My Love of Motherhood

I read a post the other day that made me so sad. It was about mothers who regret having children after having them. It broke my heart, for both the mothers and the children in the article. Someone commented on it, though, about each of us having different gifts and the love of motherhood was a gift she'd been given.

That really spoke to me, because I have the same gift. I love being a mother. I have always wanted to be a mom and even when it's hard, I don't regret having kids or having kids so early in our marriage. I have hard days and there are days (particularly when I don't get enough sleep because of children) where I tell Ben half seriously that we aren't having any more kids. But those times pass and I love the rest of it.

I love coloring with Ashtyn and having her grab my hand to bring me from the couch to play with her.

I love the way Parker's face lights up when she sees me, with a grin so big you wouldn't think it actually fits on her face.

I love hearing Ashtyn negotiate how many toys she can bring in the car and listen to her sing "Mr. Sun, Sun, Mr. Golden Sun, won't you shine down on me!" at the top of her lungs.

I love watching Parker try so hard to crawl and how much she loves being on the ground able to try to crawl now.

I love hearing everything that Ashtyn says (sometimes it is SO funny) and how much she loves Parker.

I love this time of year with kids. Ashtyn is only two and she already loves everything about Christmas. That makes me so happy. Making them happy is so easy, but it brings so much joy.

I really love everything. I love the big things, like watching them open birthday presents and get excited about every single one, and I love the quiet moments of snuggles that come throughout the day. I honestly wouldn't want to be doing anything else with my life.

I don't know the solution for the moms who regret it. Maybe they need to find a better balance in their life, maybe they need to learn contentment, maybe they really should never have had kids to begin with. I don't know. I just know that I would never trade being a mother for anything in the world--a career, more travel, more freedom. None of it would be worth missing out on what I have right now.

There are sacrifices that come with having children. Some are short term, while they are so little and need you for everything and some never go away. I've felt that and there have been times when I have wished to be free of the responsibility so Ben and I could spontaneously go to a movie or take a cruise whenever we wanted. I also know, though, that it's worth. I understand, down to my very core, that what I'm doing is the most important work out there. And I really, really love doing it.

And for that, I will be eternally grateful.

Ashtyn turned 2!

This post is a little late, but I love my cute little girl and love that I get to watch as she grows!

Second birthday: October 17, 2016

Favorite food: Definitely cheese, but she also loves most fruits and loves yogurt and all things sweet

Favorite toys: Play dough, hands down. Plus anything that she can load/unload or "cook" in my pans.

Favorite things to say: "Need a nuggle (snuggle)!"
                                     "Need Momma!"
                                    "This is my big Momma ("little Momma" is Elizabeth)"
                                     "Don't burn yourself!"
                                     "No sleeping, baby Parker!"

Favorite things to do: Go to Grandma's house (all of them, it doesn't matter which grandma), go to church, go shopping, "cook" her toys, go "shopping" in our living room, and play with play dough.

Favorite People: "Goo goo goom" (Scooby Doo, I have no idea where she got that pronunciation), Barney, "Beth!" (Elizabeth), and Parker (plus all her family, she really loves everyone).

Knows: All her letters (uppercase, lowercase, and most of them in sign language), how to spell her name, how to count to fourteen, how to write t's, j's, and i's, her colors and shapes, and most recently, how to hold a pencil the correct way.

Favorite books: Cat the Cat (all of them), Three Billy Goats Gruff, and The Little Blue Truck 

Favorite shows: Signing Time, Sesame Street, Barney, and a YouTube playlist of nursery rhymes beginning with Johnny Johnny Yes Papa. 

New Babies, New Routines

Our routine has changed a lot since Parker was born and has started getting older and actually starting to follow some sort of schedule. I feel like we're starting to settle into a good one.

Ben and I try to wake up at six. It really helps some mornings that we're both getting up, but it can also be bad if we both want to stay in bed. Then we play the "if they get up, I will" game and when neither of us makes the first move, we end up sleeping in. Some mornings are more rough than others, depending how well Parker did (she still isn't sleeping through the night and still has pretty rough nights sometimes).

It's really good for Ben to wake up and work, though, because then he can finish earlier and still get his hours in. I wake up and write, since I'm trying to get a business going that can start bringing income in. It will help us with our house goals, give me something to do that I love, and bring even more stability to our income.

I usually write for about an hour. I have word count goals and chapter goals and things, but it usually takes me about an hour. If Parker actually sleeps until 7:30 (which only occasionally happens, but we're trying to get her to), then I can shower, unload the dishwasher, do stuff with my natural yeast, clean up the house, or keep writing.

At 7:30, I feed Parker while doing a Portuguese and an Esperanto lesson on Duolingo. When she's finished, I write in my journal, get dressed, and make the bed. Then we go get Ashtyn up and get both of them dressed with diaper changes.

Then we head downstairs and make and eat breakfast. By now, Parker starts getting grumpy, so we spend the rest of time until her nap entertaining her. She goes down between 2 1/2 and 3 hours after she woke up.

When she goes down, Ashtyn and I clean up breakfast and do our little devotional. Then we hang out. We have lots of favorites: outside time, running errands, play dough, drawing, reading, etc.

Parker is supposed to wake up around lunchtime (she still often wakes up after only 45 minutes). We get lunch and listen to the Dave Ramsey Show. Ben watches Parker and eats while I put Ashtyn down for her nap. Parker and I hang out until her nap and then they both sleep, for at least a short time, at the same time. Then I can clean, work on Christmas presents, write more, or relax. If schedules work out, I can do some of all!

When they wake up, we hang out and make dinner. When Ben finishes work, we eat. Then we sometimes visit family, take baths, do FHE, go to the library, or watch Avatar or Scooby Doo.

7:45, I feed Parker while we read scriptures and do family prayers. Then we do diapers and pajamas, brush teeth, and do bedtime. Ben takes one girl and I take the other. They both go down really well most of the time.

Then Ben and I do the dishes and get to hang out together until bed. We try to go to sleep around ten.

I love our schedule and our life. We are so blessed.

Doggies in Heaven

Last night was a crazy night. Ben's cousins are in town and we had some miscommunication that resulted in me taking the kids home alone and getting them to bed late. I was feeling frustrated and the kids were both tired. By the time I was reading and singing to Ashtyn, my patience was worn and Ashtyn's behavior was showing that she felt it.

We read and were singing. I started singing "Mother, Tell Me a Story." She knows most of the lyrics and started singing along with me, but she was sort of crying while singing. I knew I didn't want to leave her like that, so I stopped singing and, inspired by the song I was singing to her, had her sit up and look at me.

"Ashtyn," I said, "did you know that you used to live in Heaven with Heavenly Father?"

She looked at me and her eyes grew wide. "Uh huh."

"And then he sent you to Mommy and Daddy. We're so lucky, aren't we?"

"Uh huh."

I talked with her some more about heaven and then I said, "And someday we will all get to go back to heaven and live with Heavenly Father again. You and me and Daddy and Parker!"

Her eyes got wide again and she went, "ah!"in an excited way. Then she said, "And the doggy will come!"

I laughed. "Do you think doggies will be there too?"

"Uh huh," she said, still excited. "The doggy will come!"

We sang a couple more songs, both much more relaxed and we were both happy when I put her in her crib. Stopping to talk like that was the best thing for both of us.

I am so grateful for the small moments like these that I have every day with both Ashtyn and Parker. I so blessed.

Mom and Dad, A Team

To put our kids down to bed, I put Ashtyn down at her nap time and Ben puts her down at night while I put Parker down. We started this when I was still feeding Parker to sleep. Now I feed her earlier and do a little routine with her (same as with Ashtyn). 

Last night, I finished with Parker just as Ashtyn was down getting her teeth brushed. I knew Ben was tired, so I offered to do Ashtyn's routine as well. He asked her who she wanted and she laughed, then said "momma" (no surprise there). 

I picked her up and snuggled her on the rocking chair and Ben came over for a little kiss. When he asked for the kiss, though, Ashtyn realized he was leaving and puckered right up. We asked if she wanted us both to stay and she instantly agreed. Ben sat on the floor in front of the chair while I read her books. 

Ashtyn thought this was the funniest thing. She kept looking at him and laughing her head off. This continued as we sang her a few songs. Then I wrapped her up in her blanket and picked her up to give her a kiss. Ben came around the other side and hugged from that way. 

Standing there, loving on our daughter, seeing her face as she looked up at her two parents, the importance of marriage and two parents (a mother AND a father) and family really hit home for me. The Proclamation to the Family has it so right and I've never felt that stronger than now that I'm a parent. 

Kody

I am feeling really sad today.

A few years ago, I was able to go on my stake's trek as an aunt. I was originally supposed to go as a ma, but circumstances changed and they needed me to fill a different role. I was really disappointed by this and hadn't really wanted to actually go any longer. On the bus out, I sat next to one of the kids in my family, Kody. He was seventeen and one of those kids that hadn't wanted to come to trek but was there anyways (because of parents or leaders or whatever). We started talking and during the rest of the trek, I tried to watch out for him. We really seemed to connect.

