My Love of Motherhood

I read a post the other day that made me so sad. It was about mothers who regret having children after having them. It broke my heart, for both the mothers and the children in the article. Someone commented on it, though, about each of us having different gifts and the love of motherhood was a gift she'd been given.

That really spoke to me, because I have the same gift. I love being a mother. I have always wanted to be a mom and even when it's hard, I don't regret having kids or having kids so early in our marriage. I have hard days and there are days (particularly when I don't get enough sleep because of children) where I tell Ben half seriously that we aren't having any more kids. But those times pass and I love the rest of it.

I love coloring with Ashtyn and having her grab my hand to bring me from the couch to play with her.

I love the way Parker's face lights up when she sees me, with a grin so big you wouldn't think it actually fits on her face.

I love hearing Ashtyn negotiate how many toys she can bring in the car and listen to her sing "Mr. Sun, Sun, Mr. Golden Sun, won't you shine down on me!" at the top of her lungs.

I love watching Parker try so hard to crawl and how much she loves being on the ground able to try to crawl now.

I love hearing everything that Ashtyn says (sometimes it is SO funny) and how much she loves Parker.

I love this time of year with kids. Ashtyn is only two and she already loves everything about Christmas. That makes me so happy. Making them happy is so easy, but it brings so much joy.

I really love everything. I love the big things, like watching them open birthday presents and get excited about every single one, and I love the quiet moments of snuggles that come throughout the day. I honestly wouldn't want to be doing anything else with my life.

I don't know the solution for the moms who regret it. Maybe they need to find a better balance in their life, maybe they need to learn contentment, maybe they really should never have had kids to begin with. I don't know. I just know that I would never trade being a mother for anything in the world--a career, more travel, more freedom. None of it would be worth missing out on what I have right now.

There are sacrifices that come with having children. Some are short term, while they are so little and need you for everything and some never go away. I've felt that and there have been times when I have wished to be free of the responsibility so Ben and I could spontaneously go to a movie or take a cruise whenever we wanted. I also know, though, that it's worth. I understand, down to my very core, that what I'm doing is the most important work out there. And I really, really love doing it.

And for that, I will be eternally grateful.

Ashtyn turned 2!

This post is a little late, but I love my cute little girl and love that I get to watch as she grows!

Second birthday: October 17, 2016

Favorite food: Definitely cheese, but she also loves most fruits and loves yogurt and all things sweet

Favorite toys: Play dough, hands down. Plus anything that she can load/unload or "cook" in my pans.

Favorite things to say: "Need a nuggle (snuggle)!"
                                     "Need Momma!"
                                    "This is my big Momma ("little Momma" is Elizabeth)"
                                     "Don't burn yourself!"
                                     "No sleeping, baby Parker!"

Favorite things to do: Go to Grandma's house (all of them, it doesn't matter which grandma), go to church, go shopping, "cook" her toys, go "shopping" in our living room, and play with play dough.

Favorite People: "Goo goo goom" (Scooby Doo, I have no idea where she got that pronunciation), Barney, "Beth!" (Elizabeth), and Parker (plus all her family, she really loves everyone).

Knows: All her letters (uppercase, lowercase, and most of them in sign language), how to spell her name, how to count to fourteen, how to write t's, j's, and i's, her colors and shapes, and most recently, how to hold a pencil the correct way.

Favorite books: Cat the Cat (all of them), Three Billy Goats Gruff, and The Little Blue Truck 

Favorite shows: Signing Time, Sesame Street, Barney, and a YouTube playlist of nursery rhymes beginning with Johnny Johnny Yes Papa. 

New Babies, New Routines

Our routine has changed a lot since Parker was born and has started getting older and actually starting to follow some sort of schedule. I feel like we're starting to settle into a good one.

Ben and I try to wake up at six. It really helps some mornings that we're both getting up, but it can also be bad if we both want to stay in bed. Then we play the "if they get up, I will" game and when neither of us makes the first move, we end up sleeping in. Some mornings are more rough than others, depending how well Parker did (she still isn't sleeping through the night and still has pretty rough nights sometimes).

It's really good for Ben to wake up and work, though, because then he can finish earlier and still get his hours in. I wake up and write, since I'm trying to get a business going that can start bringing income in. It will help us with our house goals, give me something to do that I love, and bring even more stability to our income.

