house repairs (I honestly think the house was the worst decision they could have made), 14,000 for a car loan (because they live in the suburbs, so they needed two cars, they tried using only one but they work in opposite directions with different schedules and they really tried to keep the cost down on the car, but they wanted it to be an investment--they don't know that cars are literally never an investment--because they'll probably send this car with their daughter to college), and top of it all, in the last year, $15,000 of credit card debt crept up on them because they didn't adjust their lifestyle to all the payments they now have, the $20,000 pay cut the wife took (so she could be with a company she liked more) right after they replaced all the windows in their house, and the new baby which costs a lot in childcare.
Now if I sound like I'm judging, it's because I am. Not so much because of how much debt they have, but because of their outlook on the debt. They literally think it's no big deal and they also don't have any plans to pay off their house or their student loans anytime soon (which are what make their debt almost a million dollars to begin with). They also say that they "needed" it all. It drives me crazy, as if going into debt wasn't a choice for them, it was the only option? What a total joke.
I want to take them and shake them and say, "WHAT IN THE WORLD IS WRONG WITH YOU?" Do they honestly not understand the risk, much less the opportunity cost of all the payments they make? Between the two of them, they must be making a lot. Imagine if they had that income but they didn't have any payments. Imagine what they could do, what they could give, how much less stress their lives and marriage would have, if they had no payments.
It's really hard for me to see other people doing finance different than Ben and I, because it's worked so well for us. We found Dave Ramsey July of 2014. I was pregnant with Ashtyn, we were both in school, Ben was moving from an $18,000 a year job to a $40,000 a year job. We had no money, $5,000 in student loans, and weren't budgeting.
When we started budgeting, that was the best thing for our finances. We suddenly were in charge of where our money went, instead of hoping we'd have enough money to make it to the next paycheck. It got us on the same page in our marriage and eliminated the friction over finances.
We went through Dave Ramsey's first three baby steps really quickly. His steps are 1) Get $1,000 in the bank, 2) Pay off all debts except house (we didn't have a house at the time, we only had the $5,000 in student loans), and 3) Build up a three to six month emergency fund. We started in August and by the end of January, we had our debt paid off and our emergency fund in the bank. We started saving for a house, but it was slow going.
We really wanted to buy a house. I was finished with school, we had a baby, I was tired of being in Orem where I was without a car while Ben was at work all day and without family close enough to visit very often. Ben would get home from work or school and work on his business part time and I had a brand new baby. It was lonely, it was hard, it was tiring. But we also knew that the plan we were on was the right path and that it wasn't going to last forever (even if sometimes it felt like it would). So we waited to buy a house and we kept plugging away at our plan.
May of 2015, our landlord's daughter got married and they let us know we would need to move so their daughter could have the apartment. I actually had known we would be moving soon (I didn't know why, I'd just had the impression. This happens to me often. I have a hard time with change, so God helps me prepare for it.) and was really excited for the move. We talked about a lot of different options and looked at a lot of different apartments, but we ultimately decided to take the leap of taking Ben's business full time and move to Vernal where it was cheaper to rent and where we could live with Ben's sister while his business started bringing in more money (at the time his business brought in about $1500 a month).
If we hadn't been out of debt, if we hadn't had so much in savings, we never would've made the leap. It would have been too risky. When we moved, we literally didn't have any payments. We had to buy diapers and food and that was about it. We knew it was the perfect time to try something like this, because we didn't have a house payment because we had waited to buy a house even though we really hadn't wanted to wait.
Now Ben works for himself, which is the best thing ever. I get to stay home with my kids and work on my blog without any pressure to make money off it, both of which I'll forever be grateful for. And we're getting ready to buy our first house. We had a lot of options when we were looking because we've been so patient. We've waited and sacrificed to save for years. Ben's income is pretty high, we have over $100,000 to put as a down payment, and we decided to buy a house in Vernal (where the market is a lot cheaper but where we're still really happy). We are building a house that we know we'll love, in a location we love, and we also know that we'll be able to pay it off incredibly fast.
Our dream is having no payments, including a house payment, so that we can do incredible things with our money, like travel a lot and be outrageously generous.
It's hard, because of how many blessings we've seen following Dave Ramsey's plan, to see people we care about do things differently but I also see them be happy while making some decisions we wouldn't. I'm working on trying to see how their decision are best for their families and not see their decisions as bad decisions simply because it's different than what I would do. It helps to remember that while Ben and I wouldn't do it, the people we love make overall good financial decisions and are responsible with their money.