At the end of trek, he wrote me a note, telling me that he was really glad I'd gone on the trek. He told me he probably would have been a trouble maker and not gotten much out of trek if I hadn't gone. As it was, I'd helped him have a really good experience there. I was so happy.

I sort of tried to stay in touch with him after, but it didn't last long. I only had Facebook as a way of contacting him and most of the time when I'd message him, he wouldn't answer. I did see him a few times and I let him know that I was thinking of him.

Then about a month ago, he messaged me. He was wanting to talk, about the church and different things. He shared some of the hard things he had going on with his life and we would talk on Facebook sometimes. It wasn't very long ago that we talked.

Then today, as I was scrolling through Facebook, I saw that he died. I don't know details, but I have guesses from what I've seen on Facebook. The situation is really sad to me, because when we would talk, it seemed like he was trying really hard to get back on the right track again. I was actually thinking about things from General Conference to talk with him about earlier today. Now, I can't.

It's just so sad. He was so young. I wish I could have done more for him.

I honestly didn't know him for very long or very well. I felt like I knew him well, though; we just sort of clicked in an immediate way. I want to remember him, though. I want to remember how much it meant for us to go through our trek experience together. I want to remember that when he was trying to get his life on a better path, I was one of the people he reached out to. And I want to remember him and do more to reach out to those around me.

Because you never know when one of them will be a Kody, needing your help and your love.

Two Under Two is Hard

Yesterday we went back to church for the first time (okay, technically we did that last week, but we went to my mom's ward and when your mom is there to help, everything seems easier). It made me acutely aware that we have two children under two.

Luckily Parker will sleep in her car seat.
And luckily Ashtyn goes to nursery no problem now.
And luckily I had Ben there to help when needed.

But it was ... exhausting.

The rest of the day, Parker struggled with naps and Ashtyn's nap wasn't a spectacularly long one. Ashtyn was abounding with energy, Parker was fussy, and I was worn out. With traveling for a week, a family reunion, and not much sleep, I felt ready for a day off.

Getting Ashtyn ready for bed, I lost my patience. I snapped at her, which she brushed off with a laugh, and passed her off to her dad with some hard feelings. I fed and put Parker down, feeling guilty about Ashtyn. My patience has been too short with her of late.

I put Parker down, cleaned up the house a little, and had just finished making myself some food when Parker started crying. I was so tired and hungry, I just turned the baby monitor off. I planned to check on her, and calm her down, if she was still crying when I finished my food. With the monitor off, though, I couldn't hear her and forgot.

Ben said something about her going back to sleep, that letting her cry a bit had been good. That's when I remembered the monitor was off and found her still crying. She had spit up, soaking her clothes, and worked her way out of her swaddle. Feeling like a terrible parent, I changed her clothes, wrapped her up, calmed her down, and put her back. She went right to sleep, which made me feel even worse, because she probably would have done that earlier if I'd just checked on her.

I went downstairs and Ben gave me a long hug, letting me talk about how hard my day had been. We were able to go up to bed together and whisper until we fell asleep and I felt like a weight was taken off my shoulders. I feel so grateful to have a husband I can count on to help with the kids, support me emotionally, and be my best friend, even on the hardest days. I also feel especially grateful to my own mother, who went through the downs of parenthood without that sort of help there. I don't know how she did it, but I will be eternally grateful to her for pushing through.

Two under two is intense, crazy, busy, fun, exciting, and hard. You have days and nights full of tears (from both the kids and the parents), a house full of diapers and laundry and laughter, and a heart overflowing with love. I will always be grateful for my two under two (though if you ask me that at one this morning when I'm awake with the baby again--or still--I don't know what my answer will be! Just kidding!).

Life with Two

Having two kids is both as hard and as fun as I thought it would be, and then some.

Some days aren't too crazy. Those are usually the days when Parker sleeps well. Parker sometimes is a champion sleeper and other times, I can't get her to stay settled. She's still so young that I'm not too worried about that, but those days sure are harder on all of us. Luckily, they're far and few between so far.

Parker has been a great sleeper at night, overall. She's had a few rougher nights, but nothing like when Ashtyn was a newborn. Of course, she's still very young, so she could still have some rough times in the next few months, but so far we haven't had any of the cry-from-ten-to-one-in-the-morning-nights that Ashtyn gave us the first couple of months.

Ashtyn does still struggle with jealously sometimes, but overall, she does great. She absolutely loves Parker. Ashtyn always wants to hold her, kiss her, pick her up (I don't let her do this, but I have to watch close if they're both out on the ground), and pray for her. She'll come over when Parker is crying and say, "It's okay, sister." When Parker is sleeping, Ashtyn always wants to "get Parker," and if we don't, it often ends in a meltdown on Ashtyn's end.

One of the best parts of having two kids is watching Ashtyn mimic what I do with her toys. She loves to feed, burp, rock, and snuggle her toys and dolls. It makes me happy in a way I've never felt before to watch her be so nurturing.

Having to balance my time between two kids has actually made it easier for me to have more purpose in my time with Ashtyn. When Parker is sleeping in the morning, we spend at least a little time either outside or running errands (one of the perks of your husband working from home is the ability to leave the house while your kids are sleeping). We also have begun doing a little devotional and mini home schooling (although, sometimes this happens while Parker is awake). We focus on letters and counting, but I've also been trying to work on Ashtyn's fine motor skills with drawing/coloring and other craft activities. We also read whatever books Ashtyn wants and sing nursery rhymes. I love this time, because it gives me a chance to really connect with Ashtyn at the start of the day, when I'm the least tired.

The hardest part of the day for me is the early evening, especially if Ben is still working or can't be home. I get tired really early, with the middle of the night wake ups we still experience, and Parker is at her fussiest. This usually means Ashtyn is struggling, too, and it wears on me. I usually start off the day feeling like a super mom and ending the day not wanting to do it all again tomorrow.

It's definitely more exhausting to have a newborn and a toddler. Luckily, Parker sleeps better than Ashtyn did, so I don't feel as tired as I did with Ashtyn. I know it will probably get worse before it gets better, but things seem manageable right now, even if I'm tired.

Life is definitely crazier. It's hard to stay on top of things and, although we are getting back into a routine, our schedule is more hectic and more exhausting with a newborn. This phase is so hard for me. Newborns are so exhausting, as adorable as they are, and it really wears on me. It helps me, this time around, getting through it, because I know it gets easier and goes so quickly. I am doing my best, through the exhaustion and double tantrums, to remind myself of how much I'll miss this all when it's gone.

And you know what? It's working.

Ashtyn and Parker

Having a second baby brings floods of memories back from when Ashtyn was a newborn. In some ways, Parker is so much like Ashtyn (like, how she looks, I can't get over how similar they look). In other ways, though, they're already complete opposites. These are some of the ways that they're different as babies.

Parker hates having her diaper changed. She's getting more used to it, but especially the first week, she would scream until I picked her up after. Ashtyn was the opposite; a lot of times, when Ashtyn was crying, laying her down to change her diaper calmed her right down.

Parker loves being held. She sleeps best when held and can be settled quickly with a few snuggles. Ashtyn didn't mind being held the first few weeks, but she did great on the floor. The older she got, the more she loved being on her back to kick and squirm. She'd cry when you picked her up instead of setting her down.

Parker loves tummy time. I'll set her on her back and she can only handle that for a minute, but flip her over to her tummy and she's happy as can be (for as long as babies are happy in any one position). She loves it so much, she often tries to fall asleep, if I'm not watching her careful enough. Ashtyn did NOT love tummy time. She would often scream as soon as I would flip her over. We got to the point where we could manage a minute or two, but she really hated it until she gained more strength and control over her movements.

Parker rarely cries. This could be because she's still really young. But so far, she's more calm than Ashtyn was at the same age. She'll cry when she wants food or needs sleep, but I don't think she's cried for longer than it takes to change her diaper or latch her on. I remember even less than a week after bringing Ashtyn home walking her around and around the kitchen trying to calm her down. We have yet to have that moment with Parker.

I'm sure as they grow, I'll see even more differences and similarities and I'm really excited for that. It's fun to have more than one kid, even as it's hard. One of the most fun things already is seeing their individuality and how they interact together.

Parker's Birth Story

After Ashtyn was born, I said it was the hardest thing I'd ever done in my life. And it was. It still is. It was not a horror story, but I still came away from it sure that I would never do a natural birth again. It was so hard, but as time passed, the memory became less real and more of a blur.

Fast forward 20 months and here I was again, ready for another natural birth, but this time much more prepared. And this time, the difference was night and day.

My due date was June 3rd. On Tuesday morning (May 31st), I woke up at four am with a few sporadic, pretty intense contractions. It felt very similar to what I woke up to with Ashtyn, so I thought maybe it was labor. 

It wasn't. Turns out it was the baby dropping. Usually, babies come 7 to 10 days after dropping, so I was assuming that would be the timeline for our baby as well. 

