A Torn Baby Hungry

I feel like I'm constantly in a torn emotional state.

One part of me looks at my two babies and wishes they would stay this age forever. I never want to lose the snuggles, the laughs, the exciting learning and growing that they bring into my life. I love them in a way I didn't know was possible, And they adore me. They need me. They come to me with bruises and bumps, hungry tummies, and all sorts of disappointments. They fit on my lap, snuggle on my shoulder, and even occasionally still fall asleep on me.

And yet, it's so hard. I'm so tired most of the time. My kids sleep well, but there's still sick nights, early mornings, middle of the night accidents, traveling (when kids never sleep as well), teething, and bad nights in general. There's also the fact that in order to get everything done that I want to and time with my husband, I stay up later than I probably should and wake up very early. It's hard to do much, like date nights and going anywhere, because we either have to haul the kids with us or find a sitter. It's especially hard because Parker won't take a bottle and she still nurses every three hours during the day. Ben and I have time to hang out together after we put the kids down, but we're also so exhausted by then that it's hard to get up the motivation to do anything. And this doesn't even touch on how it can just be hard to take care of the kids: physically tiring to take care of hygiene and nutritional needs, emotionally trying between the fits and crying and demands and constant talking, and all the little things that come with kids (like, ten dirty diapers in an afternoon).

Then I think about having another one. I emotionally want one. We're taking a break right now (trust me, we need it), but there's still that part of me that yearns for another one now. Even with the fatigue of pregnancy, the pain of labor, the horrible recovery afterwards where it takes months to feel normal again, the sleep deprivation of a newborn, and all that comes with it, I still want another one.

And that's why I'm torn. I want to always have littles and I already know that I'm going to miss this stage desperately when it's passed. And yet, there are moments when I'm so excited for it to pass. I look forward to the family activities we can do with older children that we can't with younger ones. I can't wait until long car rides get a little easier. I love the idea of more sleep and less diaper changes. But then my heart whispers to me to enjoy this stage, to hug my babies a little closer.

So for now, I will enjoy the magic of make believe friends, the snuggles when they fall, and the happiness of watching them grow. I know the future will bring it's own struggles and it's own joys, and when those stages come, I'll try to simply enjoy them too.