This video, though, is different to me because it's so extreme. And their view on money drives me crazy. Maybe I'm just crazy. Maybe a million dollars in debt will become the new normal and maybe they actually are happy, with no financial tensions affecting their lives and marriage. Maybe.
All I know is what I would do if I woke up in their shoes. First, I would sell the house and rent while I got out of the mess I'd made. I'd pay off the 401K loan immediately. I'd keep $1000 in the bank and then begin the debt snowball. I'd list my debts lowest to highest and begin throwing any equity in the house and any savings (I think they have a bunch of savings) and then pay it off as fast as possible. It would leave probably $500,000 in debt, but because of their savings and how high their incomes are, they could probably pay it off really fast if they got intense. It wouldn't be the most fun few years of their lives, but the payoff would be worth it. Then I'd pile up as much cash for a down payment as I could and then buy a house and pay it off as fast as I could. That's what I would do.
But I'm not them. I can't do that for them and I can't make them follow a plan like that. They obviously don't have the same views on money as I do right now. All I can do is follow my own financial plan in my life and not worry about theirs.
Sunday, August 6, 2017
Thursday, August 3, 2017
July 2017 - Books I've Read
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman
This was a book I got for one of my classes back in college (my major was family studies) and I decided to actually read it now that I had some more marriage experience under my belt. It's really a good book.
It begins with the premise that what most marriage therapists teach is wrong (that better communication and learning communication techniques will save your relationship) and that the foundation of all good marriages is a strong friendship. "The key to reviving or divorce-proofing a relationship is not in how you handle disagreements but in how you are with each other when you're not fighting." This is because when the relationship is strong, it takes more to upset you and when you are upset, you are more likely to avoid some of the things he talks about in the book (harsh start ups, the four horsemen, resisting being influenced by each other).
The rest of the book discusses seven principles of healthy marriages and talks a lot about what works in conflicts and what doesn't. One is a soft start up. If the discussion starts with a harsh start up (one spouse attacking the other, etc.), then the disagreement will end on that same note. Women are more likely to use a harsh start up, partly because they are more likely to bring up problems that need resolving. Another is being influenced by your spouse. More often it is the man who has a hard time accepting influence and if the husband doesn't, it's a high probability of divorce unless he changes. The other big thing Gottman discusses is the four horsemen of marriage: criticism (attacking your spouse or their character rather than the situation; i.e. "you're such a slob" rather than "I'm really upset that you left your socks on the floor), contempt (often builds on top of criticism), defensiveness (studies show it rarely works but is often used when criticized by spouse), and then stonewalling (the last step, when one of the spouses is so overwhelmed by the negative feelings in the marriage that they just ignore or leave when problems arise). By the time the marriage makes it to the stonewalling stage, the marriage is generally already over for at least one partner.
For Love of Ivy by Susan Evans McCloud
This is a novel that my mother-in-law lent me (she loves Susan Evans McCloud). It was a wonderfully written novel about a newlywed couple who moved to Payson to begin the city and the hardships they went through. It was so relateable and heart wrenching and had a beautiful happy ending. I loved it.
Lectures on Faith
This book was short, but very dense and a little hard to get through. It was a very interesting read though. A few points that stuck out to me:
"... After any portion of the human family are made acquainted with the important fact that there is a God, who has created and does uphold all things, the extent of their knowledge respecting his character and glory will depend upon their diligence and faithfulness in seeking after him ..."
"A religion that does not require the sacrifice of all things never has power sufficient to produce the faith necessary unto life and salvation ... the faith necessary unto the enjoyment of life and salvation never could be obtained without the sacrifice of all earthly things.
And They Were Not Ashamed by Laura M. Brotherson
This is a book that I have been reading small parts of for a long time (I read it straight through probably two or more years ago now). It's a very thorough, straight forward book about intimacy in marriage from an LDS view and it's very well written, contains a lot of useful information, and has a very positive tone. The last section was especially helpful to me this time around as it covers how to teach your kids about their bodies, how babies are made, and intimacy. We have recently begun the basics (how babies are made, body parts, etc.) with Ashtyn.