That evening, I lost my mucous plug, but I didn't realize it. All I saw was a few drops of red blood, which isn't usually a good sign, and I called my midwife Donna. She had me lay down and take Vitamin K, which seemed to help. 

The next morning, Donna came for a scheduled appointment in the morning. Everything was looking and sounding good. We found the cord hanging high, meaning that the placenta was most likely above the baby as well. Donna scheduled another appointment, fully expecting my baby to come before then. 

She left to her other appointments and we went about our day, Ben working and me doing my normal get-things-done-while-Ashtyn-is-sleeping stuff. Then I noticed the blood was back and that there seemed to be more of it. I took a Vitamin K and laid down, hoping it would stop. 

An hour later, it hadn't, so I called Donna. I was catching her just as she was almost home, but she was very concerned, so she turned around and came back. She was worried that the placenta was actually under the baby and covering the cervix, which would mean an automatic transfer to the hospital for a c-section. That situation is called placenta previa and a c-section is the safest way (and often the only way) to ensure the baby's safe delivery. I was in tears, very stressed and not wanting to be in that situation, but Ben sat with me and we waited for Donna so we could know what the situation actually was and what our options were with it. 

Donna arrived and she did an internal exam to determine whether the placenta was there or not. She reached in and instead of finding the placenta, she found the baby's head! Oh, how happy we all were. Not only did she find the baby's head, but I was dilated to a four. I was in labor and I didn't even know it. I was having Braxton-hicks. They were a little more intense than normal, but they lasted ten seconds or less and came so randomly, I would go two hours without one and then have three in twenty minutes. I'd try timing them, but I was sure it wasn't labor. 

Donna had Ben put on a glove and feel the baby's head. While he was doing that (it probably took about five minutes), I progressed more and was dilated to about a six. I thought about what it took to get dilated to a six with Ashtyn and felt euphoric at the difference. 

Donna had her birth stuff in the trunk and felt I was progressing fast enough that she didn't dare leave. She called her assistants and Ben had a few last minute things to do to get ready for the birth (we needed a few prescriptions for the baby, Donna wanted me to drink soy milk to stimulate some real contractions, and we dropped Ashtyn off with Ben's mom).

While he was gone, Donna had me walk stairs, which very quickly brought on some contractions. This was about 3:45. They were between 20 and 30 seconds long, with 2 to 3 minutes between each one. The contractions were getting stronger, but weren't too bad. I was honestly so happy with how my labor was going so far (especially compared to last time) that the contractions felt like nothing to me. 

Around 4:30, my contractions were starting to get pretty intense. They were longer, more like a minute long, but still 3 to 5 minutes apart. I turned on Hypnobabies and laid on the bed, focusing on relaxing. It took a lot of concentration at this point to stay relaxed during the contractions. It was nice to have the space between them, it gave me a chance to focus. I felt better prepared with Hypnobabies and it really helped to think about what the contractions were doing--moving the baby down and opening my cervix. Concentrating on that really helped me relax my body. 

I lost track of time and let myself forget about the outside world. Donna checked me once more and I was dilated to an eight. The contractions were getting intense by this point, so I was really happy to know I'd already made it into transition (the hardest part of labor, where your body dilates from a 7 to a 10). 

They set up the place where I would do the pushing and moved me there, checking me again. I hadn't progressed tons since the last check, so they broke my water. The contractions were beginning to get closer together and at this point, they didn't go away entirely between each contraction. 

I lay on the end of the bed, holding Ben's hand, with him kneeling over me. While I held his hand and needed that support, I was able to relax enough that I didn't need them to squeeze every time a contraction came. 

I was definitely feeling done with it all and was going to ask Donna to check me again to see how close I was when I suddenly felt the urge to push. I never felt this with Ashtyn's birth; then, the midwives just told me I could push whenever and I was so tired of labor that I just started pushing. It was a weird, strong sensation. 

The pushing part was the only thing about this labor that felt harder than with Ashtyn's birth process. With Ashtyn, I just pushed. It was painful as she crowned, but I just let go. This led to tearing and much harder recovery period. This time around, pushing was so different. 

Donna held her hand at Parker's head, instructing me to push against her if I felt any pain or burning at all. They gave me so much support and Donna let me know what was going on the entire time. A contraction would come and I'd push. If I felt pain or burning, Donna would help me relax (while I squeezed poor Ben's hand harder than anything, because relaxing at this point was so hard). This let the baby's head work it's way out of my body without tearing the skin or damaging anything inside. 

I was getting discouraged, with how hard this part was, so Donna guided my hand down and let me feel the head. She told me I only had one or two contractions left and the baby would be out. The next contraction, the baby made it through. The sensation of the baby coming out (and I remember this with Ashtyn too) is the weirdest and most satisfying sensation I've ever felt in my life. 

We waited to find out the gender and I told Ben before labor began that it was his job to check. He teased me that he was going to tell me the wrong one, but I knew he was joking. As soon as she was out, Ben squeezed my hand gently and told me, "It's a girl," with a big grin on his face. I was so happy. 

It was still not easy, but once again, it was totally worth it. There is something so sweet and precious about newborns. I feel so grateful for my two babies and the joy they bring to our little family. 

A Sunday Blessing

I've been meaning to share this post for a few days, but we've been pretty busy preparing for and having our new little baby!

On Sunday, I had a moment of gratitude that I wanted to write about. 

Ashtyn and I were sitting in sacrament. Ben is a young men's leader and, because we only have probably six young men total in our ward, he helps with the sacrament pretty much every week. This last week, he was up blessing the bread and water. 

As we sang the sacrament hymn, the Spirit filled me so suddenly and powerfully. I couldn't help but look around as we sang the words "the blessings of this day will linger in our thankful hearts and silently we pray for courage to accept thy will, to listen and obey," and thank my Heavenly Father for everything I had. 

I looked next to me at my sweet baby girl, sitting with her little hymn book in her lap, being so cute and well behaved for so young and thought, "What did I do that I get to have this sweet spirit here with me for a time?" Then I looked up at my wonderful husband, so serious as he broke the bread apart, and tears came as I thanked my Heavenly Father for the faith and diligence of the worthy priesthood holder I was married to. 

I truly feel blessed to have the family I do. 

The Best Fifteen Minutes of my Day

During the first three months of Ashtyn's life, I literally thought I was going to die of sleep deprivation. And she wasn't a bad sleeper, as far as babies went. She was just a baby and I do not do well without eight straight hours of sleep every night. Go without that for three months and I'm miserable.

Because of that, I spent a lot of those first three months of her life reading and studying about how to get babies to sleep. I read blogs, books, and as many websites as I could find and I learned a lot of helpful things. I also began to see a pattern, something that everyone seemed to repeat, whether they used the cry it out method or were all for you rocking your baby to sleep every night.

If you want your baby to sleep well, there are two main things you need to do: get them on a pretty consistent schedule (what this means for you and your family, you get to decide) and part of that schedule needs to involve a bedtime (and nap time) routine.

I really wanted sleep, so I stuck to this religiously. I really wanted Ashtyn to sleep, both for her sake and mine.

Little did I know how dear to my heart this time would become.

Our routine has grown and changed a little as she's gotten over. I quickly abandoned the bath at bedtime, because I was too tired by the time bedtime came around and it didn't seem to calm her down anyways. I would just swaddle her, read a couple books to her, and sing a song before putting her down in her crib.

Now, we still read together. Then we say a prayer, sing whatever nursery rhymes Ashtyn wants, and then snuggle while I sing a hymn or primary song to her.

It's honestly one of the best things we do together. I love looking at the books and seeing how smart Ashtyn is. We giggle, count, and discover together as we look at the pages and Ashtyn always wants more when we're done. I secretly do too.

Then Ashtyn turns around so she's sitting on my lap facing me and I help her say a prayer. Then she almost always wants to say one by herself. She usually has a lot to say, let me tell you. It's always so funny to hear her "prayers".

Then we sing nursery rhymes. This is probably Ashtyn's favorite parts. She loves choosing the song almost as much as actually singing it. From "itby itby ibty" (the itsy bitsy spider) to "tall tall tall" (Once there was a snowman) to "poppy poppy window" (Popcorn popping), she gets so excited. She is so smart, she knows most of the lyrics and it's so cute to hear. When we finish, I'll say "One more time" and hold my finger up, so now she'll do that too and it's basically so cute that it's impossible to resist doing it one more time, even if we've already done it five.

Then it's time to snuggle. She used to lay her head on my shoulder, but usually now she wraps her little arms around my big belly and lays her head on my chest. She knows a lot of the lyrics to a lot of the songs I sing her and tries to sing along with me. This is my favorite part. I love holding my sweet baby close and sometimes the Spirit is so strong in the room, my heart just swells with gratitude. I have never felt a stronger or sweeter assurance of God's love or of the divinity of my role as a mother than during those precious moments, holding my daughter and sharing my testimony through music with her.

I am so blessed.

Loving Life

My life now is so different than when Ben and I were living in Orem. It constantly amazes me, when I stop and look at how truly blessed I am with the life we live now (not that we weren't blessed in Orem as well, it just seems as if life keeps getting better and better).

