The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman
This was a book I got for one of my classes back in college (my major was family studies) and I decided to actually read it now that I had some more marriage experience under my belt. It's really a good book.
It begins with the premise that what most marriage therapists teach is wrong (that better communication and learning communication techniques will save your relationship) and that the foundation of all good marriages is a strong friendship. "The key to reviving or divorce-proofing a relationship is not in how you handle disagreements but in how you are with each other when you're not fighting." This is because when the relationship is strong, it takes more to upset you and when you are upset, you are more likely to avoid some of the things he talks about in the book (harsh start ups, the four horsemen, resisting being influenced by each other).
The rest of the book discusses seven principles of healthy marriages and talks a lot about what works in conflicts and what doesn't. One is a soft start up. If the discussion starts with a harsh start up (one spouse attacking the other, etc.), then the disagreement will end on that same note. Women are more likely to use a harsh start up, partly because they are more likely to bring up problems that need resolving. Another is being influenced by your spouse. More often it is the man who has a hard time accepting influence and if the husband doesn't, it's a high probability of divorce unless he changes. The other big thing Gottman discusses is the four horsemen of marriage: criticism (attacking your spouse or their character rather than the situation; i.e. "you're such a slob" rather than "I'm really upset that you left your socks on the floor), contempt (often builds on top of criticism), defensiveness (studies show it rarely works but is often used when criticized by spouse), and then stonewalling (the last step, when one of the spouses is so overwhelmed by the negative feelings in the marriage that they just ignore or leave when problems arise). By the time the marriage makes it to the stonewalling stage, the marriage is generally already over for at least one partner.
For Love of Ivy by Susan Evans McCloud
This is a novel that my mother-in-law lent me (she loves Susan Evans McCloud). It was a wonderfully written novel about a newlywed couple who moved to Payson to begin the city and the hardships they went through. It was so relateable and heart wrenching and had a beautiful happy ending. I loved it.
Lectures on Faith
This book was short, but very dense and a little hard to get through. It was a very interesting read though. A few points that stuck out to me:
"... After any portion of the human family are made acquainted with the important fact that there is a God, who has created and does uphold all things, the extent of their knowledge respecting his character and glory will depend upon their diligence and faithfulness in seeking after him ..."
"A religion that does not require the sacrifice of all things never has power sufficient to produce the faith necessary unto life and salvation ... the faith necessary unto the enjoyment of life and salvation never could be obtained without the sacrifice of all earthly things.
And They Were Not Ashamed by Laura M. Brotherson
This is a book that I have been reading small parts of for a long time (I read it straight through probably two or more years ago now). It's a very thorough, straight forward book about intimacy in marriage from an LDS view and it's very well written, contains a lot of useful information, and has a very positive tone. The last section was especially helpful to me this time around as it covers how to teach your kids about their bodies, how babies are made, and intimacy. We have recently begun the basics (how babies are made, body parts, etc.) with Ashtyn.
The New Health Rules by Frank Lipman and Danielle Claro
This is a book I found at DI that I really liked how it looked and also liked the content. It has rules like, "Fill the kitchen with real food," and "Make water your default beverage." It helped remotivate me to eat healthy and reminded me of the importance of taking small changes that will last as you go through your health journey. I feel that is what Ben and I try to do--since we got married, we've tried to make smaller changes that last and do the most important things (like getting our water in) over some that we feel are harder but not as vital (like buying all organic). But we want to continue to get healthier as we progress through life and continue to make those changes.
Peaceful Parent, Happy Child by Laura Markham
This was a well-written book. It was very focused on attachment parenting, which isn't entirely my parenting style but I still felt there were a lot of ideas.
One of the main ideas is that if a child is misbehaving, it's because they need something emotionally. Focus on connecting with your child. I really liked the focus it had on the child's emotional needs. It's helped me, when Ashtyn or Parker are having a meltdown or being awnry, to look at what they need rather than getting emotional about the issue myself.
I also really liked it's view on punishment. While limits and following through on natural consequences of those limits is vital for a child's healthy development, punishments actually aren't. Things like time out, spanking, and other things meant to punish your child for past actions are actually counterproductive. Because kids act out when they're feeling their worst, trying to make them feel worse actually encourages them to act out more, not less. We've found this true with Ashtyn. We were big on time outs, but they never worked and were just miserable for everyone involved. It works better for us to work with Ashtyn, tell her what behavior we'd like to see, acknowledge behavior that we want to see, and let her know what consequences she might have (for example, if she chooses not to climb into her car seat herself, then she doesn't get to buckle herself in, I do). We haven't used time outs in a long while and I have seen her behavior improve as we've worked in other ways with her. I love it!
How to Save Money at Home: A Room-by-Room Guide to Cut Spending by Kim Parsell
This was a pretty useful book, with a lot of good ideas. I definitely think that if I tried to do what this lady does to save money, I'd run out of emotional steam really fast. I think she goes a little overboard (for example, turning off the water in the shower while lathering your shampoo). I did get some useful tips though and I like the mindset of trying to save money (and limit waste).
The Gift of Failure by Jessica Lahey
This is a parenting book about the benefits of letting your child feel the consequences of mistakes and taking responsibility for themselves. I thought the idea behind it was good, but I also felt a lot of it didn't apply to me because the author focused on school and especially middle school.
I did like the idea of trusting kids to live up to our expectations and that the more we trust them, the more they will feel our confidence in them (helping them become more self sufficient and confident in themselves).
Arcanum Unbounded by Brandon Sanderson
This has been out for a long time and Ben and I were going to listen to it together, but I wanted a fun book to read and gave up on us listening to it together and just bought the eBook. I loved it, of course (and I cannot wait for his next book now!).
The Art of Work by Jeff Goins
This wasn't a bad book, but it honestly a little boring for me. I picked it up because I wanted a break from parenting books, but I ended up reading a different parenting book in the middle and then coming back to it. The main idea was that your work shouldn't just be work, but you should find your calling.
How to Talk so Kids can Learn by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
I absolutely LOVED this book! It was based off the book How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk. It was a teacher/mom who had read the book and then wrote this book. It was full of examples and talked about how to apply it. I noticed that, once again, acknowledging feelings was the most important thing. I want to read the book it was based off of now.
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