I usually write for about an hour. I have word count goals and chapter goals and things, but it usually takes me about an hour. If Parker actually sleeps until 7:30 (which only occasionally happens, but we're trying to get her to), then I can shower, unload the dishwasher, do stuff with my natural yeast, clean up the house, or keep writing.

At 7:30, I feed Parker while doing a Portuguese and an Esperanto lesson on Duolingo. When she's finished, I write in my journal, get dressed, and make the bed. Then we go get Ashtyn up and get both of them dressed with diaper changes.

Then we head downstairs and make and eat breakfast. By now, Parker starts getting grumpy, so we spend the rest of time until her nap entertaining her. She goes down between 2 1/2 and 3 hours after she woke up.

When she goes down, Ashtyn and I clean up breakfast and do our little devotional. Then we hang out. We have lots of favorites: outside time, running errands, play dough, drawing, reading, etc.

Parker is supposed to wake up around lunchtime (she still often wakes up after only 45 minutes). We get lunch and listen to the Dave Ramsey Show. Ben watches Parker and eats while I put Ashtyn down for her nap. Parker and I hang out until her nap and then they both sleep, for at least a short time, at the same time. Then I can clean, work on Christmas presents, write more, or relax. If schedules work out, I can do some of all!

When they wake up, we hang out and make dinner. When Ben finishes work, we eat. Then we sometimes visit family, take baths, do FHE, go to the library, or watch Avatar or Scooby Doo.

7:45, I feed Parker while we read scriptures and do family prayers. Then we do diapers and pajamas, brush teeth, and do bedtime. Ben takes one girl and I take the other. They both go down really well most of the time.

Then Ben and I do the dishes and get to hang out together until bed. We try to go to sleep around ten.

I love our schedule and our life. We are so blessed.

Doggies in Heaven

Last night was a crazy night. Ben's cousins are in town and we had some miscommunication that resulted in me taking the kids home alone and getting them to bed late. I was feeling frustrated and the kids were both tired. By the time I was reading and singing to Ashtyn, my patience was worn and Ashtyn's behavior was showing that she felt it.

We read and were singing. I started singing "Mother, Tell Me a Story." She knows most of the lyrics and started singing along with me, but she was sort of crying while singing. I knew I didn't want to leave her like that, so I stopped singing and, inspired by the song I was singing to her, had her sit up and look at me.

"Ashtyn," I said, "did you know that you used to live in Heaven with Heavenly Father?"

She looked at me and her eyes grew wide. "Uh huh."

"And then he sent you to Mommy and Daddy. We're so lucky, aren't we?"

"Uh huh."

I talked with her some more about heaven and then I said, "And someday we will all get to go back to heaven and live with Heavenly Father again. You and me and Daddy and Parker!"

Her eyes got wide again and she went, "ah!"in an excited way. Then she said, "And the doggy will come!"

I laughed. "Do you think doggies will be there too?"

"Uh huh," she said, still excited. "The doggy will come!"

We sang a couple more songs, both much more relaxed and we were both happy when I put her in her crib. Stopping to talk like that was the best thing for both of us.

I am so grateful for the small moments like these that I have every day with both Ashtyn and Parker. I so blessed.

Mom and Dad, A Team

To put our kids down to bed, I put Ashtyn down at her nap time and Ben puts her down at night while I put Parker down. We started this when I was still feeding Parker to sleep. Now I feed her earlier and do a little routine with her (same as with Ashtyn). 

Last night, I finished with Parker just as Ashtyn was down getting her teeth brushed. I knew Ben was tired, so I offered to do Ashtyn's routine as well. He asked her who she wanted and she laughed, then said "momma" (no surprise there). 

I picked her up and snuggled her on the rocking chair and Ben came over for a little kiss. When he asked for the kiss, though, Ashtyn realized he was leaving and puckered right up. We asked if she wanted us both to stay and she instantly agreed. Ben sat on the floor in front of the chair while I read her books. 

Ashtyn thought this was the funniest thing. She kept looking at him and laughing her head off. This continued as we sang her a few songs. Then I wrapped her up in her blanket and picked her up to give her a kiss. Ben came around the other side and hugged from that way. 

Standing there, loving on our daughter, seeing her face as she looked up at her two parents, the importance of marriage and two parents (a mother AND a father) and family really hit home for me. The Proclamation to the Family has it so right and I've never felt that stronger than now that I'm a parent. 