One of those moments for me was Saturday. Saturday morning, Ben left Ashtyn and I shortly after Ashtyn waking up to go help his grandparents chop wood. Ashtyn and I hung out all day by ourselves, eating breakfast and lunch, playing outside, having a bubble bath, and watching Elmo's World while I did some meal prepping for when the baby comes. It was a pretty normal day for us, except that Ben wasn't in the house.

Even though Ben is up in his office working a lot, it feels different to have him gone. He doesn't come down for food or to share some exciting news. We can't go up and visit to say hi. It just is different to have him out of the house.

Having him gone reminded me of when he used to go to work every day at TestOut. I remember hating to see him go and counting down the hours with him (over email) until he could come home. It was a good job and he seemed happy for the most part. We still found time to spend together, even with a newborn and him being so busy (with two jobs and school), but it was definitely a more stressful and crazy time of life.

Now, it feels as if our life is perfect at times. I know it's not, but it sure feels great to be living the kind of life that we both want. Ben loves his job. He looks forward to Monday because he gets to work. He comes down all excited about what he's working on pretty much every day and I can just tell that he loves what he does every day. I love that.

As for Ashtyn and I, we get the best of both worlds. We get to hang out all day together, doing just whatever we want. If we want to stay in pajamas and watch Elmo all day, we can. If we want to go to the library or the park, or go visit someone, we can. I love having the freedom to relax and I love having Ben around. With our soon-to-arrive baby coming soon, I'm especially grateful for that.

I love our life. There are things about life that aren't great, of course. Life is never perfect. But I have to say, ours is pretty darn close.

In Marriage, It's the Little Things

Sometimes it's easy, especially in our day of Facebook and Instagram and Snapchat, to see other people's lives and wish yours was more like theirs. This is definitely not a healthy view and I think it's especially destructive in a marriage. Instead of noticing what is lacking in your spouse, it's so much better to see the little things they do for you and feel grateful for it. 

This past week, a bad cold has hit our little family. Poor Ben had it the worst. Despite being pregnant, mine was the least bad (more an annoyance than anything, where poor Ben and Ashtyn were miserable). 

Even though Ben was miserable, he still was so thoughtful and kind to me. There were several times specifically that I noticed this and it made my heart swell with love and gratitude for the wonderful man I married. 

One such time was when we were getting ready for bed. I saw there was a roll of toilet paper on the bedside table. Ben already had a roll on the dresser next to his side of the bed, so I wasn't sure what it was doing there. I put it in the drawer, to be out of the way. 

When Ben got into bed, he asked where it was. I told him and he told me that he had gotten it for me, in case I needed to blow my nose during the night. It was such a thoughtful gesture, especially since his nose was way worse than mine. 

Another time, he went downstairs and got my water for me before bed, making sure I had it to stay hydrated. It was a small thing, but the fact that he was thinking of me and what I might need during the night when he was feeling so poorly himself meant so much to me. 

Even while he was sick, he still helped out a lot with dishes, food, and with watching Ashtyn. I'm sure all he wanted to was sit on the couch, but he still helped because that's who he is. 

Sometimes, in a relationship, grand or romantic gestures like flowers or a romantic get away are nice, but really, wouldn't you rather have a person who day in and day out thinks of you and puts your needs ahead of their own? 

I'm so blessed to have that. I know that Ben and I aren't perfect and we're always working on making our relationship better, but I'm so grateful to have someone who tries so hard for me. I love him. 

The Minimum List

This pregnancy, I've struggled a lot more emotionally than when I was pregnant with Ashtyn. With her, I don't remember ever going through emotional ups and downs. There was the time someone honked at me while I was driving and it made me cry, but I don't think I was as tender. This pregnancy has been a whole different story.

One of the side effects of this emotional roller coaster for me has been lack of productivity. I remember one day, I thought about doing the laundry and it made me want to cry. I wake up some days just emotionally worn out and it makes me want to do absolutely nothing.

When we first moved to our apartment, I had these great aspirations. I had a to-do list for each different day and it was loaded with cleaning, business ventures, exercising, organizing, reading and language learning, and making food. I had all these ideas about keeping the apartment clean all the time, the fridge stocked with super healthy food and snacks, keep on tons of stuff for improving myself, all of the things I'm supposed to do because I'm pregnant (which could be an entire post on its own) and still having time for Ashtyn and Ben. At first, I was doing pretty good at finishing my list, but I honestly was just exhausted all the time and I felt like I never finished everything that I wanted to.

I eventually burned myself out and just sort of stopped doing anything at all, because I knew  I couldn't do everything. That was the worst time, emotionally, for me.

Now I have a new system and I love it. It acknowledges that I can't do everything, motivates me to get moving when I am feeling lazy, and lets me know that even if I don't get anything else done, at least I did the things that are most important.

I have minimums that I do everyday.

In the morning (preferably before Ashtyn wakes up), I do scripture reading and journal and get dressed. I also like to make the bed, if Ben wakes up before Ashtyn. Of course, there are other things that I like to get done (like clearing out the dishwasher or making bread), but if I don't, that's okay. I get my minimum in. I do scriptures then because otherwise, I won't do it, and I get dressed because being dressed for the day makes it more likely that I'll feel productive.

While Ashtyn is awake, I don't have any minimums. I do things, like make breakfast, but I also get to just hang out with Ashtyn if I want and I love that.

During her nap, I have a minimum ten minute work out that I do (I'll probably change this up after I'm pregnant, but I have a work out routine that works really well for being pregnant right now). I also work on something for business (whether it's writing, planning out my business, or helping Ben with his business stuff) for ten minutes. It's not long, but sometimes I end up working longer on it.

My other minimum is at night. Before going to bed sometime, I load up the dishwasher. Sometimes this ends with me cleaning the entire kitchen or apartment before bed and sometimes I'm so tired, I just load the dishes and leave the rest of the mess for later. Doing this, though, leaves the kitchen cleaner for the morning, making it easier for me to want to do things in the kitchen, and also ensures that we'll have clean dishes the next day.

I really love this system. I've been doing it for about a week and it has worked so well. When I'm having a hard day or am tired, I still feel like I get things done, and I definitely feel more productive because of it. I also think my mood has been better because of it.

A Chef In Training

I have recently realized that cooking has become one of my favorite past times. This is both very surprising to me and not surprising at all.

Growing up, my mom loved to cook. She was working full time, going to school, and raising three kids by herself, but we always had homemade meals for dinner. Looking back now, I'm amazed that she put in the time and effort to do so. I know she did it because it was best for us and for our family (and our finances!), but also because she loved to cook.

I helped her in the kitchen often, browning hamburger, shredding cheese, and peeling potatoes. A few times, for young women's and such, Mom helped me make an entire meal. I never really got into, though, and by the time I was a teenager/young adult, I thought I just didn't like to cook.

I remember I was dating this guy once who obviously had an expectation of his future wife cooking the meals for him the majority of the time. We were talking about cooking and I said something like, "I'm not good at good at cooking and I just don't really have time to learn."

He stopped me there and said something about choosing what we put our time into. He, of course, was right, but at that moment, I realized I had zero desire to learn to cook. At least, at that point in my life. I was in school, working full time, dating, going to institute, writing a novel, running everyday, teaching myself piano, hanging out with friends, and soon after preparing for a mission. My life was so full of wonderful things and I was living at home. There was no reason for me to spend the time to learn to cook.

Six months later, I found myself a newlywed wife and Ben and I really wanted to eat healthy. That means making your own food, for the most part, though. Especially when you're poor college students living on less than 20,000 a year.

The early days were filled with a lot of cereal-for-dinner nights and really simple meals like bean dip, spaghetti, and chicken cooked on the stove in garlic powder. I remember the first time I made chicken. We had bought it and Ben was at work. I had literally no idea what to do with it, so I called my mom. She talked me through it and we had something edible that night, but there were definitely a lot more calls to mom about how to make something (or google searches!).

One night, I decided I wanted to make a white sauce for pasta. I found a recipe online, but it apparently wasn't a very good one. I added the milk, butter, and flour all at the same time, so the butter didn't mix in with the milk, and I ended up with a very interesting sauce. After calling my mom and realizing what I'd done wrong, I added a can of mushroom soup and some cheese to my pan in an attempt to save dinner. I thought it was so gross, but Ben told me that it was his favorite thing I'd made up to that point. He ate it all. I never made it again, though.

Since then, I've learned a lot. I'm still learning, but I am getting to be experienced enough in the kitchen that I can tell better by the recipe whether it will turn out well, play around with different recipes and have them turn out, and try new recipes for the first time without any disasters occurring (usually).

I love finding recipes, I love making dinners that go together and then sitting down together to eat them. I love making something and having it turn out Pinterest-perfect. I love having people over and making food for them. There's something about it. It's almost like an art, where you create something new, and I absolutely love it.