The New Health Rules by Frank Lipman and Danielle Claro
This is a book I found at DI that I really liked how it looked and also liked the content. It has rules like, "Fill the kitchen with real food," and "Make water your default beverage." It helped remotivate me to eat healthy and reminded me of the importance of taking small changes that will last as you go through your health journey. I feel that is what Ben and I try to do--since we got married, we've tried to make smaller changes that last and do the most important things (like getting our water in) over some that we feel are harder but not as vital (like buying all organic). But we want to continue to get healthier as we progress through life and continue to make those changes.
Peaceful Parent, Happy Child by Laura Markham
This was a well-written book. It was very focused on attachment parenting, which isn't entirely my parenting style but I still felt there were a lot of ideas.
One of the main ideas is that if a child is misbehaving, it's because they need something emotionally. Focus on connecting with your child. I really liked the focus it had on the child's emotional needs. It's helped me, when Ashtyn or Parker are having a meltdown or being awnry, to look at what they need rather than getting emotional about the issue myself.
I also really liked it's view on punishment. While limits and following through on natural consequences of those limits is vital for a child's healthy development, punishments actually aren't. Things like time out, spanking, and other things meant to punish your child for past actions are actually counterproductive. Because kids act out when they're feeling their worst, trying to make them feel worse actually encourages them to act out more, not less. We've found this true with Ashtyn. We were big on time outs, but they never worked and were just miserable for everyone involved. It works better for us to work with Ashtyn, tell her what behavior we'd like to see, acknowledge behavior that we want to see, and let her know what consequences she might have (for example, if she chooses not to climb into her car seat herself, then she doesn't get to buckle herself in, I do). We haven't used time outs in a long while and I have seen her behavior improve as we've worked in other ways with her. I love it!
How to Save Money at Home: A Room-by-Room Guide to Cut Spending by Kim Parsell
This was a pretty useful book, with a lot of good ideas. I definitely think that if I tried to do what this lady does to save money, I'd run out of emotional steam really fast. I think she goes a little overboard (for example, turning off the water in the shower while lathering your shampoo). I did get some useful tips though and I like the mindset of trying to save money (and limit waste).
The Gift of Failure by Jessica Lahey
This is a parenting book about the benefits of letting your child feel the consequences of mistakes and taking responsibility for themselves. I thought the idea behind it was good, but I also felt a lot of it didn't apply to me because the author focused on school and especially middle school.
I did like the idea of trusting kids to live up to our expectations and that the more we trust them, the more they will feel our confidence in them (helping them become more self sufficient and confident in themselves).
Arcanum Unbounded by Brandon Sanderson
This has been out for a long time and Ben and I were going to listen to it together, but I wanted a fun book to read and gave up on us listening to it together and just bought the eBook. I loved it, of course (and I cannot wait for his next book now!).
The Art of Work by Jeff Goins
This wasn't a bad book, but it honestly a little boring for me. I picked it up because I wanted a break from parenting books, but I ended up reading a different parenting book in the middle and then coming back to it. The main idea was that your work shouldn't just be work, but you should find your calling.
How to Talk so Kids can Learn by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
I absolutely LOVED this book! It was based off the book How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk. It was a teacher/mom who had read the book and then wrote this book. It was full of examples and talked about how to apply it. I noticed that, once again, acknowledging feelings was the most important thing. I want to read the book it was based off of now.
This was a book I got for one of my classes back in college (my major was family studies) and I decided to actually read it now that I had some more marriage experience under my belt. It's really a good book.
It begins with the premise that what most marriage therapists teach is wrong (that better communication and learning communication techniques will save your relationship) and that the foundation of all good marriages is a strong friendship. "The key to reviving or divorce-proofing a relationship is not in how you handle disagreements but in how you are with each other when you're not fighting." This is because when the relationship is strong, it takes more to upset you and when you are upset, you are more likely to avoid some of the things he talks about in the book (harsh start ups, the four horsemen, resisting being influenced by each other).
The rest of the book discusses seven principles of healthy marriages and talks a lot about what works in conflicts and what doesn't. One is a soft start up. If the discussion starts with a harsh start up (one spouse attacking the other, etc.), then the disagreement will end on that same note. Women are more likely to use a harsh start up, partly because they are more likely to bring up problems that need resolving. Another is being influenced by your spouse. More often it is the man who has a hard time accepting influence and if the husband doesn't, it's a high probability of divorce unless he changes. The other big thing Gottman discusses is the four horsemen of marriage: criticism (attacking your spouse or their character rather than the situation; i.e. "you're such a slob" rather than "I'm really upset that you left your socks on the floor), contempt (often builds on top of criticism), defensiveness (studies show it rarely works but is often used when criticized by spouse), and then stonewalling (the last step, when one of the spouses is so overwhelmed by the negative feelings in the marriage that they just ignore or leave when problems arise). By the time the marriage makes it to the stonewalling stage, the marriage is generally already over for at least one partner.