Kody

I am feeling really sad today.

A few years ago, I was able to go on my stake's trek as an aunt. I was originally supposed to go as a ma, but circumstances changed and they needed me to fill a different role. I was really disappointed by this and hadn't really wanted to actually go any longer. On the bus out, I sat next to one of the kids in my family, Kody. He was seventeen and one of those kids that hadn't wanted to come to trek but was there anyways (because of parents or leaders or whatever). We started talking and during the rest of the trek, I tried to watch out for him. We really seemed to connect.

At the end of trek, he wrote me a note, telling me that he was really glad I'd gone on the trek. He told me he probably would have been a trouble maker and not gotten much out of trek if I hadn't gone. As it was, I'd helped him have a really good experience there. I was so happy.

I sort of tried to stay in touch with him after, but it didn't last long. I only had Facebook as a way of contacting him and most of the time when I'd message him, he wouldn't answer. I did see him a few times and I let him know that I was thinking of him.

Then about a month ago, he messaged me. He was wanting to talk, about the church and different things. He shared some of the hard things he had going on with his life and we would talk on Facebook sometimes. It wasn't very long ago that we talked.

Then today, as I was scrolling through Facebook, I saw that he died. I don't know details, but I have guesses from what I've seen on Facebook. The situation is really sad to me, because when we would talk, it seemed like he was trying really hard to get back on the right track again. I was actually thinking about things from General Conference to talk with him about earlier today. Now, I can't.

It's just so sad. He was so young. I wish I could have done more for him.

I honestly didn't know him for very long or very well. I felt like I knew him well, though; we just sort of clicked in an immediate way. I want to remember him, though. I want to remember how much it meant for us to go through our trek experience together. I want to remember that when he was trying to get his life on a better path, I was one of the people he reached out to. And I want to remember him and do more to reach out to those around me.

Because you never know when one of them will be a Kody, needing your help and your love.

Two Under Two is Hard

Yesterday we went back to church for the first time (okay, technically we did that last week, but we went to my mom's ward and when your mom is there to help, everything seems easier). It made me acutely aware that we have two children under two.

Luckily Parker will sleep in her car seat.
And luckily Ashtyn goes to nursery no problem now.
And luckily I had Ben there to help when needed.

But it was ... exhausting.

The rest of the day, Parker struggled with naps and Ashtyn's nap wasn't a spectacularly long one. Ashtyn was abounding with energy, Parker was fussy, and I was worn out. With traveling for a week, a family reunion, and not much sleep, I felt ready for a day off.

Getting Ashtyn ready for bed, I lost my patience. I snapped at her, which she brushed off with a laugh, and passed her off to her dad with some hard feelings. I fed and put Parker down, feeling guilty about Ashtyn. My patience has been too short with her of late.

I put Parker down, cleaned up the house a little, and had just finished making myself some food when Parker started crying. I was so tired and hungry, I just turned the baby monitor off. I planned to check on her, and calm her down, if she was still crying when I finished my food. With the monitor off, though, I couldn't hear her and forgot.

Ben said something about her going back to sleep, that letting her cry a bit had been good. That's when I remembered the monitor was off and found her still crying. She had spit up, soaking her clothes, and worked her way out of her swaddle. Feeling like a terrible parent, I changed her clothes, wrapped her up, calmed her down, and put her back. She went right to sleep, which made me feel even worse, because she probably would have done that earlier if I'd just checked on her.

I went downstairs and Ben gave me a long hug, letting me talk about how hard my day had been. We were able to go up to bed together and whisper until we fell asleep and I felt like a weight was taken off my shoulders. I feel so grateful to have a husband I can count on to help with the kids, support me emotionally, and be my best friend, even on the hardest days. I also feel especially grateful to my own mother, who went through the downs of parenthood without that sort of help there. I don't know how she did it, but I will be eternally grateful to her for pushing through.

Two under two is intense, crazy, busy, fun, exciting, and hard. You have days and nights full of tears (from both the kids and the parents), a house full of diapers and laundry and laughter, and a heart overflowing with love. I will always be grateful for my two under two (though if you ask me that at one this morning when I'm awake with the baby again--or still--I don't know what my answer will be! Just kidding!).