Growing Up Too Fast

There are parts of being a mom that aren't all that fun, I'll admit. Like when your child wakes up at 3:30 in the morning, settles themselves back down, but then you can't fall back asleep for an hour and a half. Or like this morning, when our day started with the sort of blow out diaper that makes you want to take the entire crib--child and all--into the backyard and just spray everything down. 

Honestly, I really didn't want to spend my morning cleaning poop out of stuffed animals, blankets, and the carpet. Messy diapers don't really bother me and I can even handle throw up, but cleaning up stuff like that is just gross, no matter how you look at it. It's not the best part of motherhood, that's for sure. 

But I still can't wish it away. Not right now. 

Right now, I'm feeling a little sentimental. I'm only two months away from a new baby entering my world and Ashtyn just seems to grow faster and faster the older she gets. 

On Sunday, Ashtyn went to nursery for the first time. It was a few weeks early, but with our new callings, Ben and I couldn't take her with us to the block meeting, so off to nursery she went. And she did so great. 

Ben and I walked her over together. She was a little timid coming in, even when I showed her the toys, but she seemed okay. I gave her a kiss goodbye and left to teach my class. Ben stayed to make sure she'd be okay with me gone. 

When Ashtyn noticed I was gone, she asked for me. Ben told her that I was in class and gave her a doll to play with. She sat down to play and Ben told her goodbye. He left and peeked in at her through the window. She was just playing. 

Ben looked in on her a few more times throughout the meeting. Once she was just sitting there, eating their little snack. The next time he checked on her, they were playing ring around the rosies and she was happy as can be. Another little girl came over and gave her a hug and Ashtyn hugged the girl back. 

Ashtyn did great, but I had a harder time. I feel so emotional about leaving my baby in nursery, though I know it's illogical. I kept tearing up during primary when I'd think of her not being with me. I am really glad she did so well, but it still just tears at my heart. 

Ashtyn is my baby. My first baby. And she's growing up way too fast. Every time I look at her, I realize how much like a little girl and not a baby she is. She can eat most everything (except soup and yogurt, because she doesn't quite grasp the spoon concept yet) on her own, count to ten like a champ, sing the alphabet song, identify all her letters, and talk well enough to tell you what she wants (most of the time). Every time I turn around, she's bigger and more grown up. 

I know that she still needs me and that she'll always need me to some extent. I'm just not quite ready for these early days to be disappearing so quickly. I love them, and my precious baby, too much for it. 

So, please, time, just slow down a little and let me enjoy these little moments.

I Think Ashtyn's Smarter Than Me

It amazes me every single day how quickly Ashtyn picks on things. Sometimes she says or does something and I just sit there in amazement, thinking "where did she learn that?" and "she is so smart!"

I, of course, do things to try and teach her. We've been working on letters and colors and things. But she honestly just picks things up from me or Ben or Signing Time or somewhere that I didn't even mean to teach her.

The other day, we were sitting on the couch. She understands the concept of two and loves to count things "one, toon!" Ben had been trying to teach her to count to three, but before, she'd always said, "One, toon! One, three!"

We were looking at a book together while sitting on the couch and I pointed to something, telling her to count it. She pointed her finger and said, "One, toon, three, four, five, six!"

I was literally blown away. I had no idea she knew how to count like that and actually don't know where she picked it up, unless Ben and I have just done it enough that she learned it. Now, she always skips four, but has added first seven and now eight to her counting. She also will say nine, ten independently of the other numbers randomly.

Another example of this is her letters. She loves letters and knew quite a few, but there were still a lot she didn't know. I wanted her to learn every letter, lower and upper case, with the sign, by her second birthday. We started at the beginning and had just finished the letter e. I found an app on my phone that just showed letters and we scrolled through it. I was amazed that she knew all her letters except maybe three. She now knows all her upper case letters and most of the signs.

She also is so smart when it comes to music. She sings quite a bit of the alphabet song with me when I sing it and knows a lot of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, Ring Around the Rosies, and Happy and You Know It. There are other songs that she tries to sing along with (and does a good job) like I Just Can't Wait to Be King from Lion King and a song we play in the car sometimes. It's a Hilary Weeks CD and the song goes "Piece by piece by piece, but you're just passing through," in the chorus. Every time these lyrics come up, Ashtyn is ready for them and says, "piece! Piece! Piece! pause troooooo!" And it's adorable.

I love watching Ashtyn learn and love to learn. I hope that I can encourage to keep her love for learning all her life.

Our New Routine

Now that we're settled into our new apartment, we've fallen into a pretty nice routine. Of course, there are times when we don't follow this (like this morning, when we slept in and had family snuggle time in bed, keeping Ashtyn there by letting her watch videos of herself on my phone), but I like our relaxed routine a lot.

Ben has started waking up at 5:30 and starting work right away. He really likes this, because he feels more productive early in the morning or late at night than during the day. I wake up at 5:45 and get my hypnobabies in. Then I drink my lemon water while I write in my journal and do scripture study, before Ashtyn wakes up.

I also try to get my exercise and shower in, and I like to make the bed and do the dishes before Ashtyn wakes up, but most days I don't get all (or any) of these in before she gets up because I don't push myself out of bed. I feel to lazy!

When Ashtyn wakes up, we sit on the rocking chair and snuggle or talk until she is ready to get down. Some days she wakes up adamantly asking for a smoothie, so we'll go down and do that, but most days we get her dressed and pick up the upstairs clutter. Then we head down and make breakfast.

Ashtyn starts off breakfast with eggs (scrambled with cheese, she loves them if I give them to her first), then usually has a carb (a granola bar, a cracker, a piece of bread) and peaches. Sometimes we have sausage or other fruit and if we have cookies around, she sometimes even gets a cookie for dessert. She watches Signing Time while she eats.

While she's eating, I make eggs for Ben and I and clear out the dishwasher if it still needs it. Then Ben takes a break from work and comes down to eat real quick. He heads back to work while Ashtyn watches the last of her Signing Time and I finish cleaning the kitchen. If there is food that needs to be made (like a natural yeast sponge), I'll do that too.

Then Ashtyn and I just hang out and play. We usually turn on music and just play with her toys downstairs. If it's warm enough outside, we also like to go for walks outside. Ashtyn will get her shoes and bring them over to me, saying "walking!" We also sometimes go and hang out at Ben's mom's house, if I don't have a bunch of other stuff to do (which, I admit, is rare).

Around ten thirty, we have a snack. What we have differs pretty much everyday, but Ashtyn loves snacks because we don't make her get in her high chair for them.

On Tuesdays, Thursdays, Saturdays, and as needed, we give Ashtyn her bath, usually right before lunch. She loves baths and playing in the water with her letters. We do mornings because a lot of nights, we're out visiting and don't want to come home early enough to give her bath and still get her to bed on time.

Around noon, we have lunch. Every once in a while, I'll make something for lunch, but we usually just eat food prepped stuff and leftovers. Ben comes down again from work. One of the things I love most about Ben working from home is that we get to eat together pretty much every meal.

After lunch, we clean up the kitchen a little and then put Ashtyn down for her nap. During her nap, I make food and do food prep, do chores that are harder to do while she is awake, and relax. Sometimes Ben and I spend time together, sometimes I watch TV or read, and sometimes I do crafts. I haven't been focusing on my business as of late, because I'm not sure what I want to do with it or that I even want to do it. It's all up in the air.

After her nap, we make a smoothie and Ashtyn watches some Disney songs on YouTube. Her favorites are the ones with animals in them. A lot of times, Ben is done with work because of how early he starts, so he comes down and gets his smoothie. When Ashtyn's done watching, a lot of times we go over to his parent's house to hang out. If not, Ashtyn and I might go into the back to play if it's warm enough or we just hang out. We do dinner together and listen to more music. It's usually pretty relaxed in the evening.

At 7:45, we start getting Ashtyn ready for bed and put her down by 8:30. Then I might do a quick house sweep, if I feel up to it, and we usually jump the dishes in the dishwasher. If I need to put bread in or something, I'll do that while Ben does the dishes. Then we get to spend time together until we make ourselves go to bed. It's nice that we have that time. When the new baby comes, we probably won't for a little while, but I want to get to that point again.

I really love the life we have. We have fun doing little things and we aren't as busy as when we had school and multiple jobs and everything. I love that we can relax more together and that we can find ways to connect as a family. I feel so grateful.

Ashtyn at Church

Ashtyn loves going to church. She gets really excited when I tell her it's church day, which I think is pretty cute.

For her, it all starts when we get out of the car in the parking lot. She loves it because she can go "walking" (her absolute favorite thing), holding Mom's finger with one hand and Dad's finger with her other hand. We walk into the sacrament room and over to our bench. Inevitably, she tries to walk away from the bench and she throws a mini fit about having to sit.

Once we're seated, she looks at the program. She loves pictures of temples and Jesus, so the program is fun for her. She also loves identifying the letters that she knows (like W and H). She'll sit and read it, sometimes for quite awhile.