For Love of Ivy by Susan Evans McCloud
This is a novel that my mother-in-law lent me (she loves Susan Evans McCloud). It was a wonderfully written novel about a newlywed couple who moved to Payson to begin the city and the hardships they went through. It was so relateable and heart wrenching and had a beautiful happy ending. I loved it.
Lectures on Faith
This book was short, but very dense and a little hard to get through. It was a very interesting read though. A few points that stuck out to me:
"... After any portion of the human family are made acquainted with the important fact that there is a God, who has created and does uphold all things, the extent of their knowledge respecting his character and glory will depend upon their diligence and faithfulness in seeking after him ..."
"A religion that does not require the sacrifice of all things never has power sufficient to produce the faith necessary unto life and salvation ... the faith necessary unto the enjoyment of life and salvation never could be obtained without the sacrifice of all earthly things.
And They Were Not Ashamed by Laura M. Brotherson
This is a book that I have been reading small parts of for a long time (I read it straight through probably two or more years ago now). It's a very thorough, straight forward book about intimacy in marriage from an LDS view and it's very well written, contains a lot of useful information, and has a very positive tone. The last section was especially helpful to me this time around as it covers how to teach your kids about their bodies, how babies are made, and intimacy. We have recently begun the basics (how babies are made, body parts, etc.) with Ashtyn.
The New Health Rules by Frank Lipman and Danielle Claro
This is a book I found at DI that I really liked how it looked and also liked the content. It has rules like, "Fill the kitchen with real food," and "Make water your default beverage." It helped remotivate me to eat healthy and reminded me of the importance of taking small changes that will last as you go through your health journey. I feel that is what Ben and I try to do--since we got married, we've tried to make smaller changes that last and do the most important things (like getting our water in) over some that we feel are harder but not as vital (like buying all organic). But we want to continue to get healthier as we progress through life and continue to make those changes.
Peaceful Parent, Happy Child by Laura Markham
This was a well-written book. It was very focused on attachment parenting, which isn't entirely my parenting style but I still felt there were a lot of ideas.
One of the main ideas is that if a child is misbehaving, it's because they need something emotionally. Focus on connecting with your child. I really liked the focus it had on the child's emotional needs. It's helped me, when Ashtyn or Parker are having a meltdown or being awnry, to look at what they need rather than getting emotional about the issue myself.
I also really liked it's view on punishment. While limits and following through on natural consequences of those limits is vital for a child's healthy development, punishments actually aren't. Things like time out, spanking, and other things meant to punish your child for past actions are actually counterproductive. Because kids act out when they're feeling their worst, trying to make them feel worse actually encourages them to act out more, not less. We've found this true with Ashtyn. We were big on time outs, but they never worked and were just miserable for everyone involved. It works better for us to work with Ashtyn, tell her what behavior we'd like to see, acknowledge behavior that we want to see, and let her know what consequences she might have (for example, if she chooses not to climb into her car seat herself, then she doesn't get to buckle herself in, I do). We haven't used time outs in a long while and I have seen her behavior improve as we've worked in other ways with her. I love it!
How to Save Money at Home: A Room-by-Room Guide to Cut Spending by Kim Parsell
This was a pretty useful book, with a lot of good ideas. I definitely think that if I tried to do what this lady does to save money, I'd run out of emotional steam really fast. I think she goes a little overboard (for example, turning off the water in the shower while lathering your shampoo). I did get some useful tips though and I like the mindset of trying to save money (and limit waste).
The Gift of Failure by Jessica Lahey
This is a parenting book about the benefits of letting your child feel the consequences of mistakes and taking responsibility for themselves. I thought the idea behind it was good, but I also felt a lot of it didn't apply to me because the author focused on school and especially middle school.
I did like the idea of trusting kids to live up to our expectations and that the more we trust them, the more they will feel our confidence in them (helping them become more self sufficient and confident in themselves).