She's really good during sacrament, usually (for a less-than-18-month). More and more, she'll sit between Ben and I on the bench. She still likes to stand up, turn around, and look at everyone behind us. When there's a baby behind us, she'll wave and say hi, sometimes saying "hi Thomas!" (her baby cousin's name is Thomas). She also will continue throughout the meeting to get down, saying "walking!"

During the sacrament, she loves to watch for the bread and water to come and then take the sacrament (of course). She signs bread and water and as soon as she's had her's, she asks for more. I usually give her her sippy cup of water right after.

During the hymns, she's started wanting her own hymnbook. She'll sit next to me with the book open on her lap and "sing" with us, flipping through the pages. She loves the hymn books, probably because we wouldn't let her have them when she was younger and going through her rip every page phase.

Ashtyn loves prayers. She thinks folding her arms is the greatest thing ever. She'll look up on the stand and see everyone's eyes closed, saying "shhhh" (that's what she does when anyone is "sleeping"). I think it's so cute that she loves prayers so much.

Keeping her entertained during sacrament is a job, but it's not the exhausting part. She's really good through the sacrament and then we have snacks, coloring, books, and toys that keep her quiet and occupied.

After sacrament, we go to Sunday school. Ashtyn is so close to being old enough for nursery, but isn't quite there yet. Ben and I are both really ready for that transition to come.

Ashtyn loves walking through the halls. I usually make a bathroom stop (because I'm pregnant) and Ashtyn loves going into the bathroom with me. Right now, Ben and I sit a chair apart in Sunday school and the chair in the middle is Ashtyn's. She spends most of her time on the floor, coloring and eating snacks and trying to get out to run around. We try our hardest to keep her quiet, occupied, and by us. By the time Relief Society comes around, I usually let her loose in the room because it's too exhausting to keep her cooped up for three hours.

Ashtyn loves seeing all the pictures of Jesus and all the flowers. She loves the music ("mekik") and prayers. She loves that we let her walk from class to class and she loves the attention she gets from everyone (and believe me, she gets LOTS). She simply loves church and I love that, even if it's a lot more work with such a young child.

The Charly Book

For Valentine's Day, Benjamin gave me the perfect little gift. He had bought a little notebook from Amazon and named it his "Charly Book". It's like a little journal that he writes in, about our marriage and me and his thoughts. Then, I can read it whenever I want.

I really love it. Ben writes in sporadically, because that's his personality, and I check it pretty much every day, because that's my personality, but it's a really fun thing. I love hearing his thoughts, so him writing them down for me means a lot to me. There have also been times that I've been having a hard day or been feeling grumpy with him, but then I've gone to read his little entry. Reading his thoughts really softened my heart towards him and helped me see things from his perspective.

For example, there was a day I was struggling with hormones already. Ben was working a lot and I was feeling particularly sensitive about spending time with him. We weren't sure what to do after we put Ashtyn down, so we just watched a TV show and went to bed. I woke up the next morning and read what Ben had to say. He shared with me how he wanted to spend quality time with me, as well, and that watching TV didn't really do that for him. He wrote down some ideas for coming up with activities for us to do and it really helped my tender feelings. I loved knowing that he wanted to spend time with me as well.

I think this book was a really good idea of Ben's. I love hearing about the different, individualized ways husbands come up with to show their wives how much they love them. I know Ben does this for me often and I am really grateful for that.

A Pancake Dilemma

**Update: I am switching from posting on my blog daily to posting weekly. I was feeling overloaded and burnt out from what I was trying to do before, so I've gone through my goals and changed what I want to get done everyday. I might post more often, if I feel like it, but I want to post on Wednesdays now**

Yesterday morning, I was making pancakes for Benjamin and Ashtyn, just for fun. I had a bigger pan and I'd put a normal-sized pancake on the pan for Ben and a smaller one for Ashtyn, cooking them at the same time.

I was trying to do a lot at once, because that's how breakfast is. In a hurry, I flipped Ashtyn's pancake, then went to flip Ben's. I flipped it onto Ashtyn's pancake. It was very annoying. I tried to fix it as best I could, but it was mostly just a mess of pancake batter.

I sat down to finish my eggs, telling Ben in a grumbling voice what I did. Ben started laughing, saying to Ashtyn, "My pancake ate your pancake."

His laugh, and joke, were contagious and I began laughing too, my frustrations melting quickly away.

The experience was a small one, but it reminded me of how grateful I am for Benjamin in my life. He complements me in ways that I really need sometimes. He can always get me to laugh when I need it and helps my uptight personality relax a little. And for that, I love him.

Ashtyn's Quirks

Kids are weird. I mean, they can be really weird sometimes. Ashtyn is super cute, but definitely not the exception to the weird rule. Here are some of the funny, odd things she does:

She drinks out of her sippy cup is it's facing backwards. This makes it harder for her to get the liquid to come out, but if I rotate it so the nipple is on the bottom, she inevitably turns the other way within just a minute or two.

Ashtyn has to put her colored pencils in their cardboard box upside down. She'll start putting one in the other way, so "oh!" and switch it.

She likes to back up to things. She'll back up slowly to the wall or door and then run forward and back up again. I am still not sure why she does this.

When Ashtyn is eating in her high chair, she'll eat off her plate or bowl for a little while, but eventually, she dumps all her food onto her tray and throws her plate onto the floor.

This is one I try to stop, but she loves to drip her water or milk out of her bottle onto the floor and then lay down and lick or slurp it up. She especially loves to do this when I make hot chocolate.

Ashtyn has a portable training potty, that she doesn't yet use, to get her used to it. She loves to put toys inside of it, but her newest favorite thing to do is take the potty part out, climb inside the hole that's left, and sit in there with a toy or book.

Ashtyn also loves to climb inside things, which is normal for kids, but still really funny. The funniest is when she climbs inside my pots or pans.

Ashtyn has a barbie from the dollar store. She brings it over to me, saying "help" and "off", I take the dress off for her, then Ashtyn promptly bends the leg off. She then walks around with either just the barbie leg or with the naked, one-legged barbie.

She loves to read. Ashtyn will get a book (not a kid's book) and sit and "read" it. She also loves to take her finger and move them over the words, babbling as she "reads" the words.

Ashtyn also loves socks. One thing she likes to do that's ... interesting, is using her mouth to pull her socks off. I'm not sure why she does this, but she does.

She also talks to walls. She'll stand up on the couch or crouch down and babble to the wall, or repeat the same sound over and over again. She used to do this with tags. I remember, before she was very mobile, she'd roll over to the tag on her play mat and sit there and make loud noises at it.

She does a lot more, there's just way to many to write here, or even think of all at once. But she definitely already has her own personality, ideas, and quirks. And we sure love her for it.

My Natural Yeast Troubles

I haven't always loved to cook, but when we got married, I began (out of necessity, since we like to eat healthy and didn't have tons of money) to cook more. I'd helped my mom in the kitchen for years, because she was an amazing cook, but I was never interested in doing more than grating the cheese or browning the hamburger.

As I've learned more, I have found I actually really love to cook. One of my favorite things to do is take something delicious and make it as healthy as it can be.

A few years ago, Ben's mom got into natural yeast bread. You grow a start, a mixture of flour and water that attracts the wild yeast in the air, and use that to raise your bread. It takes a lot longer, at least six hours (for bread, usually longer), but the flour soaking in the start makes it a lot healthier. The bacteria in the start feed off the flour and sugars in the dough, beginning the digestion process and breaking down the wheat particles in a way that makes it easier to digest. The bacteria in the natural yeast also lines your intestinal tract in a way that helps your body digest other food more quickly as well, and balances out the yeast and bacteria in your body.

It's still bread, but it's basically the healthiest way we've found to make bread.

Ben's mom can make all sorts of things with it--bread, pancakes, waffles, cookies, crackers. I've tried a few of these and they've worked, but I'm still learning. It's honestly a pretty steep learning curve.

I think the main thing is that I am still learning how to feed my starter. Because it's yeast, it's alive, and to keep it healthy, you need to feed it water and flour at least every four days. You need to get it a good, thick consistency and use spring water. I'm still working on that, but I think once I get spring water, it'll work a lot better.

The bread is also the trickiest recipe, probably, because it's so important to get the dough the right consistency to make sure it raises right. I also had a trouble with the pancake recipe when I tried it, but I think that was due to my starter. I hope.

It's really fun to learn to cook in healthy ways like this. Ben and I love to eat healthy, but we also still love to have our treats and favorite foods. I love that we can find ways to still enjoy our favorite things in a healthier way.

My Love Language

According to Gary Chapman, there are five love languages: words of affirmation, acts of service, physical touch, gifts, and quality time. You've probably heard of these, they're really famous. I've learned about them multiple times--in church, in almost every class for my major at school, reading other books on marriage and relationships--and have taken the test in multiple settings, including with Benjamin. 

The funny thing is, I thought after taking the test that I knew what my love language was. I thought I was a balance of physical touch and words of affirmation, with a little bit of quality time. Gifts are nice and I appreciate when people serve me, but those aren't huge for me. They're just nice additions. 