Arcanum Unbounded by Brandon Sanderson
This has been out for a long time and Ben and I were going to listen to it together, but I wanted a fun book to read and gave up on us listening to it together and just bought the eBook. I loved it, of course (and I cannot wait for his next book now!).
The Art of Work by Jeff Goins
This wasn't a bad book, but it honestly a little boring for me. I picked it up because I wanted a break from parenting books, but I ended up reading a different parenting book in the middle and then coming back to it. The main idea was that your work shouldn't just be work, but you should find your calling.
How to Talk so Kids can Learn by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
I absolutely LOVED this book! It was based off the book How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk. It was a teacher/mom who had read the book and then wrote this book. It was full of examples and talked about how to apply it. I noticed that, once again, acknowledging feelings was the most important thing. I want to read the book it was based off of now.
Wednesday, August 2, 2017
Callings from God
I grew up in the church and I always have had a strong testimony. Church has generally been easy and enjoyable for me to attend and I've always liked my callings. In our new ward (and I've done posts on this in the past), my new calling as the primary teacher for the four year old's became a really hard thing for me.
At first, it wasn't too bad. I was pregnant with Parker and Ashtyn would go to nursery. After Parker was born, the other teacher taught for me for almost two months. Then it became harder for me and I developed a really bad attitude about it. I would say things like, "I don't understand why they call people with kids into primary," and talk all about why I was so picked on to have that calling right now. And, in all honesty, it was hard. It was a lot of work and we were often juggling kids to make sure we could both make it to our callings and I would come home exhausted.
After the women's conference in the spring, I realized that God had given me this calling for a reason and that I needed to change my attitude about it. I began to try doing that, but it was hard. I put more into my calling again, but I still didn't like it. I still struggled with my own feelings of resentment and I still dreaded church.
I began praying for help with it. Shortly after that, I found a book called "It's Okay Not to Share and Other Renegade Rules" by Heather Shumaker and it seriously changed my life. It's my favorite parenting book. It's changed the way I look at how Ashtyn behaves, it changed how I interact with the kids, and has made me more patient overall.
What I didn't expect, however, is how it would change my view of my calling. After I read the book, I went to church to teach (I was a team teacher, so I didn't teach every week). I saw the kids in a new light. I saw their wiggles and normal child behavior in a new light. I tried to incorporate many of the ideas that I'd learned in how I interacted and taught. I was able to talk with the mother of one particularly exuberant child and tell her honestly how much I loved him and how many good qualities he had and even talk with her about what I'd learned in the book. It was a total 360 for me.
The next few weeks, we were traveling and sick and had family things, so I didn't teach and when we got back in town, I was called in to talk with a member of the bishopric member. They released me and gave me a new calling (gospel doctrine teacher).
I know it seems normal and coincidental, but to me, I feel God's hand in this. I know God called me to something that would be really hard for me. But as He worked on me and through me, I felt His love for me and finally for those primary children. I know it is no coincidence that God waited until I was able to find that love for them to release me. And I will forever be grateful for that.
After the women's conference in the spring, I realized that God had given me this calling for a reason and that I needed to change my attitude about it. I began to try doing that, but it was hard. I put more into my calling again, but I still didn't like it. I still struggled with my own feelings of resentment and I still dreaded church.
I began praying for help with it. Shortly after that, I found a book called "It's Okay Not to Share and Other Renegade Rules" by Heather Shumaker and it seriously changed my life. It's my favorite parenting book. It's changed the way I look at how Ashtyn behaves, it changed how I interact with the kids, and has made me more patient overall.
What I didn't expect, however, is how it would change my view of my calling. After I read the book, I went to church to teach (I was a team teacher, so I didn't teach every week). I saw the kids in a new light. I saw their wiggles and normal child behavior in a new light. I tried to incorporate many of the ideas that I'd learned in how I interacted and taught. I was able to talk with the mother of one particularly exuberant child and tell her honestly how much I loved him and how many good qualities he had and even talk with her about what I'd learned in the book. It was a total 360 for me.
The next few weeks, we were traveling and sick and had family things, so I didn't teach and when we got back in town, I was called in to talk with a member of the bishopric member. They released me and gave me a new calling (gospel doctrine teacher).
I know it seems normal and coincidental, but to me, I feel God's hand in this. I know God called me to something that would be really hard for me. But as He worked on me and through me, I felt His love for me and finally for those primary children. I know it is no coincidence that God waited until I was able to find that love for them to release me. And I will forever be grateful for that.
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