And so I read the book, thinking I wouldn't take tons away from it, but reading it because we had it. I feel like I learned so much, though, especially about myself and my own love language.

 

I realized while reading through the different love languages that mine is very much quality time. Looking back over my life and especially my marriage, I can definitely see that showing through. I think physical touch would be next, especially when combined with quality time. I also really like words of affirmation still, but again, words of affirmation as a part of quality time is really what is big for me. 

I realized, thinking about it, that this is probably one reason I love pictures so much. I love taking pictures of a moment and looking back on it, remembering the quality time I spent with those I love. I also realized that in high school, the people I felt closest with were those that I spent a lot time with. I would plan a lot of activities, especially once I started dating, and felt so much closer to my friends when we would do those things together. 

My love language explains why I love planning parties and events so much. I get to anticipate the quality time I'll be spending with my loved ones by planning all the little details. 

It also explains why it was so hard for me to date Benjamin long distance. When you're long distance and your boyfriend's love language isn't naturally quality time, it can be hard. I felt like I didn't see him very often and that I wanted to spend time with him more than he wanted to spend time with me. While this probably wasn't true, I can see with both our personalities and our love languages why it would seem that way to me when we had an hour and a half between us. 

Some of the biggest misunderstandings we've had in our marriage have come because I was looking for quality time with Ben, but our definition or expectation of that quality time was different. That's something that we're still working on, though we've made a lot of progress already. It's just interesting to see how my love language has affected those disagreements. 

I really think it's important that we learn the love languages of those close to us, especially our spouses, and learn to show love that way. I also really think that showing love in all the languages is wonderful. Just because acts of service isn't my main love language doesn't mean I don't love it when Benjamin does the dishes after I've made dishes. I still understand that this is an act of love on his part and that he is doing it to help me. Just because gifts aren't my main language doesn't mean I don't love getting little gifts from him, especially ones where I can tell he put a lot of thought into it. 

The most important thing is to find ways to show others that we think and care about them. We can find out from them what makes them feel most loved and try to focus on their love language, but really, we just need to be thinking about it. 

I Have a House of Sick Family

I woke up extra early this morning (that's one of the strange side effects of my pregnancy this time around, I'll randomly wake up at 5:00 in the morning), so I was able to get more done than I normally do before Ashtyn woke up. The fact that she slept until 8 (she wakes up between 7:30 and 8, so that's on the later side) meant I got even more done.

Both Ben and Ashtyn have had a cold these past couple of days. Ben's has seemed worse than Ashtyn's, but I could tell her body was fighting it by how much she was sleeping. Yesterday she took an almost four hour nap (compared to a normal two hour nap) and then slept from 8:30 to 8 last night.

When I got her, we sat on the rocking chair to snuggle for a minute, one of the new things we do. Usually, she'll only stay this way for about two seconds before sitting up and jabbering away to me, telling all sorts of things that I have no idea what she's saying. Today, though, she stayed snuggling on my shoulder for quite a while. Then she sat up, hugged her doll to herself, and came back to snuggle on my shoulder some more. We probably stayed that way for almost twenty minutes, something that definitely is not usual for Ashtyn.

I finally got her to let me slowly change her diaper and get her dressed for the day, between more snuggles. Then she wanted to go find Daddy, so we went into Ben and my bedroom, where Ben was still asleep because he doesn't feel well either. I lay down on my pillows and Ashtyn lay herself right down on my shoulder. She would switch shoulders every once in a while, but we stayed that way, snuggled in bed together as a family, for probably another ten or twenty minutes.

Ashtyn would have probably stayed that way indefinitely, but I was hungry and knew Ashtyn needed food, so I talked her into coming downstairs with me while I made some eggs. When I first put her in her chair, she didn't want me to put her down, but food sure helped her feel better.

I always know when Ashtyn doesn't feel well, because she wants to snuggle. And, while I hate her being sick, I will selfishly relish all the snuggles I get.

Love Covereth All Sins

Happy Valentine's Day!

In celebration of Valentine's Day being on a Sunday this year, I thought I'd share a scripture on love that I found this morning.

Proverbs 10:12 -- Hatred stirreth up strifes: love covereth all sins.

This scripture has so many implications, from God's love and Christ's love covering our sins to how we should love others and forgive them. I wanted to share a few thoughts I had when pondering this scripture.

One thing I was thinking about was a story from The Five Love Languages book, the book I just finished reading.

The author told about a couple who'd been married for years, but their marriage was not a healthy one. Both felt their emotional love tanks were empty and the husband often lashed out at his wife, mistreating her with unkind words.

She wanted to go to marriage counseling, but the husband refused, saying she was at fault, so she could go if she wanted. Some of her close friends told her it was a toxic situation and that she should get out. She wanted to, because she was unhappy in the marriage, but when she prayed, she felt that leaving wasn't the answer. She went to counseling (to the author of the book) and together, they talked about what it meant to love your enemy. She sadly agreed that her husband had become an enemy to her and that instead of love, she felt hate towards him because of how he treated her.

Then they talked together about love as an action, rather than an emotion. They worked together to find her husband's love language and she told him she was working on becoming a better wife. Then she went to work showing him love, no matter how he reacted. Slowly, he began to soften towards her and she was able to help him learn her love language.

Now, because she was willing to show love towards someone who wasn't showing love, their marriage is stronger and healthier than it's ever been.

I really love this story. I know there truly are toxic situations that you just need to get out of (and have witnessed first hand some of these), but I know the Lord will direct us as we are trying our hardest to love in hard situations.

I also love this story because sometimes marriage can be like this. This is an extreme situation, but there will be times in every marriage where you feel things are unfair or have hard feelings for your spouse. Choosing to love in those moments, when you least want to love, can be so hard, but will strengthen your marriage and your love for your spouse more than anything else. And the Lord can help us do it.

I think this scripture also applies in other situations, especially with family. Ben and I have talked a lot about this lately and we both agree that it's so important in families, where emotions and opinions and misunderstandings get in the way and can hurt feelings, to love in a way that "covereth all sins." No one is perfect, but when their imperfections hurt us, it's hard to let that go and just continue loving them. I think that, just like in marriage, God can help us in those moments to love as He would.

And, of course, God's love "covereth all sins." I will be forever grateful that He loves us enough to forgive us for everything we do wrong, because it sure is a lot. And I'm sure it hurts Him when we do those things. But He's always there for us, no matter what, just waiting to love us.

Signing Time

I have had Ashtyn watch Signing Time almost everyday for a little bit since she was very young. I used to feel guilty and worry that I was doing something wrong, because a lot of people say you shouldn't give kids any screen time at all before three.

Then one day, Ashtyn started repeating words as she watched. Then she started copying signs. Then she started doing those signs, without any encouragement from me, later in the day. It was painfully obvious to me that she was getting a lot of out of Signing Time.

So now, we let her watch Signing Time in the morning and I have basically no guilt about it. Especially since she doesn't sit and watch it, she watches it while she runs around.

It's really cute.

My Exercise Schedule

I use the 21 Day Fix Extreme workouts and I really like them. They're only a half hour, they have a schedule (that I've altered), and I'm able to do them while pregnant (they're also really easy to modify to make safe/doable as I get further along in my pregnancy). 

Monday: Plyo Day. This is jumping day. It's a lot of different kinds of squats and lunges, jumping. Right now, I feel fine jumping, but I'm not very big yet. As I get bigger, I might get an exercise band for my stomach or modify it so I'm doing just the squats and lunges without the jumping. 

Tuesday: Upper Fix Day. This is mostly arms, with some ab and back workouts. The hardest part is the push ups. I do the back exercises, but I've already stopped doing ab ones. I've read that it's not actually good (or effective) when you're pregnant. 

Wednesday: Yoga Day. Ben does this one with me. We love yoga day. It's only half an hour, so it's not very hard, but it does push me in some parts and I love the stretching. 

Thursday: Leg Day. I think this is the hardest day. It's a lot of squats and lunges and jumping squats and lunges. It has four rounds and the third round is so hard for me, after doing the other two. If I can make it to round four, though, I'm good to go. 

Friday: Dirty Thirty. That's what it's called on the DVD. It's thirty minutes of exercises combining both upper and lower body, with ten second breaks. It focuses mostly on shoulders and a little on arms, while you do a variety of squats and lunges at the same time. It's hard, but I don't think it's the hardest day. Plus, when I finish, I know I get a break for the weekend! 

Saturday and Sunday: Rest. I love only exercising during the week, and taking a break on the weekends. That means I can snuggle in bed with Ben in the morning and give my body a chance to recuperate. I think it's especially important right now while I'm pregnant, because (while I'm not pushing myself too hard, I'm careful), I really feel the workouts. 

A Not-So-Fun Adventure

Yesterday I had a case of the try-to-do-more-than-one-person-who-is-also-taking-care-of-a-one-year-old-can-do. And then, we had a disaster.

I was mostly making food. I wanted to make chicken and rice soup for lunch and give some of it to a family in our apartment complex that just had a baby. I was trying out my new bread machine with a natural yeast loaf that had raised all night and I also wanted to make a normal loaf of bread (to give away with the soup). I also wanted to try out a natural yeast graham cracker recipe and put that all together to raise all day.

My natural yeast loaf was cooling, my starter was fed, I'd pulled the chicken legs out of the broth and added the rice, and my regular loaf was raising on the counter when I took Ashtyn and ran to Smith's for potatoes and garlic (for the soup) and some cookie ingredients for a ward party Ben and I were going to later.

The trip should have only taken me twenty minutes. We're close to Smith's, I only needed a couple things, I used self check out, I was in and out so fast.

I loaded Ashtyn and our two bags of groceries into the car, got in myself, and ... the car wouldn't start. It just turned over and over.

"No, no, no," I thought, thinking of all the food I had waiting for me in the kitchen. Sometimes our car turns over a couple times before starting, so I kept trying. I pulled out my phone and called Ben, but he didn't answer (he was in the middle of recording videos).

Ashtyn was starting to get restless and someone knocked on my window. I opened the door (our windows don't open) and she asked if I needed help. We talked about the problem for a minute and she had me try pumping the gas pedal before trying to turn it on again. It didn't work.

"I think you're out of gas," she said finally. "It's turning over, so it's not the battery."

"Okay," I said, getting out of the car and holding back tears. It didn't make sense to me that we would be out of gas. Our gas gauge doesn't work, but the light that tells you if the gas is low works and we usually go about 300 miles before needing gas. We were only at 230. "At least we're right by the gas station." I gestured to the Smith's gas station. The lady agreed, giving me a little more advice as she walked away and I unbuckled Ashtyn from her car seat.

When it was our turn at the window, I asked for a gas can. The attendant looked at me blankly. I tried again, explaining that my car was right over there and I just needed to put some gas in it.

"I know what you're talking about," she said finally. "But I don't have one."

"Oh," I said. "Okay." I didn't know what to do. I stood there for a moment, not sure what I was going to do. The lady just watched me.

"We could help you push it over," someone said from behind me. There were two guys waiting in line there. "But you'll have to steer. Which car is yours?"

I thanked them and walked over to my car with them. I buckled Ashtyn back in the car seat (surprisingly, she didn't cry, I think she knew something was up) and steered the car backwards as they pushed it to a gas pump. Then I got Ashtyn out again (luckily, the day was warm) and stood in line for gas again. I hadn't brought my debit card, just cash, so I only had six dollars to put into our poor little car, but if it wouldn't start because it was out of gas, that would've been enough.

I put in the gas, buckled Ashtyn in, and dubiously tried to start the car. It still wouldn't start.

Barely holding back tears this time, I called Ben again. He answered. We talked about the problem for a moment and he suggested trying to get a start from someone. In the meantime, he called his dad.

I thought we had the cables, but I couldn't find them (they were inside the toolbox we have in our trunk), so I asked the lady pumping gas in front of me if she had some. She didn't, but she worked in the pharmacy and said she would find someone at her work and send them to me. I was basically in tears, but felt relieved that she would help.

A couple minutes later, a guy pulled up with cables and we hooked them up. By this time, Ashtyn was done with this new experience and starting crying (probably because she was still in the car while I was out). We let it sit for a minute and tried to start it, but it didn't work. We waited longer, it still didn't work. He revved his engine a few times, it still didn't work.

About this time, Ben's dad got there to help. We gave up on trying to jump it and the they pushed us back into a parking spot. The guy left and Ben's dad started tinkering. I got Ashtyn out and we watched videos of her on my phone (she loves watching videos of herself). She also got to pretend she was driving the car, which she thought was great fun.

Ben's dad couldn't figure out why it wouldn't start, so we had Ben's mom pick us up. They let us borrow their car until we figured ours out and used Ben's grandparent's trailer to tow our car out of the parking lot.

My soup was toast. Ben had seen the rice cooking, thought it was just rice, and (because it was done cooking) drained the water out. I had him put my bread in, though, so that turned out alright. We had leftovers for lunch and I put Ashtyn down for her nap late, but what do you do?

All in all, we're really very blessed. We have the money to fix whatever is wrong with our car. We had lots of family nearby willing to help and plenty of strangers wanting to help as well. And, perhaps one of the biggest ones for me, through the entire experience, Ashtyn was really good. We definitely got the better end of a bad situation.

Ashtyn's Favorite Things

Ashtyn is learning so fast! I can't even keep up. She recognizes a lot now and will name them. These are a few of her favorite things to recognize:

Family. She loves seeing family and pictures of family. She knows all their names and says them over and over again.

Jesus. She has a few books that are about Jesus and she'll grab them, saying Jesus. She also loves seeing pictures of Jesus (and pictures of other people, like George Washington, who she thinks is Jesus). It's cute.

Snow. She loves snow. If she's within reach, she wants to touch (and eat) it. She knows the sign and always does it whenever she sees snow, either outside or in a picture.

Belle. For some reason, she loves the princess Belle. We let her watch different Disney songs from YouTube after her nap, while she eats her smoothie and wakes up a little, and every time one comes on from Beauty and the Beast, she points out Belle. If she sees a picture of Belle somewhere else, she gets really excited.

Body parts. Noses, mouths, tummies, belly buttons, arms, toes, and especially eyes. She loves eyes. She loves to find body parts on different people and toys.

Cars and trucks. She loves to see cars or trucks driving by (and she knows the difference between the two). She always makes the vroom vroom noise after identifying it as well.

Boots. Boots are probably one of her favorite things in the entire world. I bribe her over to me to get her dressed by telling her I'll put her boots on. She knows the sign and if she sees her boots, she begs me to put them on her. It's really cute to watch her try to walk in them, too, because they have a little bit of a heel. She loves to find other people's boots. She likes shoes too, but a lot of times, she calls them boots.

Socks. She also loves socks, though sadly, she's beginning to grow out of this one. It's cute though.

Animals. She loves all animals and knows so many. When she sees them, she'll either say their name or make the noise they make. My favorite is when she says "potamus" (hippopotamus).

Balls. She loves balls. She knows the sign and usually, she'll say red ball (because red is her favorite color and she has a red ball).

Those are just a few, but I could probably go on all day talking about all the things Ashtyn talks about (just like she does!). And I know as she gets older, this will only get truer and truer.

A Short Husband Tribute

I've been reading the Five Love Languages book and it's gotten me thinking a lot about the relationship that Ben and I have together. Obviously we have things we can do better, every relationship does, but I think we have a strong marriage and that it is so strong in great part to Benjamin.

Ben has way too many wonderful characteristics to name them all here, but I wanted to share just a few things he does that strengthen our marriage.

*He still goes out of his way to tell me how much he loves me and how beautiful he thinks I am. I know this is something he will always do for me.

*He gives me thoughtful gifts. Receiving gifts is not my primary love language, but everybody feels loved when they know their spouse has been thinking of them. I think of some of the gifts he's given me since we met--his favorite book, paintings, drawings, coupons for date nights, a Celtic necklace--and my heart swells with love for him. I know those were all gifts given from his heart and while thinking of what I would really like.

*He does the dishes. There aren't many chores that I don't enjoy and I usually do most of the housekeeping. Ben helps the most by helping with Ashtyn while I'm doing a chore (for example, while I vacuum the stairs, he'll watch Ashtyn for me). He also helps if I ask him to do something. But dishes are something he just does, and some nights it's really nice to come down from putting Ashtyn to bed (or back when I was going to school, getting home from school or dance) and having the kitchen clean. I know he does this even when he's really tired and I always appreciate his help. He also takes out the trash way more than I do, which is nice, especially right now when it's freezing outside.

*He takes me out. We're both more homebodies than party animals, but I like to go out more than he does. I especially like to eat out a couple times a month. If it were up to Ben, we'd probably eat out maybe once or twice a year. But, he learned early on in our marriage that it was something I really enjoyed and so we do go out more often.

*He puts his arm around me in church. I know this is a silly one, but it is one that really helps me feel his love. When we were dating, he would do this every week during sacrament, maybe that's why. Now that we have Ashtyn between us in sacrament, he does it during Sunday school. I always notice and love when he does it.

*He likes my cooking, sometimes more than his mom's even, and even when he doesn't, he eats it. I think this is so important. It makes me feel like my efforts are appreciated and needed, which helps me love doing what I do.

*He tells me about his interests and ideas, even when I'm not interested in them. I love that I am part of his life, even if it means I hear about Pokemon and physics problems. It makes me feel like I am an important part of his life and that he cares enough about me to help me understand those parts of his life.

Benjamin does so much for our family and our marriage. He is, of course, not a perfect husband, just as I am not a perfect wife. I'm still learning to forgive or let go of the small things and to show the appreciation I should for what he does. I am so grateful for Ben's patience with me as I work on those, and many other, things. I am so grateful for his sacrifices (both big and small), the thoughtful acts of service, and the kind words he shares with me.

I love him so much and am eternally grateful that we are on this road of improvement and progression together. I wouldn't want to be with anyone else.